Sorry

[roiben]

I am really struggling at the moment, and have been for a while.

I do not want to type it all out here - It is too long, complicated and pointless to be worth reading. I guess I could do with some support/hugs/encouragement.

Roiben

[mikey]

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling.
It's difficult to offer any sort of advice if I don't know what's going on, but you can certainly have a *hug* and my thoughts.

[Porcelain Child]

Its a safe place to talk.. Its hard to give any advice if we don't know what the problem is your having.. I am sorry you are struggling.. Have you got any professional support.. Here if you wanna talk.. *hugs*

[sajhfuahuefghaeg]

Here if you need anything. I wont judge you.

*leaves snuggles*.

[roiben]

Thank you for your kind words and hugs.

My depression has been very bad lately and I am feeling physically and mentally exhausted. I have run out of fight with it and am struggling to not give in to the urges to OD.

Roiben x

[sajhfuahuefghaeg]

OD'ing wont help in the long term. Short term it might make you feel slightly better, but you'll still feel as bad afterwards.

Can you see your gp/psych?

[Pi.R^2]

*hugs*
I'm so sorry you're not doing too well roiben. You've posted some awesome advice for others on here (I'm always so impressed with everything you write!), and i hope we can offer some similar help back to you.

Would you like to talk more about what's going on for you? What's your situation with health professionals at the moment- meds, counselling?

I just wanted to drop by and say that you seem like a really lovely person, and I hope that you feel better soon. Feel free to pm me, anytime :)

[Just A Dream]

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch, Roiben. *hugs*

PM me anytime about anything. I will respond :)

[roiben]

I am on Venlafaxine and Mirtazapine, plus zopiclone for sleep ...

I am not sure if the Mirtazapine is making me worse, or if this wouldve been how low I hit regardless. I always dip around hallmarks like my birthday (last monday).

For professionals - My GP surgery are barely worth the ground the are sat on.

I see a Psych once every six months, last time was January, when they added the Mirtazapine to the Venlafaxine as a way of "upping the dose", said they could not guarantee I would see the same person next time due to budget cuts in out-patients consultants and that if I needed to see a consistent person I would need to try talk therapy - Which doesnt work for me...as the whole reason I need a consistent person is that my social anxiety makes me shite at talking and I do not like having to go through my entire history with a new person each time. That, in itself, is aside from the fact that I have nothing to talk about and I really do not appreciate therapist and counsellors somehow trying to insinuate that my parents may not have cared for me enough... because they cant find anything else and have to put a blame somewhere. There is no blame. There is no fault. My parents, honestly, could not have done more.

I think I have gone around the same circles too many times now. I have had enough of it. I am out of fight, I am out of energy and am really struggling to keep going.

In some ways, if I thought there was a chance in hell it would help any, I would take myself to the hospital and ask for admission... it wont help though. There is no help and, I think amidst the fog and cavenous existence that I am stuck in right now.. I am starting to accept that.

Roiben

[Sleepless123]

Roiben no sweetheart please dont give up this fight.You are such a valuable, sweet, kind and caring person and you are worth so much more than this.We need you here.

I hate the way they are treating you and i wish they were actually listening.And i understand what you mean about constantly changing psychiatrists.i dont deal with it at all well when it has happened to me previously.i know also that people are in a difficult position with current cuts but this does not mean they shouldnt provide continuity of care.i also know that permanent staff do sometimes leave too but surely there is a doctor currently within the Department who is not a locum and is iinstead on a permanent contract, not going to change every five minutes?You would think that since youve explained your difficulties they might put you under at least someone a little more permanent and i think thats the least you are entitled to.

i also they are failing you by not monitoring you more frequently more often than once every six months.Do they know how strong the OD urges and your feelings about giving up are right now?If they do i think they are being very neglectful and need to be challenged about his in some way.

i wonder if writing formally to the team explaining again your difficulties with the changing psychiatrists/how strong your urges are right now/your current situation or getting a mental health advocate/friend/family member/someone who knows you well to write with you/on your behalf would help in any way?

Sorry probably rubbish ideas as usual but i just hear your pain and desperation and so much wish to help in some way.

i also really do think you should go to the hospital.Please at least give it a go?i know you struggle with really strong urges to OD and it is really worrying and you really shouldnt be left alone with this.If nobody else is listening you have nothing to lose since your life is at risk anyway if you do end up OD ing.i know it cant be guaranteed how your treated when your there but im just scared of you doing serious harm to yourself or worse.And surely this has to be worth trying first?

Please, please dont give up and please keep talking.You have done so much for so many of us here and i see you as a really good friend and care a lot [hope you dont mind me seeing you as a really good friend] and i really dont want to see anything bad happen to you.

i know your tired and you shouldnt have to fight for them to hear you like this but please dont give up.You have come this far and fought so hard and so long to stay alive and done so well please dont give up now.

