SERENITY is my RYL mum.
SOLO is my RYL auntie.
SEFKA is my RYL daughter.
DAYS GONE BYE is my RYL sister.
JEFFERSON.MERIWETHER is my RYL son.
OLINESS is my RYL son.
Can you maybe arrange to have a couple days off for a break?
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
I'm in the office now until Wednesday midday when I finish - and am off work Thursday and Friday, and then after Saturday until Tuesday, when I'm in the office again. So it's not as bad as it could be - except it feels inside.
This may sound a bit controversial, and please don't think I am saying that you are crap in any way, but what if you were under a LOT of stress and are not well right now, and it might sometimes be having an impact on the way you work. That's understandable; everyone has bad days, weeks etc, without going through what you're going through. I once said to my OT "I'm such an idiot". And she said something along the lines of "Well, sometimes you do silly things, but that's not a definition of you". What if, sometimes you made mistakes at work, but that did not mean you were crap at your job?
Thank you both.
I can't really write/think anything sensible tonight. I'll try again tomorrow.
My flatmate's been crying. I feel so useless. But then I've cried oodles of times and they've never come to help or whatever, so it shouldn't be a big deal - they leave me to process my stuff after all. Just I wish I could do something. I can't even sound sympathetic right now. And that aches.
How about if you offered to make your flatmate a cup of tea? I know those sorts of acts of kindness can mean more to me than a conversation sometimes. It's understandable if you don't want to though, please don't criticise yourself for it, if you can help it. Sending lots of good thoughts your way.
Thanks Laura.
I need to get to bed now, so the chance has kind of gone. I feel so lost. It's at times like these that I realise how much my social people skills kind of fail.
It's weird with my flatmate, as we're close, but not close if that makes sense. And both of us are stressed right now and have our barriers up.
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
Work was really hard today. Even though I was in the office. I feel so tired and physically fragile. The quiet did help to improve my emotional state, however.
I still feel that I am incapable. There's no real evidence of my skill at ... anything. I guess you could say I feel/am de-skilled.
I know that I am angry, and that part of that is frustration at the whole work situation which is pretty dire, and another part is frustration with my own body [and mind, but body is making itself particularly noticeable right now] and how I cannot control the level of pain it is in. Feeling depressed is one thing, feeling anxious is one thing, but being in near on constant physical pain is not something I know how to deal with. With period pain, you know it has an end point. I know I've 'only' had these physical pains a week, but that feels a long time, and they are impacting on my life quite a lot.
I want to feel well again. I want to feel that my work is valued and needed. That I am even a little bit valuable and worthy of work.
On top, I have to deal with one colleague undermining me, another saying "All the women around here are nutters, crazy." [did apologise when I reminded that this was uncomfortable for me.]
I'm feeling the same way sometimes.
Especially when people were criticizing me or I got compared to others/compare myself with others.
I always get my confidence back when I do things that I'm naturally good at. For me it is working with my horse. You are good at writing, so maybe that could help?
About the job... keep applying if you are looking for a better job. I dont remember for how many jobs I applied till I got the one I've got now.
Undermining others is mean, but sadly not uncommon.
*leaves hugs in case you need/want any*
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
Sadly I undermine too - myself and others. Just becoming more fully aware of it now, and it's really crappy.
Plus the working relationship dynamics at work are horrible right now. [..]
I feel so ****. I'm trying. I'm working as hard as I can. I KNOW it's time for me to have a rest. Only 3 hours tomorrow morning to go, then I have 2 days off. Then just working on Saturday, then another 2 days off. I can hold out. Just.
It'll help when my flatmates are away for a few days over the weekend. The stress molecules in the air at home right now when everyone's in are really nasty. It has to be felt to be believed. And I know I contribute to it, and that feels horrible.
I can't really apply for any more jobs until the redundancy situation is finalised. Which will hopefully be in a couple of week or so's time.
Thing is right now I even doubt my ability to write. *sigh* It'll come, when there's safe space in my mind.
Is anyone out there and listening? I don't know what to do.
Um, I don't think I'm ok.
Something not right is going on in my mind.
I really wasn't 'myself' at work this week.
And I'm not sleeping right.
And I'm waking up early.
And I'm still getting intermittent aches and pains.
Superficially, I am coping, and also doing a heck of a lot of 'internal work'.
But, "let's face it" - not that I am useless, but in fact, I am indeed only just about holding it together emotionally right now. It's like, I'm holding it together so much I'm not holding it together, or barely?
I have no outlet for my feelings aside from typing on-line right now.
Plus, I'm battling with an insistence in me that I don't need people. That there's no point in forming relationships with people. Nothing ever lasts. No one REALLY cares about me. Like I've cut myself off, distanced myself. And feel relief at doing so. I know that that can be dangerous. But the idea that I might need others... hurts too much.
It might be a 'stress-redundancy delusion' but it genuinely also feels that my colleagues all think I'm crazy and useless, and the managers ditto, and everyone can't wait to get rid of me.
*hug*
I'm out here and listening (albeit a bit late.)
How are you doing today?
I completely get the redundancy stress - my brother was laid off last month and my Mum's probably going the same way after Easter. And from what they've told me, it's terrible, with all the uncertainty and resentment. I guess it makes it worse if you can't see yourself as being equal to your colleagues. It would be stressful for anyone and I don't think it's surprising that you're showing the strain, especially given your situation at home.
I don't really know what to say. I hope the internal work starts to pay off soon.
Make the most of the days your flatmates are away and keep posting on here if it's a way to let everything out.
Take care
xx
Каждому, каждому в лучшее верится,
Катится, катится голубой вагон!
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