I'm in a crisis state. Already fragile, things came to light yesterday that have made me feel even more unsettled and insecure. The last straw, as it were.
I feel desperate. I feel suicidal. I feel like giving up. I've been trying so hard but even so my child mind is stubbornly staying forefront. She is desperate for love and care, to feel secure. Adult me is occasionally there, or there enough in the background for me to be painfully aware of child me's presence.
I want to die. I am in more emotional pain than I can bear. I am unable to communicate my feelings and needs in a way which connects with others. I know I need to work this out, and when I do it will be a breakthrough.
But I feel like no one cares. I've shut myself off away from people, although I need them desperately.
I can't do this. I'm breaking down. Things don't even feel safe in therapy now, and then there's only one more session, on Monday, of that before the 3 week Easter break.
All the official meetings for the work changes start next week. My peers have their interviews next week, too.
And sometime soon one of my flatmates will be moving out due to their divorce/separation.
I feel so damn powerless and worthless and the pain is too much.
I keep thinking I should phone my GP's tomorrow, to see if I can get an emergency appointment. But I doubt they'd be able to fit me in, and I'm seeing my GP next Friday anyway. All she usually does is listen sympathetically [what I so desperately need] and then say to keep on keeping on. Is it worth it?
I feel so utterly alone. I am basically alone. I don't have any real life friends.
I know it sounds cliched, but I have lost the will to live. I have no appetite, and can barely face food, not had enough at all to eat today. Plus I need to punish myself anyway, and not eating hurts less than hurting myself physically. It's cheaper too.
I know it's wrong, but I am desperate for attention, for someone to care and notice and look after me.
I think you have been coping really well, Katie. You've been facing hugely stressful things recently and I can still see determination in you. I can see you want to fight, I don't believe you have entirely lost the will to live although it might feel like it.
Can you think of some things to soothe the child? If she wants security, would things like wrapping yourself in a blanket for a while help? You could focus on the feeling of the blanket securely around yourself.
Therapy breaks can be difficult, but you have faced those before. You know that you can make it through. Now's the time to think of every self soothing and relaxation technique you know! But I have faith in you.
Think about radical acceptance. You're in a situation you cannot change. Trying to change it causes you pain, so you need to accept it. Accepting it is not agreeing with it, or giving up, it is simply noticing that you cannot change it and to get through it as smoothly as possible. Like being stuck in traffic knowing you are late. You can't change the fact you are stuck, but you accept you will be there for a little while. You don't agree with it, but you ring the people you are meeting to let them know you will be late and stick on the radio rather than beeping your horn and shouting like everyone else.
Remember you can go to A&E if you feel unsafe.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Thanks Sarah. The reminder about Radical Acceptance is helpful. I generally do my best on acceptance, but I think what I have to do now is the Advanced Version or something, it's REALLY tough.
I'm feeling a bit stronger. Not 100% myself by a long stretch, but more present, as it were. Considerably safer, and with more perspective. Very insecure. Very alone.
Thanks for asking.
Thanks Serenity.
I see my GP on Friday. I'll be ok. 'I always am' even when I'm having a breakdown.
Katie-me is much more present again, thank God. But there are waves when *I* am barely there. I'm trying to 'ride the waves' the best I can. I hope the stabler part of me will strengthen.
I'm under a lot of stress, and when I'm under a lot of stress, I go 'very Borderline'. In fact a psychotherapist who was also my tutor on a course I did said that I was only Borderline when under stress. Which is one way of seeing things. I flip into my attachment disordered self big time. I've been switching around states a lot today, between me and my defensive angry alter ego ['Katrina']. Child me has been around less today, which is a shift from the past couple of weeks. And I've eaten properly today, the best I have in about a week. I've been a good honest support to my colleagues. I'll miss them when I leave. I'm trying not to think about that, but.
I think it might be an idea to call the GP surgery, Katie. As much as I know you have got through these things before, I think the fact that you are in a crisis state means you have every right to ask if you can see them sooner.
I am sorry that I do not have better words of advice, but I think focusing on things that soothe the different states and being aware of what it is that is triggering each one, is important right now.
I am sending my strength your way.
Be gentle with yourself
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I am so scared about tomorrow's session, so scared about 'messing up' again. When I do it hurts way way too much.
Even though I don't want to, I find myself involuntarily trying to 'escape my body' again.
I have my parents, that's it as far as family goes. They live across the other side of London. I see them once a month or so. They are in their early 70s.
I'm 41. At my age it is inappropriate to want to be looked after.
I think it is perfectly normal to want to be looked after at any age, especially if you missed out on some of that growing up.
But I also feel that, if there is no-one around to care for you, then you need to try and care for yourself as best you can.
Good luck for your session today. I hope you are able to get across how vulnerable and scared you feel to her. I know it will be hard during the 3 week break, but there are things you can do to help you cope.
I remember this time last year you were also finding it hard, and you managed then. So you can do it this time too.
Yes, I had a very good session this morning, very gentle. I still feel somewhat unsettled, but not quite so severely. Feeling and being understood makes all the difference.
