sorry for posting,as i don't support many people on here.
basically, these last 6-8 months have been hell for me,i won't go into it as fear of judgement.
i keep having that thought...' is it really worth going on' on the other hand i know its a selfish act,esp when there are people that love me.
i just feel trapped,by what i've done, how much i have messed my life up with acting upon something that could have being worse.
there's probs more to say but i can't think properly atm.............i do actually want to live but i feel there is something preventing from doing it.
Last edited by ~ Bittersweet Memories ~ : 12-04-2011 at 07:57 PM.
don't feel like people will judge you, no one on here will, everyone's on here for their own reasons and know better than to judge people! :) sorry that you feel like this :( xx
its not tht, its just preventing me from moving on in life really, job wise, its stopping me applying for jobs because its always on my mind....
im probs just been pathetic anyways, i have a gut feeling that i will end up doing something drastic.....if i do i'll probs end up bk in prison...probably for longer than 5 months this time,as im bound to a community order for another 10 months. so i really probs should tell my probation worker,as she is the only one that i have faith in,she is very supportive,unlike CMHT
i agree with what has been said above but i also understand if you dont feel many will relate and also i know its hard for you to talk about and dont think you should have to unless you want/feel ready and maybe thats not now.
i do want to say though you are not a bad person.You did what you did but you have not messed things up.You have struggled yes but that doesnt mean it isnt something you cant come back from.
There is a point and things can get better.
i feel for you so much and i feel so useless and i wish i could help more cos you have helped and been there for me so much and i hate to see you in this pain but please hang on.
There is a point.Please stay safe and please dont die.Well done for posting and please keep talking.
This can get better.Things can improve and you can move on to better times.
i know you have so much on your plate and i cant imagine what it must be like having to cope with having recently come out of prison too but you are an amazing person and you can find your way through this and we are here for you.
There is a point.There are many.And i just hope you live to see them even if you cant right now.
Sorry for my rubbish reply and waffle.
i just want you to know i care and we may not have met but you mean a lot to me and have also helped me a lot and please let me try and give a little something back.
Thinking of you.Please keep talking.
You arent a bad person. You are a good amazing person who has simply gone through a time of enormous struggle!You are a strong person for finding your way this far and i have true faith in you that you can come out the other side of all this.And hopefully one day experience at least a little bit of the happiness you deserve.
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
its not tht, its just preventing me from moving on in life really, job wise, its stopping me applying for jobs because its always on my mind....
im probs just been pathetic anyways, i have a gut feeling that i will end up doing something drastic.....if i do i'll probs end up bk in prison...probably for longer than 5 months this time,as im bound to a community order for another 10 months. so i really probs should tell my probation worker,as she is the only one that i have faith in,she is very supportive,unlike CMHT
you're not being pathetic, trust me! please try and stay strong so you don't do something you'll regret, yeah if you trust her you should tell her how you feel, then she can give you the support you need. xx
thankyou kath you are a star....
its not a rubbish reply either.
i probs wont do anything drastic such as kill myself but there are other things running through my head, which would probably inviolve the police, but im trying so hard to not get back into the criminal justice system...its hard though. my probation worker is amazing tho.
i appreciate you talking to me though kath :D
xx xx
there are probably other people on here who have been to prison, but aren't brave enough to share that information. *hugs* it might be a big releif to them to know that they aren't alone on here....
im not completely sure, but the thought i'm having is that the more time you're without a job, the more effect the prison sentence will have? like if you got out, and then got a job, even if it was a really low paying one, employers will know that you're trying and working. whereas if you don't find anything to do, they'll wonder why you don't have anything there? (might want to run this logic by the probation officer)... and if you don't put your name in, you'll have no chance of getting a job.
in the meantime, while you're working on finding a job, you could volunteer somewhere (again, doesn't have to be super elite or anything) and then you could put that on job applications. and it might help you make some connections with other people who could help you get a foot in the door somewhere.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
i was going to say i understand what has happened would worry you in terms of getting a job etc but that sounds a bit patronising of me as i havent been there and i dont know what its like but i can see why your worried.
On the other hand if you can show youve moved on from what happened and that you are together health wise too and that similar wont happen again im sure youve got a reasonable chance.....and in some jobs you will have a really good chance of getting them simply cos they need people with life experience too...someone who has recovered, reformed and come back from all the crap.
