What does/did depression feel like for you?

[Cedrus]

Of course, we are all individuals and hence will feel different to others. I’ve been depressed a few times in the past (I don’t mean that in a colloquial sense) and I’ve started feeling low again. Professionals have been asking me if I feel depressed and I say no, because I haven’t cried for a long time. But I’ve started to wonder if it has taken on a different form, and well, it got me wondering what other people feel it to be like?

I don’t know if I am depressed at the moment but I definitely feel quite low. I have no energy and just feel lifeless. I am bored yet I just don’t have the energy to do anything. I can’t focus on anything but that doesn’t matter in a sense because there is nothing interesting for me to do. I just feel like a ball of empty space floating around. I wake up with dread in the morning, because I know I will have to get through yet another day with doing nothing, I panic how I will pass the time and have turned to alcohol to dampen it down. I feel like to an outsider I must appear lazy, I am being lazy, but I just don’t want to do anything, I’m tired and dead inside. I want to hide away, or better still hibernate. Obviously there are other thoughts/feelings going on but the main thing is that i am just tired and can't get myself 'going'

Anyone want to share?

[babii.blu.eyes.]

hey hun.
everything you say sounds like depression to me.
to me depression isnt always about crying and expressing it.
sometimes it manifests itself as all the things you are describing it as.
but in my opinion thats when it becomes 'clinical depression' and not just a low or depressed mood that in some cases can be passed off as 'chronic sadness'..
i personally have a lot of the same experiences as you are describing and have at times turned heavily to relying on alcohol.
something i have been reminded of though is that alcohol is actually a depressant.
so although you might think it is 'dampening' how you are feeling..chances are its actually increasing the depression and feelings of hopeless or helplessness.

anyhow.
those are just my thoughts.
xxox.

[mikey]

I agree, what you are describing sounds like depression to me too.
Me, I just feel utterly exhausted in every way. I have no motivation to do anything (including eat, shower, get out of bed etc). I lie in bed all day, either sleeping or staring at the ceiling. I feel constantly on the verge of tears. I don't want to see or speak to anybody about anything, and because of this I am irritable and short-tempered with others. I think of suicide a lot. I, too, dread the start of a new day.

[Sigma]

Yes, my depression doesn't involve much crying - I feel too apathetic and hopeless to cry.

[ICPfandom]

My depression makes me feel withdrawn. It makes me want to feel sad for no reason. I often describe it as a physical heaviness in my stomach or chest. I am hypervigilant, and feel very guilty for no reason whatsoever, and often before the act is even brought out. For example-I was told If I ever needed help, just to call. I feel sad all the time. I told them that I feel guilty when I ask for help. Like im taking up their time, even though they asked. I feel guilty over so many things. My head is revolving around very depressing things, and I assume a lot. It's a bit like....I try to mind read, and I strain all the good things out of a situation so Its just a big ball of bad. Lol Sorry thats the only way I could describe it. Feelings of loss, rejection, and wanting to hurt myself. Thinking i deserve pain are how I describe it.

[MissAnonymous]

I think the main point I want to make is that you don't have to cry at all to be depressed. I know that when I have been depressed I cry a lot, or I don't cry at all. I become 'flat' everything looks monotone and I am sort of trapped in a cold body just breathing, and doing little else.

You sound depressed and not crying doesn't mean you cant be depressed, not in the least.

**cuddles**

[needle girl]

I often felt empty- no or little feelings. Or if not that, then just...very...how do i describe it? Sometimes I'd just curl up on my bed as the depression consumed me, no motivation to do anything, just felt really really down. Hard to focus on anything, lost interest in most things, very little excited me or made me happy. Went through the motions. Often tired. Also felt guilt over things. But rarely cried.

Everything you listed are signs of clinical depression.

[red_ry]

Depression feels like being trapped. Everything I touch turns to ****. I've screwed everything up, and I have no allies. I feel hopeless and simply don't want to face the world, but just doing nothing only makes me feel like an even bigger screw up.

[Soviette]

I don't think crying is the biggest attribute of depression, well not in my experience anyway. I find the most horrid feeling of depression is the hopelessness, the emptiness and the fatigue of it all. I just can't directly cry at the situations that I feel are causing me to get depressed, yet a simple argument or scolding over something completely unrelated, usually small, will make me burst into tears. Like in Year 10 when I made a minor mistake during Work Experience, I burst into tears and felt like all of a sudden, life wasn't worth living. lol.

