I cant think of anything much right now but for the sake of trying to keep going..
I some how [feel sick admitting it?!] did the shopping online. Everything is a bit chaotic here, my partner is just home from hospital. I haven't slept in 23 hours and can't imagine I will for another 20 more.
On leaving Monday night alone I kept hearing voices telling me to ask the taxi driver to divert to the bridge. I feel ashamed it was too close to becoming real.
Have been crying my eyes out from grief that has felt renewed. I saw her face so real, it was like I wanted to reach out and touch her skin. But I knew she wasn't there...
It'd be helpful to have some encouragement. I know I'm an arsehole but people rely on me and I have to keep functioning for them.
Hunni, I know you know this already, but I'm here for you whenever. Even at 4am again :) I hope you managed to fall asleep, because you needed it. I'm thinking of you. Let me know if you're going to be able to get out tonight, but if not don't worry, I'll understand. Take care of yourself. Keep fighting. ANd remember I care for you so so much sweetheart. xxx
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
You're not an arsehole, you are an extremely supportive, caring, lovely person and it sounds like you need to take some time out and focus on yourself (although obviously I know how difficult it is with your partner being unwell too).
I'm sorry I'm low on words right now love, but if you ever need to get things off your chest just FB/MSN/text me <3
Agreed with Zar, you are NOT an arsehole.
You are such a wonderful, caring, loving, selfless, not to mention beautiful girl who has been there for me so much, even if we don't always see eye to eye, I don't think you're any of the negative things you see yourself as, and I really am glad we're friends again, so please don't ever hesitate to text/call me okay?
I'm very glad you didn't listen to that voice, we'd all be devistated if we lost you, please keep trying to hold on...
Don't feel ashamed for it though, don't be ashamed of feeling so awful, you wouldn't tell someone else to be ashamed, so please try not to feel bad for it, just try to focus on getting through the day, and staying strong for your partner because she loves you so much, for all your friends because we care about you an awful lot, and your little kitty too :)
Is there anything happening on getting help?
I do think someone needs to know how awful things are... what about in the assessment you said you'd be having soon? Could you ask for any help with this then?
You do need to get some sleep though, sleep deprivation will make things so much worse, does anything help you settle down at all?
I really don't have many words, but I wanted to say that I agree with Sarah&Zara, you're not an arsehole (I feel so silly saying that ;).
You're a lovely, beautiful person and you don't deserve the things you go through. Is there anybody you could talk to? Or maybe try to write on LJ? Something to try and distract yourself?
I love you lots, I'm always around if you need me.
xx
im so sorry i have only just seen this. You are NOT an arsehole, you have alot to cope with. Please keep asking for help. Please mention this? You are a lovely, kind, generous person and you deserve support just as much as anyone else.
Im always here,
anytime.
Lots of love xxx
Through the dark, a strand of light, the light continued to get bright, with it came the strength to fight (Gem)
Oh hunni *gentle hugs* im sorry to hear things are difficult for you.
You must be really tired, and exhausted. Extreme tiredness can cause hearing voices, etc. and you sound like you're under a lot of stress too. But if you can see your GP, or someone, because it sounds like you're needing support right now.
You are definitely NOT an arsehole, you are amazing, loving, kind, caring, considerate, a fab friend and lots more! Im thinking of you lots xxxxxxx
How are you doing now?
Things right now are rather tense. I thought Id gained weight. And to be honest I must have. But now its back down again and I feel like shit cos I feel fatter. I kept getting dizzy today and I must be dehydrated I think. It scares me though, because if I am dehydrated it means my weight is a false 'low'.
I feel sick. I haven't purged today, but I haven't eaten much. I restricted yesterday but purged anyway. I feel like I cant tolerate anything more than low calorie foods. I am mentally relying on soup with the idea its low cal and will come up easy if I decide I cant keep it in.
I don't have any appointments with services until a CMHT assessment on the 27th. I couldn't see my counsellor yesterday because I felt too shit and thought talking about it would certainly make it even more raw. I am trying to bury my head in the sand temporarily because if I don't I'll explode. My GP surgery knows I am a carer and have multiple issues going on.
Im worried about my dad too. He had to cancel his colonoscopy that was booked for today cos he couldn't drink the cleansing prep solution without being sick and he had a migraine too [probably cos of the lack of food the day before that they ask you to consume]. He needs an operation soon too, and his physical state is deteriorating, you can see his statue changing and he struggles to walk. He's not even 60 yet and it makes me realise his health is actually very poor for someone of his age. It scares me SO much.
I feel like I am loosing everyone around me or watching them suffer needlessly. I feel so powerless over life. I need something to hold on to, something that wont move. I cannot handle changes like these.
A persons awareness is not the same as their thoughts and feelings. People do not really speak their thoughts as much as hear them. If a person gets too stressed and/or emotional their awareness/mind can sink into their own mental and emotional machinery.
Instead of thoughts and feelings being an extension of a person, people can become extensions of their thoughts and feelings. Of course this is a debilitating state of affairs. What makes things worse is that the more people struggle the worse they get stuck.
In the scheme of things, its the emotions that begin to alter the thoughts - (and then the thoughts the emotions). If people want to stop SI, the best thing to do is not to struggle with the SI but to get to the emotional root and get rid of the emotions that feed the problem. Then the coping things drop away on their own.
