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what a day...
This may trigger..
Sorry for posting again, just struggling quite a bit.
its been such a hard day. woke up after dreams of me shooting people. felt anxious/stomach in knots, as i knew today i had the opportunity to do something. after battling with thoughts, i self harmed. havent cut in 6months, so back to square one. it felt such a release, it felt good, but i feel quite ashamed. my CPN was off, but i text my friend, and asked to meet up with her today, she didnt reply, so i thought great, i need to talk to someone/do something. so i text a christian friend, who couldnt ring me for an hour, i just felt so alone. i didnt want to tell anyone that was likely to call my parents/the police, so i tried to hang on.i wrote a letter to my mum for when she got back to say id gone for a walk to the park to study. i did manage to stay in the park for a little while, battling with the thoughts, trying to hold back the tears. but i couldnt do it, i walked into town, with everyone staring at me, they could see straight in my mind. i went quite near where the multi-storey car park was. only had a few more storeys above me, and i wouldve been there. but i rang my friend, and she calmed me down, and helped me think of a plan. after all that, i walked home. its been so hard, wrestling with the suicidal thoughts. i was seeing security guards around, and thought they know what im going to do, i wonder if they will be the ones to find me. i felt really quite paranoid, scared, alone. i rang my team and asked them to tell my CPN to ring me tomorrow, i know she will. but she won't come to see me, i only have 3 weeks left, theyre not really that fussed about me anymore. but i said to my friend i would try and be honest about how i feel. i just feel so ugh, i was so close to it. i walked about 2miles to get there, and had thoughts all day, it was so difficult, especially when i had to walk through town where it was rather busy.
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