I am ok. At least that is what I keep telling everyone. I don’t know why I have come back here. I am of no use to anybody. My daughter is a strong girl and is handling her situation like a soldier. She says that the boys are even telling others to leave her alone. My son, he did well this week at showing. I am so awesomely proud of my kidos that I sit here and cry…how did I deserve them??
Shattered beyond recognition on the inside, still proving I am a warrior on the outside. It has been three months since my burning incident, scar is still blistering and oozing every once in a while. I dreamt last night of doing myself in. It was so vivid, it gave me peace to think I could actually do it. Then came the SI thoughts and all that comes with those images…where, when, size, location, how, which store to buy, bandages, the thought and actual feelings of pressure relief. I am so wanting it….but NO! I can’t do it. I have proved that I am stronger. I have told others that I am “over” the need…I have other outlets, right?
I am still that little girl lost in her own world. I want so much to move forward, but this time I have hit a wall. I am scared to climb over for fear of falling. I am scared to knock it down, for fear of getting hurt. I am scared of going around it, for fear of it being a long journey. So I will sit here and wallow in my misery. I will toy with my ideas of my mind ramblings.
A woman.
A mother.
A worker.
A wife.
A slave.
A slut.
A whore.
A girl.
Lost. Again.
But I am OK.
Just tell me to go away. I will accommodate. Life right now could use the lift.
Rain
No, FRainy, dont go away.
Its odd how sometimes in seeing our kids' accomplishments it then brings out the thoughts of our failures...
What could you do for that little girl?
Do you still see your T? She sounded very good for, and to, you.
Would you consider re-contacting her?
Sometimes, even warriors need a shoulder and a rest.
Love you girly
xxx
[In re-reading, i have to ask; what is the wall?
It sort of sounds like the fear of letting it all out, of finally seeing that little girl and all that happened to her...and is still happening...sorry if im way off]
I called her..told her I was up against that wall...wants to see me this afternoon or in the morning...I really thought I was over...yeah I know...long term illness.
You are not way off romp...Scared. I hate letting my inner emotions rule my outer flesh..April...a hard time for me...the month dad loved to touch me 34 years ago...the month my brother stuck himself in me 28 years ago...the month that I tried to really really kill myself 22 years ago.
I hate me romp...why cant i just let go this time...39 is definately a good age to pass...it just has to be...
*crying*
my counsellor is calling and I am scared to answer...
I didnt ask for this life, but I take what I have. and try to live.
I hope you can answer her call.
I think you know it is finally time to face all this and really learn to forgive yourself, tho there is no blame on you...yiu know what i mean.
Scary?
Hell yeah.
But with her, you CAN do this FRainy. I know you can.
I also know we will be here for you whenever you need.
As well as be here to love you till you can learn to love yourself.
xxx
I wish i kept my Emails to you. I remember writing that i was scared you were immersing youself so deep in work and distraction that you were forgetting to tackle the issues.
i dont want to say i told you so but........
Look the bravery comes from not running or hiding. It doesnt come from filling your life with **** and avoiding. It comes with facing it straight on. Jesus ****ing christ it hurts! ......but eventually you can and do start to learn that, actually, it wasnt all your fault.
If i was rich id fly over. Pick you up and take you for dinner with romp and we'd drink beers in one of those wierd bars you north American type folks drink in and shout Yeee-haw and line dance and go yuk-yuk and then id get beaten up for racial stereotyping and you two ladies would have to give me the kiss of life mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Opps sorry went off into a fantasy of my own then.
Rainy you did the right thing calling. You havent failed. Infact you did the complete opposite.
2 years ago you would have cut and drank and all kindsa things. The phone call would have come waaaay after.
Raah youre a tiger and we love you
xxxxxxxxxxxx
Mwah
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
That sounds fun Matt..but for the yuk yuking and line dancing :/
Ill show you a much better bar.
ANYwyas...he;s right FRainy...in no more 'hiding' and that reaching out to her was very brave.
Take the next step love.
and the next one
xx
December 12, 2008
I am worried about you Rainy. You need to take time for you. A sanctuary is what you need right now. TIme to take time for your self. I am worried that your submersion in your work is going to over shadow the fact that you have problems. You need to work on these problems or they will always interfere in your life.
Is that one of the ones you are in reference to?
I kept alot of them. I read all of them tonight. I cried more. I weep in pain. I dont want to be me right now. I dont want to hurt the way I do. I am confused and am confusing facts with fiction. My mind...wants me to do things. I want to do bad things. My heart cries though, knowing it is not right.
I hit my wall today. pounded my fist against the wall of my house. I cant break it. It hurt me. I need to build again. Build that hedge so i cant be taken.
just say it, please?
Last edited by Rain Keeper : 23-03-2011 at 11:32 PM.
I didn't know about the things you mentioned in this thread.
I sometimes find your threads hard to understand. But I relate to THAT.
And all that comes to my mind right now is how sorry I am. Maybe hearing this from me isn't what you need. It's just the only thing I know to say.
Please take care of you.
much love and support.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am a confusing person. I admit that. I am sorry.
Thank you for your replies though. And just for reading.
My husband and I are fighting again. This time because I got easily tempered with my daughter. He told me to leave---leave the house. I said no. Course I was on my way out to work...but I fought back. He asked me point blank if I was going to get another scar on my arm so every one could look at me. He wants to know why I havent lost any more weight. He wants to count the scars on my arms so he can prove that I was stupid. He wants to know how cutting makes me feel better.
I told him I should see a counsellor..He said I just need to get my head outta my butt.
He also said it didnt matter that I have my EMT license....It was just a goal for me to finish again...I dont need to bring it up anymore???? I just lost 6 months and 400 dollars...
Well done Rain, Well done!
I am asking for one person to say the words...please...I am not ok.
Sweetie - I don't know you or you me. But I have read this and I just feel for you. I hope that is ok. Your Husband does not sound supportive, maybe he does not understand and maybe he doesnt want to. I don't know. But I do know that you are so worth it, you are worth it here. You have made friends here, and they care because you matter. I can read that just in these threads.
