I haven't been on this site in a couple years, I joined when I was in high school, when I was cutting in secret just as a release from the world for awhile. Since then I've done a lot of not-so-safe, not-so-intelligent things, including but not limited to substance abuse, anorexia, and suicidal tendencies. I then joined again.... and after a couple years I have good news. Now I'm not in anyway saying that it was easy, but I'm glad to report that there is some sort of light at the end of the tunnel for people who deal with these things. My greatest issue in my life was my influence of my family, my parents mainly. Once I graduated and got out of that situation things got better, unfortunately I used my new found freedom to find a roommate who used me and took my cash telling me she was paying rent when she didn't and I ended up dealing with a long list of issues with that, then I made a stupid decision to get with a controlling boyfriend. He's the one who started my eating disorder, by point blank telling me how I wasn't allowed to eat, then I got so mind washed that I thought I was fat. It was weird, because even looking back at it, I felt like I was. It took one of my friends to tell me I looked sickly, and my sister-in-law commenting on it, and my sister forcing my boyfriend after the one boyfriend to make me eat. Then of course the whole having to buy new clothes every month thing... everything somewhat clicked in my head at some point. But I still deal with issues from that, I have to track my every meal and be told that I have to meet 1220 calories a day. And for anyone who is dealing with the issue, get help early into it, now that it's been a few years my metabolism is all haywire.... I've actually been gaining weight by not eating more than I do if I do eat, I have no idea how it works, but it's been that way.
Anyways I've been "recovered" I guess from cutting since 7/2007. I've been long since dealing with the scars, especially one in particular I had on my ankle from when my dad shot my dog that had a message in it... so it kinda bothered me to have it just because it was kinda an obvious scar, which I never let anyone pay too much attention to for long by wearing long pants and socks. Finally after about 5 years of having it, it has gotten to the point where you can't see it anymore unless you're looking for it. It makes me feel like I've actually recovered from it to not have that anymore. My boyfriend hasn't ever noticed it in the 3 years since we've been together, he really doesn't know about that part of my life. Which could be a good thing or a bad thing, it makes me feel like a "normal" person to not have him know everything though. I've kind of blocked my past out and moved on from it. I just want to let anyone know who's dealing with the same issues I've had, to just get away from the stressor in your life and your life will get better. I know it sounds easier than it is, but really it does become easier as time passes on. Don't get me wrong, I still get upset over memories of my parents abusive tendencies, and being hurt and abused by other people. But, the nice thing about it is, I've got new friends, I've got a new family who accepts me more than my own family ever did, and I generally don't have to be told how stupid I am or how ugly I am anymore. If I am, I can just move along from it. I've went from being the "stupid kid who will ever do anything because you dropped out of college and ruined your own life" that my parents used to call me... to being someone who has a great job, doesn't really worry about money anymore (I by no means am rich, I am just able to live a life without worrying about how I'm going to get rent by the end of the month) And having my parents want me to be a part of their lives. I've not gotten to that supposed stage where I'm going to accept them for being the people they are... I never will, they've done horrible things and they will suffer for it just by not having someone to hurt anymore. But beyond that.... I wish everyone can find the strength to recover, find friends, find out that life does have somethings worth living for.
.gif "sohappy")
.gif "bath")
