Graphic - Ive given up on myself. Triggering!!!!!!!
I cant say this shit to anyone, I have to get it out! I really dont know what there is to get out of this. Honestly youd just be wasting your time if your gonna give advice. Im sorry. I love you guys. I always feel a little better after Ive visited. I just want to know that Im not alone in what. Im feeling I guess. To know that somebody can relate??? I dont know. I have been cuting alot. For me at least. At least 2 times a week. Sometimes more. I just dont care. Im sick of this shit. I always have sadness to the point of crying. Anxiety that cripples me at times. I have 3 kids and a new job, I HAVE to be there. I HAVE to work. Cutting myself is an instant fix. Lately I have had more and more thoughts specifically about my blood. I have this one thought its more of an image that pops into my head alot where the t-shirt I use to clean up with is literally soaked in blood pouring onto the floor. I like to smear it on myself. I just like to see it. Im scared, its like I trigger myself!! I cant help it!! It drives me crazy!! I dont know....I really hope that this doesnt trigger someone else. Ive kinda given up on myself, not life, just me. Fuck it. I cant get out of this. I try but I just dont care. I dont have the guts to kill myself, BUt I wish everyday that something anything would kill me.
:( Try to think of your kids and how you want to be there for them in the future and you want to be a good role model to them. I know how you feel about how you're too scared to kill yourself, so am I and i just wish that something would happen to me so something else could kill me and do the job for me :/
I understand that. U know I want to be there for them but, ex has bf the kids stay the night alot and he buys them stuff. I know its just how it is, BUt I dont feel like thir dad. He is their new dad! They come hom e talking bout him all the time. I hate it so much. I cant say anything tho. its not their fault. So I hold it in, I let it out tho. And watch it drip away. I feel like the babysitter. Thank God that Im a fucking loser, cant go through with it. Ill be there when and if they ever want to know me.
Ohh okay :( i understand that's hard for you, just try and think to yourself that YOU'RE their real dad and he can't take that away from you. Just try and be strong so that they're proud to call you their dad and make sure they know you'll always be there for them.
Been in the same position Jason so understand your pain. Here for ya anytime.
SERENITY is my RYL mum.
SOLO is my RYL auntie.
SEFKA is my RYL daughter.
DAYS GONE BYE is my RYL sister.
JEFFERSON.MERIWETHER is my RYL son.
OLINESS is my RYL son.
Today was a horrible day!! Ive already biten myself once, Didnt have anything sharp. I was late for an inspection, by an hour and a half. Got pulled over by the police. Had an anxiety attack while she was talking to me. I missed 2 of my turns in San Antonio. That had me stressing out already. When I got home a found out my Bank Account is negative $42. I cant handle it Ive SH again. Im gone. Im very high and drunk at the moment. Probably why I can actually sit here and write this shit. I just dont care. Nobodies ever gonna see it. Ive already got so many scars, What a few more?? Fuck it! I look at you people who r so happy bot being "2 months free". I just cant comprehend how you guys do it. I guess its a good thing. I just dont see the big deal with it. My Therapist considered my cutting and shit a crisis!!! HAHA I dont get it. Whatever.
Im sorry, I know all of you guys have your own depression and mental illnesses. Im so caught up in my own despair and demise. I havent hardly replyed or been there for any of you. Why should anyone give a shit bot me. Its ok. I just wanted to say Im really sorry that I keep taking and r not giving back. How shitty is that. Im sorry to whoever reads this.
Just wanna offer some support...I can relate to how you feel about needing to see blood and I know how triggering/painful it can be. When you feel like that it's really hard so maybe could you try and identify if there's something/things in particular that start you feeling this way-maybe if you can identify the early feelings it will be a little easier to stop. Also distraction really can help but if you feel like you have no motivation to stop SIing then that makes it difficult-when I read your posts what struck me was how much you obv really care for your kids. Maybe they could be your motivation-to think of them and how much you love them when you're trying not to cut having to work when you feel so awful...I'm so sorry things are so hard for you at the moment-please try and hold on for your kids and for yourself. If you could talk to your therapist about this and explain if maybe you feel like you need some more support that could help too. Well done on the new job btw! :D getting a new job when you're feeling this awful is a real achievement-try and focus on that. Hugs x
no need to feel bad about posting btw hun...ppl understand that it can be really difficult to give advice when you're feeling bad yourself so no worries hun x x
Hello,
I know that you don't want to hear this, but please just listen. I too have had thoughts of suicide. There is this kid who keeps on bullying me and I don't know what to do! That is irrelevant. Think about your family. No matter what is going on, they love you deep down inside. Imagine what your mother would seem like if she found out that you were dead? Imagine your entire family? How would you cope if your most beloved person in the world died?
