skipped out on therapy tomorrow triggering

[a_soul_that_never_was]

This last month has been hell on earth but then again I cant remember a time it hasn't been. I have bipolar 1, borderline personality disorder, ptsd, self harmer, and anorexic. I have posted in here more times than I can count and each time I wait for anyone to respond just to know I was heard. My therapist had put me on some extra meds two weeks ago and last week we went up again. I had two days of feeling better. Now my soul is in shreds, my heart in pieces screaming in pain, my mind a battlefield with nowhere to hide. I just started having new flashbacks. Just bits and pieces like before. The memories and the flashbacks I already deal with are killing me and now this. I rarely slept even an hour and my therapist gave me a sleep med. It helped the first night and then I found myself after a couple of hours sleep bolting upright scared and not feeling right but not knowing why. This last week mainly the last three days have been nothing but pain and chaos. My soul is being ripped to shreds again, my heart in pieces crying in pain and me barely able to breath. Im going in my office and harming. Im harming a lot and at a much more dangerous level. I tried when I first started doing the harming worse to reach out to everyone for help but I kept hitting brick walls. My great state doesnt admit you for harming. They just stitch you up or amputate and send you home to see your therapist as soon as possible. Where does that leave me. Im not even waiting for my wounds to heal anymore. I just harm right over them. When I do sleep now I wake up and I am hitting myself so hard I already have huge bruises on my legs. I know it must be someone in my dreams I am fighting but I have no memory. I was suppose to go to therapy at 10 am this morning. I canceled. I know I should have went but sometimes I have to regroup. The confusion and the pain and the harming would only confuse her and its not like she will put me in the hospital which i feel i need to be. i would have to lie and say im planning suicide. i cant do that because im not and dont even think about it. They would be working on the wrong problem. Work on my demons monsters and nightmares. Help me I plead and beg. If there is a God in heaven please help me. Tell me whats wrong with me and ill fix it. Tell me why I am bad and i will make myself good. Please take away my pain if only for a bit and i will never ask for anything more. Find me a dr out there with a miracle cure to save me because i cant save myself alone. I am a harmer and I am not safe right now and most likely not tomorrow either. I am not proud of it. Its my only time i get just a small bit of relief. You would be suprised what that means to a harmer. theres no pill out there to fix us. All coping skills have failed with me. Am i alone?

[castaway]

Gosh that sounds like such a horrible place to be in
Skipping theopy because you're don't want to confuse your theipst, dosn't sound too good, Do you feel they are the right theripist for you? Maybe you could ask for a transfer? I'm sorry I don't have any great advice, But I just want to say, I read and I'm going to say a prayer for you (If thats ok with you, tell me if not)
*hugs* hope things get better for you soon, and remember you're never alone

[brita911]

skipping therapy might not be the best thing for you to do. they are there to try and help you.
if you ever wanna talk about anything u can send me a private message on here and i will respond asap.
keep holding on.
you are an amazing person and you can get through this.
you dont have to go through this alone

[a_soul_that_never_was]

I did end up skipping therapy but I left her a voicemail this moringing explaining why and another appt was scheduled. Things are worse this morning. The first thing I did when I woke from my one hour sleep was to come into my office (my safety zone, my harming room). Oh how I've been fighting. I pull my stuff out of the drawer put it back and out again. I turned on my music which use to comfort me but it didn't help. I've been pacing the floors all day. I don't know how much longer I can go without relief. My soul hurts my heart is crying my mind screaming for help that never comes. I never lie and I know before this day is over what I will do. Not only has it gotten to a dangerous level but I am having to do it more and more. Afterwards I start freezing real bad. Im anemic as it is and i guess the ___ loss isn't good. I have nobody. Three children who wont even return my phone calls unless i buy them something or they want something. A gf who is rarely home because she is at her moms and brothers. Ive begged dont leave me along I need you. She knows my desperation and still goes. My mom was my abuser in more forms known to man. My dad my other abuser dead years ago. My siblings wont have anything to do with me because I remind them of what happened to me and how they were spared. So what choice do I have but to go through this alone? Yeah I have a therapy appt once a week but right now shes trying to get my meds right and says well start on the hard stuff after. Will I go to far before then? Can she take it away? Pump me full of meds talk about it but im living it. I am in pain and only one thing takes that away. For awhile I can breath and my monsters are gone. I've been in therapy 8 years and I am no better. I switched therapist and I really like the one I have now but how do I even begin to start talking about what happened to me. I feel so dirty like i deserved it because i wasnt a good girl. My parents told me i was an abortion. Wh couldn't they have spared me and went thru with it? Why out of four children was I the chosen one? The answers will never come but my soul mind and heart screaming in pain need them. How do I move on with no answers? How do I get thru the day not harming when every second my demons are right there beside me in me never stopping? I have to harm. I am broken and nobody can put the pieces of me together again. I dont deserve it? Why can't I believe that? stay safe everyone and thank you for reading

[castaway]

I'm glad to hear you reshedualed your appointment. It can be so difficult to talk about the past, but it may really help you in the long run. Maybe you could write it down and show your theripist that way, or maybe you could try talking about the stuff that is lest difficult first, you don't have to tell everything all at once. Nobody deserves to be abused. It's not your fault and dosn't make you a bad person. It may take a lot of time and work to fully beleive that, but keep at it and eventually you will. You deserve to get better, and you can. I'm sorry to hear your family arn't very supportive of you, but that dosn't mean you have to go though this alone. Maybe you could join a suppot group, and of course, you always have us here at RYL