Once you understand the nature of the problems you can find your calm and unmovable center and get your mind back from being submerged in thinking and feeling too much. Then the voices and faces will go away.
Read the Home Page link in my profile if any of that makes sense to you. If it does I could right more. If I do it now I'll just be a thread killer lol.
I am trying to digest everything right now. I think I understand what you're talking about, I am working on the root causes of my 'attitude' to life now. It is not quite as easy to change and cope at the same time. I feel an unbearable void to go without a self destructive behaviour right now. I am trying to look after myself [I have a tooth infection and I am sweating profusely]. I tried relaxation, and as crazy as it will sound, carrying a candle with me [it smells 'safe'] and it helped me concentrate on something simple for a while.
I feel so paranoid and exposed to be honest. I feel like going into hiding.
I am trying to digest everything right now. I think I understand what you're talking about, I am working on the root causes of my 'attitude' to life now.
That's a good perspective that can lead to good places least expected.
I once woke up losing sight and hearing. Over the course of a week I had a harder time seeing and hearing. I went to a doctor but he didn't know what was wrong.
Doing my own research I ran across something that clued me in as soon as I saw it. I went to three doctors and told them what I had and they all told me it was "in my head".
When I went to the fourth doctor he knew I had what I said I had and I was soon on antibiotics and getting better. In another couple of weeks I would have had permanent sight and hearing loss.
What got me through the experience was something I had learned before - namely to keep a light hearted attitude toward all problems. I could have been upset and bitter (and scared) but I keep things fairly even. I had a lot of serendipity because of it.
When I was waiting to see went to one doctor I saw a magazine in his office. One article was about listening to intuition and not doubting. Because of this I refused to let the doctor tell me I didn't have have what I knew I did.
A few days latter I was shopping and a clerk I chatted with gave me the name of the doctor that saved me. All kinds of things happened to get me going in the right direction. I say that was because I kept a good attitude and dint despair or freak out. A change in attitude is a change in altitude as they say. Big problems look small when you keep perspective. Miracles happen.
I have in me dreams and aspirations and sometimes overflowing hope for so much better than this. I know of time when I was looking at studying medicine and leaving home to embark on a working career as soon as I hit university age. I am becomming happier it didnt occur. Because its not impossible for the future and with age and life experiance I am sure Id have a better chance. I do what I love now. Care for someone who means the world to me. A carer in the capacity that is required of me builds so much skill. I know I have room for more. I did a first aid course based on life support incase such events happen whereby I need to stand in a be a link in getting my partner to a hospital with all the right knowlege and equipment.
I am still trying to do the last 2 assignments of my first year of my foundation degree that will give me a foot on the ladder of higher education and a base start to doing some open university work in the near future/next 6-12 months I plan to start. I want to build a degree and become educated well whilst being a full time carer for my partner. I sometimes think, why the hell not, then I start feeling overwhelmed of all the hick ups that has lead me to take 3 years of my life to attain this equivilant one year of work! It sounds pathetic to some. But I couldnt even tolerate a schooling environment after all that happened.
Maybe I am fruitlessly trying too be positive, but everything positive comes from an idea? Right? Then a desire to action it..? I want change. I think the high level of unpredictability in my life due to illness of all forms, degenerative, stress related, mental healthy related etc. is a big issue that combined makes me feel like is on hold. I know, it is a fact, that a person has only so much energy and to know where and how best to execute that effort and concern is my biggest challenge. The morals of my decisions weigh over me a lot.
I go though productive days and totally unproductive days, and there is a bit issue with swinging from one way of thinking to the opposite entirely. I am trying to work out where the unproductive comes from and why I can sometimes but not often enough get into that mode. How it is born and how I keep keep it alive as long as possible. Bluntly 3 really good days would finish my assignments... and how frustrating to know it could be so simple, but right now it is not. :/ I do not believe in straight out miracles, but it would be nice to think that anything cool could come your way tomorrow.
A very wise lady I knew said to me that she thought the biggest asset I had that protected me from dying at times was my shear curiosity for this world, my craving for answers and understanding.
I am well and truely rambling, with a fair dose of Zopiclone within me, but it helps me open out.
This could be the rudest and personal question to ask.. but I note on your profile your not a self harmer. Does that mean you recovered? Or never struggled in a self destructive way in your opinion [not mine]. How do you see your role on this site and what draws you to help people [in your own way] when the first time we met on N&D it seemed to cause a clash?
I'm sorry sweetie that I have no words right now. But I'm glad the zopiclone is helping you to open up. Take care of yourself and remember you're amazing. xx
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
Things are not too bad I guess. Life in general feels very uncertain and overly ambiguous. I am not really coping with the lack of security I feel [for many reasons]. My eating is a bit chaotic too though I am not visually underweight and it hurt in a strange way. I miss looking underweight.
I am supposed to be going to a BBQ tomorrow. I am obviously dreading it. It'll be full of food and socialising when really I want to curl up and hide and certainly not eat in front of others. My head keeps making plans of how I can purge. But it would mean leaving her house and walking to the park or something [very unsociable].
I am panicking now about dinner. I know what we are having but its more calories to my daily total, thus being more stress to bear. :/