How are you doing now?i really hope your safe.

Thinking of you lots and sending lots of love and hugs.

xx xx

[Stellata]

*sits with you*

[lynx]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, Roiben. I hope you feel better soon. I think you should see your psych again. He can't put you on meds that make you worse till July, now, can he? That's another 4 months of this crap. You don't want that.

Big hug,
Tineke

[roiben]

Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to ignore that parts of me that say I do not deserve them.

I got through last night, but the urges are still there and still just as strong. Every so often I just burst into tears for no reason.

I might see if I can write a letter to my Psych/the cmht during the week to let them know how I am doing. I don't think they can give me an earlier appointment though. I think it is wait until they have someone available and free... If it doesnt get anywhere, I will speak to my GP, but all they ever do is grumble then look at my notes and nag me about my diabetes. Last time I had to chase up the Psych side via my GP they told me to "put aside how I am feeling and focus on my diabetes" and that was it for the advice and help.... I have kind of given up on them being any use. It is impossible to care about diabetes if I do not care if I live or die - and try as I might, I cant just switch that part of me of and on like a table-lamp

I am sorry I do not have more words. I feel like my mind and body are shutting down on me. Even typing feels hard and slow and clunky - and I am a trained typist who normally hits 65 wpm easilly.

I am feeling exhausted, so am going to take a nap.

Roiben x

[~Grace~]

Oh hun...im so sorry youre struggling...writing a letter seems a good idea and hope it brings you the help you deserve....try to hang on and fight the urges...much love xx

[Pi.R^2]

I hope you feel a little bit better after your nap- I love naps :)
I'm really sorry that you're psychiatrist and GP haven't been especially helpful, but don't give up! Maybe try a different GP, or just MAKE the current ones listen. If you make it clear that you are very unsafe, very depressed and literally giving up- they have to listen, right? And they do have the power to prescribe some psych drugs, so could maybe try slightly altering stuff with the anti-depressants, or try you on something else.

Have you tried talking therapy a lot before? You won't want to hear this, but it could be worth giving it another go. I'm exactly the same, and hated counselling, but when I hit a new low, I decided to give it one last chance, and it's really helping me now. Seeing the same person every week to talk stuff through has been really helpful, and (as airy-fairy as it sounds) I have started to find out quite a lot about myself, and understood this whole depression/ self-harm thing a lot better. I made it clear from the start that I hate counselling, and that the whole 'making assumptions about my family thing' is super-irritating, and she has been careful to avoid doing so :P She still comes out with some silly psycho-babble at times, but it has literally been really good for me.

Please keep fighting, and you absolutely 100% deserve the support you get on here :)

[roiben]

Yes, I have tried numerous talking therapies. They all come back to say they are not suited to me.

I had an anxiety management course, and in the past I have had other sessions that cover more practical coping skills and they have been helpfull up to a point. They are practical and I can go away and use them (providing I catch things early enough).

I am thinking of asking for cbt or dbt, to cover the negative thinking side of things - But the person who did the anxiety management almost seemed to be warning me away from it as she said it was very intense and that I may not cope with it... so, I dont know...

I cant really change GPs, I have already changed and to be honest, the health care in this area is very poor. I would not be getting a better GP for the stress of re-registering and waiting for my records to arrive.

The only way I ever really get anywhere is by moving and I cant afford to do that right now. As soon as I can afford to move, I am up sticks and moving back to Woking... the health care there is much much better than here.

I cant move though. So I am stuck. Stuck with a poor performing PCT and cmht and GPs that really need something to light the torch up their rear end.... and, I am too tired to go through the rigmarol of trying to eek something of use out of them.

It has taken me about 2 years just to get them to review my medicines and give me the Mirtazapine. In all that time, I did as they asked, I saw the Psychotherapist, I tried art therapy, I did the anxiety management course.

I dont want to have to go round the same loop again, like a broken record with nothing to show at the end of it all. Like hitting my head against a brick wall without the pain to show for it.

It isnt worth it anymore.

Roiben x

[Pi.R^2]

*loads of huggsss*
Sorry that everything is a bit shit for you right now Roiben :(
CBT sounds like it might help you, it's worth a try- do you know ways in which you could access it?
What about any group support, have you tried that? Or maybe a charity such as Mind could offer something helpful?
Stay safe; this will pass, it just takes time.

[roiben]

Really struggling. Just had a stupid pathetic attempt at an od... didn't really get anywhere so barely worth mentioning, but it feels like I cant even do that right...

I am going to put myself to bed, but I kind of needed to post here so I couldnt brush it of as nothing tomorrow.

[Stellata]

How're things today?

[Pi.R^2]

*hugs*
Did you get a good rest?