[a_soul_that_never_was]

Thanks. I know I have to keep up my therapy but I would have only ended up getting angry with my therapist. Right now she believes a major part of my problem is my meds so she is increasing them and adding more. Our last two visits have been about nothing but med. I've been trying to tell her about the new flashbacks and waking up hitting myself till I have horrible bruises on myself but shes so focused on the meds she doesnt hear me. Unfortunately one of the meds to increase is a slow process. When I first started seeing her I was bad but nothing like this. I got to talk about whatever but I could only go so far about my parents. I suppose its time to use my backbone and make my therapist listen to me. I live in a very very small town. There isnt not even one place to go for support. I can drive to charleston and go back to the support group I was in but less and less people stopped showing up till it was just me. My only outlet is here and a few other support groups. There is no real life support for me and even though it helps me to come here it still doesn't take whats eating away at me away. I still harm.

[brita911]

i totally get what u are saying. maybe when you go and see ur therapist next u can say right from the start that there are certain things u wanna talk about in ur session. your therapist should be respectful of that. you deserve the right to be able to talk about what you need to in ur sessions with ur therapist. i know what its like to hit urself until u have horrible bruises i do that to myself as well and so i know that it can be hard.
you are NOT alone!!!!
i'm here for you if u ever need to talk to someone.
things might seem unbearable right now but with reaching out for help you are putting in the effort to try and get better.
at least with coming here ur not keeping everything inside and you are giving ppl a chance to give u some sort of help and responce

[a_soul_that_never_was]

thanks but i ended up shooting myself in my own foot. Now i have to wait till wednesday for therapy and again shes going to stick with the meds. I do try to talk to her but shes so busy looking up the dosage for this med and that Im not even sure she hears me. I really like her though. The first three visits I got to talk but it was about present problems. Then she messed with my meds because of depression and it backfired like a bomb. I tried crisis lines the er calling my therapist office and they marked me as urgent for her to call back and when she didnt the on call emergency head dr. I posted here and on all my self injury sites. My self harming isn't hitting myself. That is from really bad things that happened in the past and I am fighting them off. My harm involves something sharp. Thats why its such a serious thing now. I am going much deeper to get relief. Just a little while ago my gf's nephews gf came over with legal trouble. She is so high strung and upsetting it gets me crazy. I just kept saying to myself please leave. After a couple of hours she did and I had to take my clonopin. I just got thru telling my gf what she does to me and shes fussing about me cleaning a dish so I can cook dinner. Excuse me did you hear me. I have already been harming all day and I tell you I am upset do you not think you could give me the night off? Did I tell her that? nope. I turned around and walked in my office which is also my harming room. The past and the present is too much. The past far worse but I don't need what Im getting now. My gf didn't even flinch when I told her I had already been harming. She caught me the other day and the amount of blood really scared her. She got me to promise to do it in front of her for safety. This is a private thing for me. I don't want her in here. She doesnt know and she doesn't care what demons im dealing with. God would bless me if one day just one day i had piece from my demons. the past has been tearing me up and now new flashbacks new nightmares and my therapist says my mind thinks i can deal with them now. No i can't isnt what i go thru already enough. I am harming all thru out the day every day. I am not suicidal and if i hear that from my gf one more time im gonna throw a pillow at her. I dont want to die. I dont harm to die. I harm to give me relief if only for half an hour from my demons and nightmares. sure i could turn to drugs but i want a real life not a drug induced one. I've done all the coping skills there are and that is not an exaggeration. ive been in therapy many of years. im getting worse not better and its not because im not trying. i try so hard wanting to believe this will go away. when i talk to my therapist she cant take away whats been done. how do i deal with it and put it in the past. i think i do and then it hits me like a brick wall. my only times of sanity is when i harm and then i just stare out the window with such a calm peaceful feeling. I hate that i have to hurt myself to get that. i always say nobody can help me but me. Ive been trying to help me for a very long time. Maybe my parents damaged me beyond the point of repair. maybe so many years of what they did will not leave my brain. i want to get better. i hate myself. i hate this and i hate cutting but thats exactly what i am going to do now.

[brita911]

ok sorry i misunderstood u. have u tried telling ur therapist repeatedly during ur session that you need to talk about things that have happened to you instead of worrying about ur meds and the dosage of them? maybe just making sure that she actually hears you because u deserve to be heard. i totally get that cutting is a private thing. you dont want ppl watching u hurt urself. its not for them to watch. it worries me that you are going deeper and deeper to get relief. but i also understand how that feels. noone can take away what has been done but it can get easier to handle. it will take time. when it comes to ur gf does she understand why you cut urself fully? i know it can be hard for ppl who have never cut themselves before to understand why we do it and what kind of relief it gives us. i believe that there is still hope that you can get better. its gonna take time but please stay strong. maybe u could try thinking about the things in the past by saying that they happened before and they cant hurt me now and keep telling urself that. i know that this might be hard to do but maybe it would help even just a little bit. you're right what they did may never leave your mind but hopefully it'll become easier for u to deal with it than it is now. you ARE STRONG and you can overcome this. i believe in you.
your friend Brittany