Graphic - I think I've made my mind up *triggering suicide*

ella1 · 14-04-2011, 02:10 AM

I think I've reached the point now where I've come as far as I can. I've been called selfish in the past for making attempts on my life and sometimes I've thought they may have had a point but to hell with it, they are the selfish ones for expecting me to stay here in misery. I'm passed caring now. I've done college, university and tried for jobs for the last 3 years and haven't so much as had an interview. All this because I've felt like maybe there could be a point to my existence but it's just too hard to keep fighting anymore. My psych thinks I'm not trying, I can tell. He brings everything back to my eating issues when yes I know it's all consuming but really what I want to say is that I'm simply going through the motions and truthfully, honestly and sincerely I don't want to be here. I've cried too many tears over feeling stuck here and like I can't use my coping methods for fear of being sectioned (which I know would be the next step) or upsetting my family. I'm no crying anymore, I'm calm, at ease even just simply for knowing for sure that I wasn't made for living, hell I don't know why I was made. This site has helped me, I definetely wouldn't have lasted this long without finding it. Not sure if I'm grateful for that as it could all have been over by now. God I don't know what I'm saying, just needed an outlet during this insomnia period. I hope everyone is doing well anyways. Rationally I suppose I wouldn't be writing this if I'd truly made my mind up right? Eurgh how attention seeking. I really have become something truly disgusting. Sorry for wasting anyones time.

PassedExpectations · 14-04-2011, 02:39 AM

you're not wasting people's time, and its ok to seek attention when you're feeling like this. its important to let other people in. things like this are too big to handle alone.

maybe instead of a proper job you could try volunteering. it would give you a purpose and something to do, but probably wouldn't require the application and interveiw. and you might meet someone that leads to a job, and it could look good on an application.

ella1 · 14-04-2011, 02:49 AM

Those were my thoughts exactly but I've tried a few times and haven't had a response. Maybe they realise I'm pretty useless. The job I have is demoralising shift work and slowly kills me a little more inside each shift I do. I feel like giving up completely not just my job ( if I gave that up I'd lose my independence). Nothings changed since I sought help years ago now. Everything seems to hard and I'm weaker from trying now. Do t think I've much left to fight with. Typing is becoming too much. Is it completely selfish of me to just want to sleep and never wake up? Never do anything again and just stay in bed? God nothings changed at all! Any progress they think I've made is a lie. I think I've even lied to myself, to the point where i must have believed it would get better at some point. Thanks for replying, I can't see a point for you to keep Reading so I'm stopping this inane rambling.

talaiporia · 15-04-2011, 02:27 AM

Hey. I hope you're safe-ish. If you're not, please go to A&E or let someone know what's going on. Be careful.

Do you think you could change jobs?
You can do this. You can get through this. Do you think that having a little time off work would help? Would your doctor sign you off on sick leave?