Graphic - An explanation of why I am here

[Mayfly]

I never think of myself as a self-harmer, as I only do it on specific occaisions. I first made a cut on my wrist years ago, when I was upset at my mum and her friend having a go at me. I felt like my mum didn't love me any more and I decided to attempt suicide. In the end, all I did was cut my wrist enough to make a scar. No one noticed. When I got my first job, I was bullied and everything came to a head. I went somewhere with a glass, broke it, and savagely slashed at my wrist, thinking I'd hit a vein and just die. I didn't. I ended up with a lot of scars, but no real injury. I tried calling the Samaritans, but they didn't help me. I was asked by my boss as to what I had done and I lied. My mum didn't really ask, maybe she knew what I had tried to do, and couldn't handle it. I don't know.

When I'm stressed with someone, I injure myself to express my anger, when I can't speak about it, when I can't seem to get through to them.

The last time I did it, I was at work, and my boss was just goading me about something, and I cut myself quite badly. Again, I didn't do any real damage - I mean, it looks a mess, and I will have the scars forever, but it wasn't dangerous. I tend to cut down my arm these days, in the hope that I might hit something vital, but I never have. Ironically, I have a problem with blood and injuries and stuff, so cutting is a hard for me to do. I have to be so riled up that I can't think about anything else. Recently though, I've been thinking about just doing it because it feels like a comfort, a way to cope with stress.

I sort of don't want to die, but sometimes it feels like a way out, and an end to the stress.

[afraidtogetbackup]

hi,
It is temporary relief but it just causes more stress. Is there anyone you could talk to? A counselor maybe? Cutting was my way to cope with stress for a long time until recently. What you don't realize when you start, is that cutting is really addicting and it hurts everyone around you more than you think it will. It sounds like you should learn some other coping methods or communication skills. You said it is a way to express your anger, so maybe instead of cutting, try tensing all of your muscles one by one and then slowly releasing them one by one. It is a way that might help with the anger and will get you to relax and possibly not be as stressed. I've taken to drawing with pen on the place I feel like cutting. I've written love, hope, drew butterflies, etc. Take a walk/run, write everything out on a piece of paper or type it up. Sometimes when I would be mad, I would write until I couldn't write anymore and then fold the paper and try to rip it. I unfolded it one fold at a time until I was able to rip it. Then, I crumpled it into a ball and threw it in the trash can as hard as i could. Other times, i threw my pen or pencil at the wall or floor. Look around the site, they have a long list of other ways to cope, I just can't remember which link you have to click on. Take Care!!! *HUGS*

[PassedExpectations]

i'm glad that you don't think of yourself as a self harmer.... putting yourself in a box isn't very good in general, especially one with so many negative qualities and so much stigma. you are so much more than any one thing, any one word. people can't be boiled down to a few syllables or a short string of letters on a page.

that doesn't mean that you don't have a problem though, or that self harm is something to just let continue on...... its a really negative way of coping that can end up with really big consequences.

it sounds like you harm when you're feeling really strong sudden emotions?..... it might help if you forced yourself to take a minute to think before you acted. even something simple like counting to thirty or a few deep breaths could help you act less impulsively. or taking a walk or anything soothing like that, calming music, a good book (not an angry toned one)....

[Mayfly]

Thank you for responding. I try to talk to myself to cope without cutting, and most of the time it works. I think that the issue is I have no self-confidence, but I have learned to put on a mask, so people think I am. All the bullying I went through has never been resolved for me, and each time I've got to the point of self destruction but something has come along to change it. I've either moved jobs or been made redunant. I was nearly fired from my last job because my manager listened to me telling him how emotional distraught I was, and decided that I wouldn't mind sleeping with him while his wife was 'ill'. When he learned that I wouldn't, he tried to get rid of me in the fastest way possible. I managed to get a new job, and here, they actually give a darn about people. So they unfortuantely have inherited a person who has never been listened to, and is so full of anger at all those other people, that she has no real way of dealing with it.

I've tried counselling, but it didn't really work for me because I take so long to open up to people. I only got six sessions and then they stopped them because I was self-medicating with alcohol (I've stopped drinking altogether now).

I need a way of saying to people, "Please stop what you are saying, it is distressing me so much I can't cope with it", except I keep opening my mouth to say these important things, these vital things, and I end up crying because it matters so much. It's easier to cut, it says it with more emphasis than I can find. I tried saying something to a couple of colleagues and they stopped talking about the problem because "I was getting upset".

I also feel like no one will care unless I'm hurting.

[afraidtogetbackup]

I was in your position not long ago. I wanted to get worse so that maybe just maybe my problems would be worth helping and I wouldn't feel so guilty going to a counselor and wasting my parents money since the insurance covered less than the amount for one session. Since then, I've realized that everyone has a different breaking point so to speak. Even though a lot of people are worse off then me, it doesn't matter, I still have problems that need to be fixed and they are worth fixing. I know this is really cliche but give it time and you'll see that you are able to work through the urges, you just need to find the right reason that works for you and a healthier way to cope that works. The more you work at it the easier it will become. There will be times when it gets hard and will seem like the only way to cope is by cutting but if you can get through those times, you'll feel so proud and worth something.
If you don't want to talk about something anymore, just walk away if you can. Put your hand up and say we done discussing it.
I'm here anytime you want to talk...sorry about the rambling...
Take Care
*HUGS*

[Mayfly]

Thank you for replying, it's nice to find people can spend time with me even though my situation seems less terrible as other people's! I feel so unqualified to help some of the posters here, they must be going through hell.

