I don't really know where to begin. I guess what I want to say is that I'm sick of not being normal. Normal 22-year-olds don't SI while drunk; they have fun with friends, or at least that's how it's depicted on TV, lol. I think I'm angry at myself for slipping-up again. You see, my SI started when I was 16, and since then I have gone through various stages of frequency and intensity. Recently, I've been doing really well at minimizing the frequency (only one episode of SI a month or so), and I've been systematically ridding myself of my tools. Two days ago, I threw my last one into the woods near my house so there's no way I could find it if I tried. Maybe it was too soon for me to do that because last night, I SI-ed after drinking with my fiancee, only, since I threw away my last tool,
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I used a kitchen knife
. It was a very unwise decision, and now I just feel disapointed and a little scared that I can lose control over myself. I don't know what to do now; I guess just keep trying to stop is all I can do. Sorry for this being very rambly; thanks for reading.
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly."
I kinda get how you're feeling, your not alone on this <3
I kinda want to throw my tools away but I know I'm not ready to just yet, you seem to be doing great at controlling it, I always feel angry at myself when I slip up.
I'm also a little scared about losing control over myself too.
Hold your chin up, Hang in there. <3
Pm me if you want to talk <33
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising, Just be true to who you are..<3
tv is a really bad place to judge what is and isn't normal. and in reality, normal means having stuff that stresses you and that you struggle with, if you didn't have anything like that, i think that you'd be one out of a million. so in general, i think its better to try and aim for healthy, not normal.
getting rid of your tools takes alot of courage and is a positive step. even though you found a way to hurt yourself anyways, it doesn't take away from that accomplishment
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
You make a really great point with the normal vs. healthy idea. I think I need to work on my thinking patterns and not be so self-critical since being self-critical is what makes me compare myself to what is "normal" in the first place. Thanks for the advice!
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly."
I know what you mean. I find after i've had a few drinks I seem to find SI a lot more tempting. Like last night, my boyfriend and I had a couple of friends round and we had a good laugh it was fun, but then everyone left and my boyfriend went to bed and I felt distraught. I felt like everyone had deliberatly left me feeling like this. And my arm was itching to be cut. But my boyfriend dragged me to bed and wouldnt let me be alone which prevented the cutting but i still have the urges :(
Getting rid of tools is difficult. I know i struggled, but i've managed to get rid of all but 2 of mine now. It's a slow process but it's worth it in the end.
I hope ur feeling better now sorry this is a rambly post x
~If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see.. you can find out first hand what it's like to be me..~
WhichyWay is my baby sister.. I love you baby girl ^_^
Yes! That happens to me too; when the party is over I just feel so sad and I want to SI, and sometimes I actually go through with it. I think the alcohol distorts not only my judgment, but my perception so sometimes I'm a really emotional drunk. I do feel a little better; I hope your urges go away soon, and you weren't ramble-y. Congrats on getting rid of your tools too! You're right when you said it's worth it, because even though it's hard to throw them away, I do feel safer without them.
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly."
I only managed last night because my bf forced me to go to bed. I drink a lot tho because it helps me numb everything. I never have money but as soon as i do i buy cigarettes and drink and sometimes razors too. I still have urges atm but hoping to keep overcoming them. How are u feeling now? x
~If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see.. you can find out first hand what it's like to be me..~
WhichyWay is my baby sister.. I love you baby girl ^_^
I am feeling much better about what happened; it's disappointing, but I must move-on and not get stuck in it. Thanks for asking. I'm glad your bf looks out for you; my fiancee is the same way. I spend a lot of money on booze too, and I drink for various reasons; mostly just to have fun, but I've drank to feel better before too. For me, alcohol and SI have just ended up going hand-in-hand over the past year or so. I'm slowing breaking the association between the two though; I don't want to stop drink to avoid SI, it just seems silly to me because I'll still SI regardless if I drink or not. Now, I'm rambling! lol
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly."
