Hello. I'm currently almost two months free of cutting. This is because, in January, I was hospitalized overnight in a psych wing, and the only way they would let me come home the next day was if I promised to turn over all my weapons and sign a safety contract.
I find myself wondering a few things about self-harm in general.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : frank talk of self-harm
In analyzing my motivation, I find I get very little from cutting. I never feel better after, or get a "high" feeling during. I want blood, and am vindicated by it, but the point is the scarring. I hide these from others, because they are elaborate and obvious, so I do not want to display them. They are not finished yet.
For this same reason, I worry I will be unable to keep my contract. I may lapse, because every time I look at the scars I see unfinished work. Besides, I still have positive associations. I don’t say this to glamorize, or be "pro." I need advice, and reassurance, as much as I am embarrassed to ask for it.
Complicating this, I have dermatillomania. I cannot quit. Have tried every solution known to the internet, and the best I can do is temporary hiatus. Does this break the contract? Is it self-harm? If it is, that is going to make not cutting so hard. If I broke the contract and can't keep it, then what?
I can't answer whether it breaks the contract or not... I'm not sure. I want to say no, but a part of me thinks that maybe it does? I guess, really, it's YOU who has to decide whether or not it breaks the contract.
The way you described your 'relationship' with SI is very similar to how I feel. I found watching the scars fade was the hardest part of being SI-Free. I made it 11 months before relapsing, and that's never a good feeling.
Maybe you could write a list of all the reasons why you've stopped? Not just because of a contract, but for personal reasons. Big or small, it should go on the list. And then whenever you feel those thoughts and feelings creeping up, wondering if you can do it, if you're strong enough, if it's worth it etc. you can read over the list as many times as you need to until you are reminded that you CAN do it because you have a lot of good reasons to!
dermatillomania (and trich as well) are confusing when it comes to whether they count in self harm contracts or days free..... personally i say that it counts if i'm aware of it, and doesn't if im not. but thats something you have to work out for yourself.
maybe you could try using henna, might be a bit expensive to get, i don't really know. but its a paste that you put on, and can make really intricate designs with if you have practice, and then you let it dry, and when it comes off it leaves a stain behind on your skin that can stay for up to a few weeks if you take care of it properly.....
can you call them back and ask for some help, outpatient treatment of some sort. say that you really want to keep the contract but need some support to be able to do that.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Thank you both for answering. Idle, I am confused and guilty about whether it counts. My conscience is guilty. But my inner self is also secretive, perfectionist, and extremely vigilant. I don't know why I'm free. It was a decision that I cannot explain. I say it is for my family, but they don't care. They care if I'm available to talk or help them, and other than that they only get vexed if I make too much noise. I work hard to have a place and feel like they like me, so making noise is insupportable. I don't trust my guilt.
Katie, I see a therapist once a week. Her response is to try to help me work my way to the bottom of my gender confusion and identity problems that cause me to feel an outsider, and think it makes no difference what I do. It makes sense to me to solve the cause. Logical.
I have tattoos on the other arm. A full sleeve eventually. The scars are to be Charybdis, to the other arm's Scylla. Beautiful and ugly, but both monstrous. Henna is a good idea. Perhaps it could work. Thank you for the suggestion.
