Back story; I was severely emotionally & psychologically abused & neglected as a kid, I used to dissociate randomly sometimes but would immediately snap back, I didn't know what it was and I didn't really care. I left home at 16 and was raped a few months later, very physical dissociation (dissociation from my body I think I mean & physical distress) because a huge issue, I felt/feel chronically unsafe.
I had two years of hell before I attempted suicide at almost 18 and went inpatient. It was one of most traumatic experiences of my life, after being abused and raped, and my mental health reached a new severity. I don't know how to explain it. I dissociated so badly that time meant nothing, I was buried way deep in believing that things weren't real & that I was dead, I was convinced that people were trying to kill me/get me/section me. Nothing was real, nothing was safe. I had no emotional connection to anything. I didn't really sleep, I was panicked out of my mind constantly. Everything was too unsafe for me to come round & speak honestly with anyone, or feel any emotion. I didn't cry. Three years passed (apparently).
Last July I ended up finding some psych services that treated me like I was human and didn't abuse me. It was like finding gold. I had also lived with my housemates for 9 months and then told them about being raped, they were amazing about it. The combination of these two did something to the dissociation along with...last Dec I got admitted into hospital for my Eczema. I was triggered out of my mind by being in hospital and completely lost it. I was passing out every few hours (some severe form of dissociation, nobody could find anything wrong physically), panicking equally as much, I went missing at one point (I completely lost time & space. I was found screaming in a toilet 3 hours later). After I got out everyone suddenly 'knew' about the dissociation. My psych was freaked and kept going on about grounding & everyone else followed his lead.
I started quetiapine. I think it's stablilised my hypervigilance & there seems to be some distinction between what's real & what's not.
My long winded point is; does anybody think that dissociation is real? I don't mean the dissociation itself I mean what you think in the dissociation, about things not being real, do you not believe that stuff? The last three years didn't happen. After I got admitted inpatient, I died and then something happened last Dec where I sort of became alive again. Time suddenly had some meaning and measurement, so did space. I feel so horribly unsafe inside. In my minds eye there are all these things happening constantly and they are real, I know it, and everybody is lying to me all the time, I hate it. I know that people are waiting to kill me so I wish they would just get on with it. I'm really confused & scared How can I 'ground myself' when I don't think I'm not not grounded if that makes sense? That stuff is real. What everyone elses thinks of as real life isn't.
Can anybody relate or understand? I'm really really appreciate any input in this. Thanks for reading.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
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I can completely understand.
Even if most of the time I am not physically dissociated, I am mentally dissociated. I don't believe this life is real, I don't know what's actually out there but I don't believe that this is life or "it".
What you say about losing space I can relate to. When I was a child a lot of the time things would seem a lot closer than they were which caused me to panic - an example of this would be when I was laying in bed and the curtains seemed really close, like right at the end of my bed when they weren't. I still have problems with this - if I'm on my own in public I feel like I'm invisible and that everything is really far away from me.
In short I believe that this, what we live in now, is a lot more complicated than it actually is.
I just want to say I can really relate to this feeling, it is horrible, and scary. It makes me question a lot, wondering 'is this real, is that real'?
You aren't alone with this, i assure you. But im sorry i havent really any advice to help, as "grounding" is the only thing i can think of. Or using mindfulness, and really focusing on what you can see/smell around you. It can take some practise. x
How can I 'ground myself' when I don't think I'm not not grounded if that makes sense? That stuff is real. What everyone elses thinks of as real life isn't. 