I think I might be able to make some headway with the acknowledgment that I'm so angry at people in my past, including my parents.

Two things spring out.

One is a memory of when I started choking on some bacon in front of my father and he sat and watched me. Made no effort to save me. I was about four, maybe five. I managed to pull out the piece, and his comment was, "Maybe that will teach you to take smaller bites". I could have choked to death and I guess he would have written on my grave stone, "Should have learned to eat slower". I don't see my father now, I just stopped communicating with him, and although it hurts, I don't want to see him. I think that was the start of thinking I'm a useless human being.

Second is the memory of my mum breaking down in front of me. She was telling me to tidy my room and I was glaring at her, and she started crying and saying, "Your father and I love you but you have to stop living in a fantasy world" (I used to read a lot of comics and spent most of my time watching telly) and I realise that their love has always been conditional. I didn't do well at school, well, not as well as they wanted, and I got thrown out of college for failing the exams. I'm pretty much a failure in comparison with my brother. I have a good relationship with my mother, but I just constantly feel like I am just not worthy of anything. A part of me knows that isn't true, and I think the anger comes from being as much angry at me for not being able to say anything as from being angry at other people. It's like having two brains, and they just aren't aligned at the moment.

It's good to be somewhere where it feels like other people know what this is like.

[afraidtogetbackup]

Knowing and accepting are the first steps to recovery!! You are well on your way! I answer the ones that I can somewhat relate to or ones I can kine of figure out some way to help. All I can say to your 2 memories are that you should have had to go through them and I'm sorry you did. Take Care!!! *HUGS*

[Mayfly]

Thank you for a reply

[talaiporia]

How are you doing now?

[Mayfly]

I see I've made a bit of a hash of my last reply that was meant to say "Thank you for YOUR reply". It wasn't meant to sound like no one was replying.

Hello talaiporia. It's so difficult to say. Usually, I feel fine about things, I had a good weekend, went to London, saw some new people, the time flew by. But I was dreading going back to work.

It was a funny day on Friday because we ended up having a business meeting down the pub. I mean, it was a proper meeting, but we were having a bit of joke and all that. Anyway, we came back, and one of the guys who had been there, suddenly turned around and told me to "Stop giggling, it's not infectious". I don't know how to take that. All my life, people have told me truthful, hurtful stuff whilst pretending to be joking about it. The last team leader I worked with used humour like a scapel, she used to humiliate me in front of everyone and talk to me like I was six. And so I have to assume that this person was being serious, that he doesn't like the way I laugh. How do I change my laugh? I know I giggle, that's me, but now I feel like I have to change it somehow so it sounds more grown up. Nobody else spoke up for me. And the pain of that seemed less hurtful than cutting again. We were all going home anyway, there was no time to deal with it on the Friday, but the situation sunk in over the weekend. Even if he says that he was joking, it doesn't change anything.

I think I'll put something in the section for getting things off your chest. See if that helps. He's on holiday at the moment, but I'm worried about him coming back.

I feel confused about the fact that I can feel so up, and yet want to cut over something like that. I feel like I'm two separate people sometimes.

[afraidtogetbackup]

hey,
don't change your laugh. It is part of what makes you, you. Just because one person might not like it doesn't mean that everyone dislikes it. I know a person you laughs like the stereotypical laugh for a preppy stuck up cheerleader. That isn't her personality at all but the laugh suits her and I love it even though a couple people think it is really annoying when she starts "hehehehehe-ing". Try to let it go as someone down the road probably loves your laugh even though that one person doesn't.

I know what you mean about the two separate people. I've had arguments with myself about whether or not to cut and sometimes my moods change so quickly that it feels like I'm a completely different person as well. Just thought I'd let you know that you aren't alone. Sorry for the long reply.

I think venting would be a very great idea!
*HUGS*
Take care

[long road]

can understand injuring to express anger.
have you tried doing stuff like hitting a punch bag tearing up paper (perhaps with whats making you angry written or drawn on it) or using a stress ball?
it doesnt work every time but sometimes it can get enought feeling out/ help.

as for being two seperate people i have arguememnts with my head a lot about stuff like SI. and i think with cutting once you startt after a few times you think of it 'quicker' if that makes sense.

my best support hugs sorry i didnt write more!
jen x

[Mayfly]

Have to do a quick reply, it's nearly 8.30!

Thank you for your replies, I did have a bit of a rant but I want to say these things to him. Feeling very tired this morning, so not really wanting to think about much - hopefully things will look better later when I wake up a bit. Need tea .

I don't think I CAN change that about me, laughter's spontaneous, you can't just decide to make it different. And he'd be the first to complain if I were all serious all the time.

Right, will try to make it back at lunchtime....

[talaiporia]

How are you doing?

[Mayfly]

Hello again

So sorry, have put another post on another thread to explain what's happening, thanks for asking. Things got a bit out of hand yesterday, so I don't know what's going to happen.