hey,
ive never posted in here before and am not sure if im guna give to much detail.... just tell me if i am-
Has anybody else experienced that self harm has become something they NEED to do because of a belief rather than because of the release?
I wil explain what I mean- after an experience when I was a few years younger, I have constantly felt dirty. I started to wash in bleach to feel clean, now I find if I havnt bleached then I start to panic that I am guna be dirty ( evne if im not having a bad day, just if I dont do it then things are guna get bad) I am now bleaching more because of the compulsion than just doing it when im down.
Am I alone? x
' Your always going to have the hurt, you may as well use it'
'Writing can be a way of righting any wrongs that have been done to you'
'Scars tell a story of where u have been, but they dont have to dictate where u are going'
no, i to not think that you are alone in this. i too tend to feel very dirty because of a past experience and i tend to do the same thing. no matter how many times i do it, i still feel dirty. i feel as though i have to do it over and over again. soon enough i will have to feel somewhat clean again, at least that is my thinking. so yeah that part of my self harm is a compulsion. i feel like i HAVE to do it, i need to do it.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. ~ Girl Interrupted
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery because it means I have to let go...
thank u for responding,
u bleach?? really?? omg ive never found anybody who does, I thought I was a complete nutter and completely stupid, im nt happy u do it, but its a masive relief to know im not a complete freak x
' Your always going to have the hurt, you may as well use it'
'Writing can be a way of righting any wrongs that have been done to you'
'Scars tell a story of where u have been, but they dont have to dictate where u are going'
yes. i too bleach...i have not found anybody else who does that either. i felt so alone in that. i am glad you shared. it is something that no one else really knows, not even my therapist. i have felt such shame about that ritual. i guess it is time that someone knew though, even though we are miles apart. i am glad i responded...
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. ~ Girl Interrupted
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery because it means I have to let go...
yeah its a big relief i dont even remember what caused me to think to do it, I just know I cant handle days without it, Im always scared if I havnt done it people will be able to physically see im dirty, and if I dont do it, anybody I touch, my partner, my godkids, friends will somehow catch the dirt of me,
My therapist does know shes really understanding about it, we have a disagreement that im dirty, she says the reason I never feel clean is coz u cant clean something that isnt there, but i just think when ive bleached enough to get away my dirt I will feel clean and no its time to stop, until then I have to do this x
' Your always going to have the hurt, you may as well use it'
'Writing can be a way of righting any wrongs that have been done to you'
'Scars tell a story of where u have been, but they dont have to dictate where u are going'
i do not really know what caused me to start either. but once i started i have not been able to stop. it is hard, so hard to feel so dirty all of the time. i think that you have a point when you said that you cannot clean what is not there. but i have to clean...
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. ~ Girl Interrupted
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery because it means I have to let go...
My last psychiatrist told me that one reason in why I self harm is because it feels like a compulsion, it can even be part of OCD for some of us, it's very possible for many of us to feel it's a compulsion for whatever reason, you're not alone.
x
As for germs, we need a certain number of germs in our system to build up
immunity against them. I refuse to use sanitizer unless I go into a hospital to protect those with low immunity. Because I expose myself to germs all the time, I've built up a resistance to them and rarely get sick.
I wash my hands after I go to the washroom and before I make a meal, but that's about it.
Yes I know what makes me feel dirty, its abuse from a few years ago, My CPN suggested that it could be becoming more of a OCD tendancy but I just cant stop, i panic if i dont, and the relief when I do, makes me safer and all the those around me,
I really want to stop but I cant,
Thanks for the replies x
' Your always going to have the hurt, you may as well use it'
'Writing can be a way of righting any wrongs that have been done to you'
'Scars tell a story of where u have been, but they dont have to dictate where u are going'