Also yes you can say employers may look at what happened as a negative of an application if they have to find out but firstly there are ways that it can be turned into a positive as stated above.Secondly dont forget they will have all the rest of your Application to consider.Your qualifications, your skills, your personality, any experience you have etc so please dont feel its all a write off cos it is by no means.
You have as good a chance as any of us.There will be negatives for anyones application for work - some people may not have qualifications, skills or personality you have.Or like for example for me im job hunting at the moment and im registered blind with some but little sight and that is a hinderance to employers cos i need special equipment to do 99% jobs etc and to many employers i would also have to declare my mental health [which has also seen the police come out numerous times to me not to arrest but certainly to have involvement with me after overdoses] but i hope eventually i can find a job i like and employers who also want to employ me.Its tough but i believe [well hope] it can be done.
And i think the same for you and anyone.i do see why your worried and i also know job hunting can be so difficult and frustrating etc so i truely dont want to look as if im trying to minimise what your saying.
i do get it.What has happened may make it more of a challenge for you to get a job.i in your position would probably be very very anxious and worried too just like you are so i dont want you to think im not hearing.i think id feel just how you are right now too.But personally from an outsiders perspective i still believe it very much can happen and you have so much else to offer.
Hun in your last post were you trying to say you are having urges to do something which may land you in prison again?im not asking you to share them if you dont want to but are you having specific thoughts/plans?But anyway whether you are or not either way whether you are or not i really do think you need to talk to your probation officer about this seriously.im glad they are really trying to help you unlike your CMHT and i think they need to know this information.
Please please tell them this.i would hate to see you go back to prison.And me being selfish i would also miss you a great deal too.It is also not where i feel you deserve to be - if anything you are ill not bad in my opinion.And you have come so far since coming out please please do not allow yourself to do something which would mean going back there.
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
i am selfish but i do care and i would miss you back in prison i can ensure you.i believe in you.You have such fight to get this far even if you cant see it right now - you can do this.
i think its great you can admit to the urges.i cant imagine how hard that must be.Well done for admitting to them.Thats a great step and something to be proud of.Please please do write that letter for your probation officer tomorrow and tell her this and let her try and help and if i can do anything meanwhile you just let me know.
Please, please try not to act on the urges nad know im here - anytime.Well i'll try to be when i can be and feel free to contact me anytime and i will try to respond as soon as possible.
im guessing its not very easy to distract from the urges at all?i really hope you can resist.
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
did you get a letter to your probation officer? did she give you any advice or someone to call?
i'm figuring that your time its about 9:30 right now.... maybe you could do something relaxing before bed (don't know what time you usually go to sleep.......)
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
thanks for replying again kath,you are a real help to me....that includes the last few months.
i did get it to her,as its out of her remit she can't really do alot, im stuck a bit because as you know i've lost faith in my CPN and don't really want to talk to her about it as she always comes back with ' its your choice katy'
to me thats just passing the buck, sometimes i feel i don't have capacity to make decisions for myself. esp when my head is way too chaotic.
i'm not too bad,the tablets( prescribed) are making me feel drowsy the next day,so i end up sleeping during the day which isn't good.
Sorry I don't have much to say and couldnt manage to read the whole thread, so sorry if I repeat stuff. I just wanted to say I understand what its like to be in a bad place, and to have "legal" stuff holding you back, stuff you can;t do anything about as yeah its something you did, but then other people took control of it, and of your life and it leaves you feeling so stuck and out of control.
I'm not going through the same thing as you, but I'm going through a bad time at the moment and know what its like to feel low or suicidal.
I'm always here if you want to chat, just pm me :)
thanx angel2fire,its has been hard these past few days.
plus with what 'diagnosis' i've got,there isn't a specific medication that helps...
my life is too chaotic to even consider DBT yet,i seem to keep being forced to do it though.
i just seem to switch alot, it really is dragging me down, im struggling to cope. some say i cope well with it but i never see that.
im just at a loss as what to do now.
Last edited by ~ Bittersweet Memories ~ : 31-03-2011 at 09:09 PM.
Reason: update
you are a star....