Bulliedatnfs I dont know how old you are, But im 27. I was bullied all throughout highschool. The one thing I learned from it is that you have to defend yourself. I blew off most of it. I dont condone this but this is just what I did bc I was fed up. When this person started messing with me, I ust started egging him on. Just using words to piss him off. Bullies are very insecure with themselfs instead of pulling inward, they feel like they have to prove themselfs to everyone. Have to be Alpha Male bullshit. So he ended up throwing the first punch. I just defended myself. You can be surprised what your capable of. How fast your mind can react when your in danger. I actually ended up making this person fall down a small flight of stairs. Hed had enough. Im not saying you should do this. Its always better to walk away. I had to deal with the consquences also. This is just my experience. Bottom line we as humans live a long time. As soon as someone realizes they can walk all over you they will!!! YOU HAVE T STICK UP FOR YOURSELF!!
As far as my mom and me we dont really talk. If we do its in an email. Its been 2 months since we even did that. I dont know if itd really effect her that much. Family???? Yes I have people that share my blood. SO physically we are related. DO I ever talk to or see them. Nope. My father left when I was 10 the first time I saw him in 15 years he was lying in his casket. So Family???? I have no Family. I have my kids, thats it. They love me I know that. I also know that in time they would and will understand my pain. my sadness. Through life experiences. Just as i did. Family?? Thats funny?? Think about what family really means to you before its gone.
I dont talk to my mother bc WE dont get alone. Never have, and now i dont care enough for her to try. She does her thing and I do mine. I have no doubt that I will make it. Im not bitching or anything. I will never kill myself. I havent given up on life, just myself. Today I was late getting back, thought I was going to miss my therapists appt. I was going 90mph and I guess you could say playing chicken, but I was just trying to get around this car. Afterwards I was shaking nd trembling at the thought I getting into a head on colision going 90mph. It was an experience I just cant find the right words for. Stupid, Thrilling, Stupid. Like I said just given up on me. Whatever happens, happens at this point. Right now Ive got a drink in my hand so Im Better than ealier. I do like the encourging thoughts. I do get up and go to work every fucking day. I take care of 3 kids everyday one is a 4 year old with special needs. I love them to death, and I am trying. I really dont mean to complain. Im just saying what is happening. Nice to write it down. I dont even right in my journal anymore.
Its ok. I understand that. Im just writing on here now bc I have been for a few days. Not looking to stop. Its not a big deal. I am 2 days free of SH tho. I dont know why Im saying that, like its some big accomplishment. lol. I want to, but I just dont have the energy. Dont know if thats a good thing or not. Therapist told me I have 11 of the 13 symptons for anxiety attacks. Thats good to know. I dont get hot and cold flashes, and I dont disassociate myself. BUt I have all the others. Whatever. Great. thats so great to know. At least I can identify them now i suppose. She wants me to do my deep breathing exercises, Id rather just cut myself. Told her I just want someone to talk to, not interested in stopping. I like it, in a way.
Nevermind on the 2 days. make that 1 day. haha Thats so funny but pathetic. bc part of my was actually proud of that, didnt realize till I cut myself. Hmm.....She had to fuck it for me. I feel better tho. So it worked.
Nevermind on the 2 days. make that 1 day. haha Thats so funny but pathetic. bc part of my was actually proud of that, didnt realize till I cut myself. Hmm.....She had to fuck it for me. I feel better tho. So it worked.
What happened?
I wonder, as you say you do nto want to stop, but felt pride for having managed to not act on it. I wonder if some small part of you does want to stop. Maybe grab hold of that part and use it to make it to two days next time - then to three...
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
what happened is I had to deal with my ex, bitch wanted to talk bout something, idk what. She just wont leave me alone. It triggered an anxiety attack.........I just gave in and let it do its thing, then i did my thing. The things that are holding me here, are changing into things I dont like. Whats left??? My own thoughts are causing me to have anxiety attacks. Its feeding itself. Im losing myself fast.
.gif "rose")
