I think it is ok to be scared Rach. I think a lot of people would be. I also think that you have a lot going on at the moment and I imagine that feels very overwhelming and is making everything seem heightened, including your anxiety about the surgery. You WILL be ok though and you WILL get through this. Stop beating yourself up about your ankle. It is not constructive and it certainly is not helping you. Re the flash back: I am not sure how flashbacks 'work' in terms of what can trigger them but I was wondering whether the fact you are really stressed and struggling with external things as well mighthave something to do with it?
I think I'm afraid of the surgery because for the past few days I've gone to bed and "asked" not to wake back up. Also, with my grandfather dying..things are still really sad.
Plus I have a root canal scheduled for the 30th and I'm anxious about it.
All the ligaments that hold the ankle joint are completely torn which they call a "Grade 3" sprain. Basically, they should have done surgery from the beginning but didn't.
I haven't slept tonight even after taking my ambien...due to anxiety.
I think the flashback was probably caused by a multitude of things. Death, funerals, physical pain, mental pain, financial issues that I can't resolve.
AND Kelly's mother!!! She is sooo unkind!! It hurts me so badly. I care about her and her well-being. But she cares nothing about mine. I just don't understand it. I need to accept it and I'm trying to. I will be seeing my SW this Wednesday.
Also, I just found that my psych of 2 years is leaving the clinic!! That has had me in a whirl for a while now. She had such a great understanding of me and that's a hard person to find.
Anyhow...thanks for listening.
love to all.
xxxxxxxxxx
On the grade three sprain, i had one of those a few years ago and they suck boogers! but they can fix it and as long as you take care of it (grrrrrrrr) you'll be fine :)
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I haven't been in this much pain since child birth. I swear. I honestly didn't know the human body could withstand it.
I woke up in recovery actually screaming. They gave me morphine and more morphine until they maxed out the dosage. The pain is unimaginable!!
I wasn't stable enough to get into a wheelchair for a while but Kelly was able to sit with me.
It is covered in a dressing and I have a stabilization boot up to my knee with no weight bearing. I wear it for 3 days and then a cast for 3 weeks, then back to the boot for 3 weeks, then physical therapy.
I'm taking vicodin. But I might as well be eating candy. There is no comfortable position and the metal rod going down the side is pressing directly on the incision. It hurts like HELL.
geez..I sound pitiful....but I know pain and this is top scale for sure.
Yeah they maxed out morphine with me too and then gave me ketamine. Which helped but it wasn't pretty at the end! Glad you're home, things will get better. I promise :)
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
You and Jess should take your own advice to each other! She is right though, things will get less painful and more easy with your ankle from now on. You can get through this Rach x
But the situations are quite different. My situation was self harm :(. I continue to feel so guilty...Kelly has to do things for me...I can't drive or do much with Kaleb...I have been doing his homework with him but that's about it.
The pain meds are making me sick but its either take them and be sick and maybe puke or sit here in really bad pain. The cast has helped. I've never had staples before, only stitches. It was weird seeing them today. I feel the need to "make up" for what I've done but don't know how. No one knows that the original injury was purposeful except you guys and Kelly. The shame is overwhelming. And Emma, I know it isn't helping anything but I just can't help it. Guilt overtakes me and I never knew that a broken ankle would cause all of this. And when I did it, I really didn't expect the ankle to break...but it did in three freaking places...
My SW is working on getting me into OP therapy at therapy at the hospital. My psych leaving is freaking me out. I will miss her terribly, plus she really KNOWS me.
I've been awake since 2:30 am and was exhausted when I went to bed but now can't sleep.
Our financial situation is rock bottom. My mother is having to help us with gas money just to Kaleb back and forth to school. Kelly's parents would help but they honestly don't have the money.
I'm just so stressed out but don't know how to change anything. I'm stuck and feel there is no way out. I'm doing my best to deal with it.
I need sleep and rest but the ankle wakes me up hurting alot or I wake up on my own and can't get back to sleep. I feel so frustrated and now I'm rambling...so I'll go.
I've been here reading threads about folks that are in recovery.
I remember being there for quite a while and it scares me. Recovery was very hard. But it was also very rewarding. To be honest, I'm happy for you guys that are recovering but I want to be back there again.
I haven't harmed in a while. No cutting or burning..the last was the ankle a few months ago. My ankle now is a result of what I did back then....just goes to show that it can still catch up to me when I think it's over with.
I can't pinpoint the exact time that I decided to break my arm, which was the first or the exact time I decided the ankle. And I can't remember what prompted me to do either. How can I do something so extreme and not remember why??? Was the reason so damn trivial?
And how do I know if I'm in recovery? I haven't harmed in a while now, but I'm still depressed and self esteem is in the gutter. The flashback was an isolated incident as I havent had another one.
What constitutes recovery anyhow? I honestly don't know.
Is it our actions? Our feelings? Both?
Maybe I'm just talking a load of crap because I'm so tired. Who knows.
Hey there you giant idiot :P I think the pain you're in is more than enough 'reccompense' for breaking it yourself. I know how hard it is to not be able to do anything. Let me suggest some things :) you can fold washing, you don't have to move to do that. You can also play the wii. You can watch movies. You can also do some cooking. Mixing all the baking stuff and then having Kelly pop it in the oven. I knoooow it's hard :) But you CAN get past this lovely.
Love you :)
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Today has been uneventful so far. I got a couple hours of good sleep last night but am getting tired. So I'm going to try for a nap soon.
We are going to my Mom's tomorrow to stay the night and then she is taking us to Jackson on Wednesday for my root canal. eeekkk.. It will be done in 2 processes. The first visit, he is going to open all three roots to let them drain and also insert a microscopic antibiotic into each one. That will stay there for 3 weeks and then I go back to have it sealed. The first visit will take about 1 and 1/2 hours. I'll be getting the gas and lots of numbing shots. I HATE the shots. The longer I have the gas before the shots, the better. It makes me very loopy,basically where I will just listen and do whatever he tells me to. Everything else I'm oblivious to which is fine with me.
I freaked out a bit ago because for the last few days I keep seeing the ads on the side of the page on FB. And you know they try to go after what they think you might be interested in based on your profile. I kept seeing lesbian sites, so I went to edit profile and OMG! I had the "interested in women checked!! I figure that Kelly mistakenly thought she was on her account and did it. it's happened before since we dont sign on usually and the the other starts using it and then realize we are on the other's account, lol. anyhow..I changed it and hope Keith didnt see. I'm sooo tired of hiding this from him and I do have links that I share concerning gay marriage and such...oh well...
I took sleepy pills so maybe I could sleep more than 2 hours.
Hi....Im getting muddled with my dates...but i either hope it goes well hun, or that it has gone well...Please update how you are when you can, Much love xx
You are an amazing mum, Keith wouldnt think any less of you.
Sorry, im not that great with words at the moment. However, i dont know if this is any help to you, but I often share a computer with my parents. Instead of having to log on and off places, we each use a differnt browser. My mum uses internet explorer and I use safari or firefox. That way, you dont muddle accounts up. :)
