I need to admit it I hate myself, I hate who I am, what I do, the sound of my voice, the face in the mirror everything. I just want to wipe out. I can't cope anymore.
I love you all too. <3
I'm just so angry with myself. Butt of every joke, can hardly talk to anyone properly, just feeling so awkward.
Anger for the way I handled my breakup. My ex said he wanted to marry me, have children with me, give me an amazing life etc.
Now he won't even talk to me properly, he's having the time of his life and I just wish I was ****. And I really can't cope anymore.
I keep injuring myself out of anger and hatred, it just feels like the logical thing to do. The doctor wants to put me on something for it all but I refused, I'm wondering now if it might be a good idea.
it might be a good idea to go back to your doctor but only if you think its a good idea. Don't compare your life to his, its not worth it. Do you have any family around you? any friends?
why do you feel awkward talking to people?
Its ok :) here to help :)
I think it'll have to happen, I can't cope alone anymore. My family live far away, and I'm a little estranged from them really. I live with my friends but I prefer to keep myself to myself to avoid being a pain.
When I talk to people I feel like my accent gets in the way and I feel really seperated, they've got better people to talk to.
I just feel so alone and worthless.
Thanks again :) xxx
you are not worthless. i want you to know that. and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. nor are you alone, i am sure your friends care and we most certainly care on here.
I really do think its a good idea to back to your doctor, they can get you help like counselling etc.
do you talk to yourself? read aloud? you could try that when no ones around, sometimes just to hear your voice. and if they have engaged in a conversation with you then they want to talk to you. you are more than worth their attention.
your friends won't think that you're a pain, they'll be glad to see you. and if you don't go out with them and spend time with them, eventually they aren't really friends as much anymore, and you'll feel more awkward and unsure about calling them up or seeing them.
the thing that will help your accent not be a problem is spending time with people, maybe because you can try and change it, but more because they'll learn to understand it easily cause they're used to talking to you.
you aren't worthless at all *hugs*
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I wonder if you have ever tried sitting down with your friends and asking them, honestly, what they think of you. You may well find that they consider you a lovely person. If you are feeling insecure about your accent, maybe say that to them - You may well find it is not as much a problem to them as you feel it may be, inside?
I know how hard it can be to be social when feeling insecure. I can tell you that with a little practice (and patience) it does and can get easier - Do keep trying, eventually you will find a place that feels comfortable for you and that social contact can provide the positive feedback you need for your self esteem.
Be gentle with yourself. I know it is hard, especially when you feel so low and bad about yourself. I have been there - I also know that you can take small steps and gradually refind those things that make you, you. Those unique pieces that are hidden in the fog right now. I can see them, because I am stood some way away and they shine much brighter to me. In time though, you will see them too.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
