Yesterday, Last Night triggering

[a_soul_that_never_was]

As i've explained before my therpist right now is only dealing with meds and everytime i try to tell her i need to talk she just says well deal with the hard stuff when I get your meds right. I woke up yesterday feeling so sad and heartbroken. I knew what that meant for me. It was only going to get worse and what I would end up doing. Dont get me wrong I tried my best to fight it by keeping myself distracted but I never really was. You cant just ignore the pain. My soul and heart was being ripped to shreds with pain again so I came in my private room and harmed. Ive said before it keeps getting deeper and deeper. By the time night came I couldn't take it anymore and i was back in my room again. This time i really did it. I went to deep and couldnt get it to stop so I applied pressure and tied it real tight. I went and told my gf who of course said stitches but I refused. My gf and i have been together 8 years. She knew from the time we met who I am what I do and all my problems but no she doesn't understand. I've bought her book after book. ive printed out internet pages. ive even read the books to her. she thinks its an attempt at suicide when it has nothing to do with that whatsoever. Anyways I got the too far problem under control and it did make me feel so much better. I know though that I am a danger to myself but ever resource out there says no hospital for cutters. My nightmares (part of whats brought on this increasing need to go further) finally became clear and I remembered them. So much more to face. I thought all the abuse I knew about before was too much but now Im having to deal with the unthinkable. The flashbacks are new but getting stronger. Some may say its just a bad dream I wish it was. My flashbacks only gives proof my nightmares are real. They take me back to a place where its happening all over again. I am forced to stand there until the movie plays out. Ive used all the therapist tools to fight the flashbacks off. They dont work so i relive them daily and now I have new ones. My therapist says my brain is only releasing as much as it thinks i can handle at a time. really pisses me off cuz i cant handle any of it. i torture myself to get away from it. i must have one dumb brain. I woke up feeling that way again and im scared. i know what im going to do and i keep it such a secret nobody that does know i do it knows when im doing it. im scared because i went to far and i know i will again but this time will be the last time. i dont want to do this but i do. i cant take the emotional pain its too much. my mind screams and i just got to do something.

[PassedExpectations]

is your therapist a therapist, or a psychiatrist, or both? cause only medical doctors can prescribe meds, and most of the psychiatrists i've met tend to focus on them a ton more than on ways of coping with your thoughts and working through them. it sounds like what you'd like is more what a psychologist would do.....

[a_soul_that_never_was]

she is a psychiatrist. She also deals with her boss over me because I have so many problems and I am a high risk case. I see her wednesday and i took more pictures. this time was even worse. i should have gone to the hospital but i didnt want anyone to know. its bad enough my gf had to borrow the money for bandages because i had bled through and didnt have anymore. Now he knows. We do what we do but there is a shame in it too. I need help. Ive begged for the hospital. i want help. what do you do when every door is closed and even trying to open your own dont work? Today is just as bad. I was left alone and I was picking my spots for later. The emotions are building and my mind is becoming a battlefield. Night time for some reason makes everything reach its peak and thats when i do what i do. My gf doesn't even know how much of my tools i bought and hid in the house. She rarely goes in the store with me and I always make sure i grab that bag. I never plan to harm but I know when i'm going to and tonight is another one of those nights. I use to see a therapist who saw me twice a week because of how bad I am but she moved an nobody else in her office was equipped for me. thats how i moved and got with this one. Shes with the institute of psychiatry which is part of MUSC in charleston. Big time medical community. I'm afraid i cant get any better than im getting. I dont want to trigger anyone. I am hurting so much. i can barely breathe. theres never a break from the monsters demons and storm. I want my soul to be left alone. I want my heart to stop breaking into pieces

[PassedExpectations]

if you're in a big medical community there is sure to be a therapist or psychologist somewhere. it can never hurt to ask around. even if it might take a while to get an appt, you could get on a waiting list.... i know thats not ideal, but its part of the process unfortunately.

[a_soul_that_never_was]

I thank you for being so helpful with your suggestions. I have a lot of mental conditions and one of them is very hard to get a therapist to treat. I am also on disability considered nonfunctional (which is true). With my disability check comes state medicaid and you dont have a whole lot of say where or who you can see. You can appeal but I did last year and it was just resolved not in my favor last month. Where I am going is actually considered the best of the best. What gets me is the hospital for mental illness is just two floors down. The town i live in is worse. You can either go to mental health in which the prescribing dr refuses to write for my meds because shes not comfortable with someone like me. Then theres a tiny little office with one dr and what she calls herself as a therapist. I talk she nods thats it. The dr there also refuses to write for my meds for the same reason. While trying to find a therapist I had to get my meds from my family dr and he was scared so he wouldnt write for them all on the basis he swore to do no harm. Well if i go crazy and hurt people dont worry you did no harm. not like i would hurt people just myself. I am stuck where I am. If I lie and say im suicidal to get in theyll be treating that problem not the real one so no point. i know i need to be there but this stupid state says i dont meet the criteria. Either suicidal or danger to other people. I just got thru harming and yeah it was worse. I think the blood loss is causing problems. I get real cold afterwards and a horrible headache. Im anemic already. Im beyond frustrated. I want someone to listen to me and help me. Ill do the work just help me. I need guidance I cant do this alone. Will it take my death to get attention? No im not talking about suicide. Im talking about accidentally going to far again but this time not being able to control it.