I have been in therapy eigth years and i am 41 years old. I have been harming since i was a teenager. Supposedly this is a symptom of my borderline personality disorder that is so severe that its going to take a very long time to cure. Harming they say is a symptom of this illness. Well I am here to say its a bunch of bs. Oh it may be a symptom but i have worked my butt off with coping skills and stop this cycle of hurting myself. I dont want to do it but find me something that can really replace what harming does. When my soul is being ripped to shreds my heart torn into pieces on the floor in pain so much i can barely breathe and my only comfort is when i give in to harming. Find me something that works i beg of you. do you really think i like the scars or wearing long sleeve shirts to hide what ive done in the middle of the summer? Do you really think i like a razor. I am so tired of this crap. is there any dr out there that truly gets what harming is about. if there is would you please find us something that gives us the ability to stop. I am tired of pleading to god whats wrong with me tell me and ill fix it. I am tired of hurting myself and others thinking im a freak. the regular drs face when he gives you an exam and sees what youve done to your own body. i came away from my last therapy session with hope and i fought for three days not to harm but it was eating me up inside and i was a horrible person. everything was pain and no matter how busy i stayed or what i did made it go away. so yesterday i harmed. my harming has become dangerous. not like my gf thinks im trying to commit suicide. its because i need more pain than i was getting. im mad at myself for doing it but i cried when i did because that release it gave me comforted me so much. After so much time you think there would be more info for drs to know what self harming is about. ive done the research and read the books. they truly dont get all of it. I very angry at everything. im angry with myself because as the dark i fear starts to work its way in i will harm. not by choice but because there is no other way out. friends that accidentally found out my gf who found out a few years after we got together say call me when you get like that we will talk or we can go for a walk. i know they are trying to be helpful and care but talking and walking doesnt cut it. i politely agree but i never call them. i try to keep this private. My arms now bare moms w***e and daddys s**t. now tell me after all these years am i getting better? I requested to be put in the hospital because i knew i was a danger to myself because of the level of harming. good old state of sc says you have to be suicidal or homicidal. So I can't even get in the hospital to protect me from me. I am hurting somebody im hurting me. doesn't that count for something. im not a freak i am not crazy. i am in pain so much pain. Do they ever think what it takes to make a person go so far as to hurt their own body? I want to stop and i wanna say no im not gonna harm tonight but i would be lying about the harming part and im not a liar. medications only do so much. fill in what we need to go with that that will help us beat this.
