Everything :-(

[Pink_and_Sparkly]

Im having such a crap time of it right now. I can hardly put into words how I feel. Im scraping by at work, literally I count it as an achievement getting up and driving to work - doing anything productive is a miracle. But when im not at work I just dont know what to do. Nothing interests me anymore, I dont want to go out, I dont want to eat.
I just want to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head and wait for my life to be over.
Im not crying like I was last week when I just could not stop - I cried for about 6 hours every day. But I feel almost worse - i feel emotionless, I feel like a zombie.I feel numb. I dont care about anything.
I started cutting again (albeit in very bizarre places). That helps but it's never enough, I always want to do it more and more and then that causes its own problems which makes things even worse!!!
Im soooooooo stressed and fed up and I dont want to spend the rest of my life battling depression and self harm like this.
I just wish I would never wake up again in the morning.

[pea soup]

Hi,

First, I would like to tell you that even though you are very depressed, you are still managing to hold down a job. THAT is a positive!

I'm sorry if you have made previous threads that I may have missed but I'm wondering if you are in therapy or taking any meds for your depression?

Also, there is usually a "root" issue for depression or it could simply be a chemical imbalance. I don't know if you have ever been diagnosed with an illness or if you have just been going at this on your own.

I have felt the same feelings you are describing and I know how crippling they can become. Try to feel some satisfaction and motivation that you are coping enough to actually get of bed and go to work even when all you want to do is hide. That's determination and I hope you can find pride in that.

Thinking of you.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

[Pink_and_Sparkly]

Thank you for your kind reply.
You are right, I am managing to hold down my job, albeit not feeling very successfully at times. Im thinking of having some time off, but I cant work out if that will make me better (less stressed out, less tired) or worse?
This is my third 'episode' of depression and im 27.
I've just started taking anti-depressants again (reluctantly on my part).
Sometimes I feel okay. I mean i look 'okay' and when im not crying i think 'i must be okay'. But i dont feel attached to life. People have conversations with me and I sit and nod and have whole conversations and then realise I dont know what they said. Nothing interests me, the future makes me feel incredibally anxious and worried. I try not think about it.
I dont know how I feel really. I feel so confused and muddled. Just wishing I could curl up in bed and wait for everything (though i dont know what everything is?) to be over?
xxx

[CrystalMc]

Firstly I'm so sorry you feel like this, but the fact your are getting up and going to work is a HUGE positive. I think time off could be a good thing so long as you spend the time doing things, even little things like walking to the shops, or going to see a friend, and don't fall into the habit of sitting around the house (thats what I did for the first 2 months off work and it made me so much worse).

I understand what you mean by the attached the life bit, I struggle with that too. It's not like I purposefully ignore people or back away from life but it just doesn't seem to register with me or interest me, but there are good days where I feel almost human and you will have them too I promise.

Rest assured things will get better, it may take a while but hang on in there and you can come through the other side. Depression is such a hard thing to beat, I'm currently going through it for the second time and i'm 24, but we can beat it :) and there is always support here for you.

Hope your doing ok today

xxxx

[pea soup]

Just wondering how you are doing today?

Thinking of you.
loves.
xxxxx

[Pink_and_Sparkly]

Thanks for your lovely replies

Am doing okay I guess. Had another stressful day, cant sum up any excitment for anything other than going to bed, pulling the covers over my head and never facing the world again, thats my ultimate goal at the moment!
But still need to pay the bills, so have no choice but to go to work and get through the day as best as I can without flipping out/crying/walking out etc etc!

I feel okay I guess though. Im not crying anymore? I just dont feel anything, apart from anger sometimes. Im still not really eating or sleeping well. Lifes still pretty much the same!

Thank you for asking though xxxx