My darkness my pain triggering

[a_soul_that_never_was]

It is really hard to say what you need in this support group when you really need to. I am probably going to break rules but I have to get this out and if it means getting kicked out so be it. I am not trying to trigger anyone nor make this look cool and pretty. My parents started molesting me at a very young age and it went on for a very long time. i was beaten, starved, mentally abused, never allowed to look up or anyone in the eyes, i was not to speak causing my voice to still be very low today. Two months ago my life turned into a worse hell than ever before. My soul felt like it was being ripped apart and my heart felt like it was torn to pieces with pain. It wouldn't go away and it was so bad I barely could breathe. I cried silently not knowing why. I tried reaching out for help. I called the crisis line but that didn't help. i tried the er but they stitch me up give me something to relax and sleep and send me home. i tried to get my therapist for three days and was told i was on the urgent call back list. i called the head head er dr and he wanted to admit me but my therapist said no. I finally got to see her and I tried talking but she wanted to focus on adding meds increasing doses. I had taken pictures or how bad my harming had gotten and showed them to her along with my drop cloth and clean up gauze. Everything was soaked. Her reply is when we get your meds stable we got some really hard work today. Twice since then I have gone too far and had to get stitches. My normal wasnt deep enough anymore. I had and have to get rid of the pain. i want my heart and soul back. Today I took my tools and carved mama's whore on one arm and daddys slut on the other. I finally figured out what it was doing this to me. Ive been having new flashbacks small at first but more at a time now. I have new nightmares and wake up beating myself like im trying to beat someone else but I'm the one who bruises right away. My legs are covered. My sleep meds dont work because i fight them. im scared to go to sleep. Yet being awake hurts so much. I am not suicidal and i cant just find another therapist. i am on disability and i have state medicaid. I have to go to the drs they pay for and this is the best of the best on their list. South carolina also has a policy if your not suicidal or a threat to someone else your not hospital material. Never mind I am a threat to myself. I know I am I have told everyone I've contacted I am and Im scared of myself. There will be those who will complain or report me for this post and that is your right. I am desperate and in need of telling about my life right now. Im sorry its not clean and pretty. my life isn't. I am just a desperate person just wanting to be helped but coming in here to be heard.

[BridgesAndBalloons]

I read your post and I'm so sorry to hear everything that you've been through and the amount of pain you're in now. You should never have been treated the way you were, no one deserves that.

Have you looked at the Abuse and Bullying board? I find that area to be quite helpful, and it makes me feel less alone. Unfortunatly there are lots of abuse survivors around, it's nice to have each other for support but unfortunate that we are abuse survivors in the first place.

Do you have anyone in your life who knows what you are going through? A partner/friends/other family members who would be able to offer support?

I think a lot of aspects of our lives are rarely clean or pretty. Sometimes the truth of the situation can be harsh, but personally I'd rather have the ugly truth than a pretty lie.

I can relate to wanting to talk about your life. Have you tried using the journal on here? It might help. I keep a paper journal too and I find that really useful when I want to talk about things I've been through.

You've been brave to talk so openly about this I'm glad you have that strength. You've endured so much but you're still here, after everything, I know you might not feel very strong but you are.

[ProzacSmile]

I don't have many words right now i just wanted to say i think u are so brave to have gone through all that and still be here to talk about it. U have definately been through so much and i cried when i read your post. just to say really ur an amazing person and i totally support your right to get it off your chest and the fact that you feel you can do that is amazing xxxxxxx

[a_soul_that_never_was]

Thank you both for your words and suggestions. Im sorry I made you cry. I journal a lot. As a matter of fact I have 8 of them going. Poetry is another outlet for me. I love music and it soothes me. I call the crisis line when Im having a hard time. I just want to scream at them when they say i understand. Well, sorry but no you don't. I have a gf but it wasn't until yesterday after I scared the life out of her she truly figured out how bad it is. Shes going to therapy with me this time long enough to get it through to the therapist whats going on has to be talked about now. Thank you for thinking I am brave for telling my story. Im afraid to say it's just easier to say it on here. In all of my years of therapy I have only opened up enough to tell about two incidents. I feel so dirty, guilty, and ashamed. I am a member of a lot of support groups and its not only just about me telling my story its about saving another child as well. I actually met someone in one of my groups last night that has been thru alot like me but according to her not near as severe. She asked to be added to my friends list. Maybe by talking to each other we can help each other. It is so easy to say put the past in the past. I thought I had done that but I was wrong. Now with the new flashbacks and nightmares I just feel like wasnt what i had enough youve got to add more. I dont care if my therapist says my brain thinks i can take it. i cant. when my soul and heart feel that way and I can barely breathe tell that to my soul.

[BridgesAndBalloons]

It sounds like you've developed a few different ways to cope, with the journals and the poetry, it wonderful that you've managed to find ways to try to cope.

I think sometimes emotional pain is so different to physical pain. Physical pain does seem to get better with time whereas emotional pain doesn't always. For example if you break your arm then three years later remember breaking your arm your arm won't still hurt just because you remembered it. Whereas emotional pain can come back when you remember what hurt you, and feel like everything is raw and fresh and new, like no time has passed at all. I hope that made sense as sometimes I can ramble!

I think sometimes I feel I can't take things, and everything just seems to hard. But I keep waking up every morning and going to bed every evening and somehow manage to keep on, even though sometimes it's like your living minute to minute.

It's really good of you to want to help others, hopefully by sharing your story you are helping others, even if it's just someone reading what you've been through and feeling less alone if they're going through something similar.