I guess another attribute of depression, in my case anyway, is that I often get consumed by envy of others; including my own friends, who I'm meant to be supportive of and happy for, when they do well for themselves when I'm in a sh|t place. For example, if they embark on a new relationship or do well in any other area of life, I almost feel as if I resent them.

[sherlock holmes]

This is my experience of depression, but I was never formally diagnosed with it, so.

The biggest part was the utter hopelessness I felt. There was no point to my life, nothing good was ever going to happen and I felt I would be better off dead. I felt suicidal much of the time and experienced a lot of suicidal ideation, accompanied by this feeling of terror that crept into my body and refused to leave.

I slept a lot. I couldnt deal with being awake and it was easier to be asleep. When I wasn't asleep, I was eating.

I isolated myself because even being in the same room as someone else required a herculean effort. I couldnt pretend I was okay, I couldnt put my mask on. The thought of having to be sociable made me want to cry forever, and at my worst when my mum told me I had to go to school I screamed. Actually screamed. And fell to the floor.

I felt guilty. Everything was my fault. I was scum, I was lower than nothing, everyone hated me and I was a burden on my family.

And, like Threxy said, I dont think I cried much. I was too exhausted for that. It built up and built up and I'd explode into a hysterical, screaming, crying heap on the floor with my parents just not knowing what to do. This happened three times only.

And just, this all consuming agitation, confusion, skin crawling, hurricane in my mind. I can't describe it.

I dont remember a huge deal from that time. But my parents would tell you that I wasn't there. My eyes were empty and I was gone.

So many people tell me now that I look like a completely different person, that my eyes have life in them again, that I hold myself differently and so on.

The main difference I have noticed now is that my future and life have meaning again. I still experience brief periods of depression but nothing like what it was.

[xlaurenx]

Mines alot like everyone elses . Utter hopelessness,alot of suicidal thoughts. I would just want to be in my room all the time. I remember i would be going to sleep as the sun was rising so.. 4am half 4 and my mum would be shouting at me to get up and get dressed as i would miss college, which i didn't care about then. There was a few times i was so tired and so fed up i would just sit on my bed and cry as i had had enough of it. I would spend night after night on my roof if i was warm enough or just looking at the moon from my window thinking how great it would be to be up in the sky. The tinest thing would generally set me off into suicidal thinking. I would also wake up at say 9 am and just look up. I got angry as i wouldn't get out of bed but i had no motivation so my mum would come in from work and i would have moved from my bed to the sofa still in my PJs and then when i got told to get dressed just spend the night in my room. It was too much effort to shower and too much effort to do assignments. I remember the week after i came out of hospital for the od i had a tutorial and had 15 assignments to do. My tutor said he was ' extremely concerned' but i didn't care the way i saw it i wouldn't see my 18th birthday.

It got to the stage were the one time i was happy a mate, craig said' you okay lauren your not normally this happy' . If i remember rightly i used to have something stupid like depressed for 7 months then come out of it for a few days then back in depressed state for so many months. My CPN thought that maybe the depressed state could be becoming the normal for me

So , not nice. Its an extremely dark place to be, for me anyway.

[not_so_insig]

I feel so low when things go bad. One of the main things that I know my depression is getting worse is that I want to hide. Never leave the flat, just sit there. If things get worse, I know I will lie there for hours, not doing much, staring into space (the only time I will leave is to go to the loo). Even if I had the noise of the telly on I wouldnt be watching it - it would be just noise to distract the voices. I couldnt even tell you what was on, and what the programme was about.

Other than that, I will feel so low. That life is worthless, and depending on my state I may try suicide. Even if I dont, I would be disappointed that I woke up. I will sleep more usually or even less.

I will probably drink more, which will not exactly help. Same with my SI.

I dont agree with crying more being an indicator of depression - I have never done it. In fact I find it really hard to cry.

[Katiee]

That is exactly how I feel.
Depression to me is an empty, dead, miserable feeling which lingers around you. Such a horrible feeling.
However, I think depression can be slightly different for everyone.