Hi.
I don't know what to start this with, or what to do, everything's just.. such a mess now.
It's 1AM and I've just slept for seven hours, kinda proud of that as all I thought of when I went to bed was cutting. Mhmm.... in fact, that was all I thought about all day, the urge just wouldn't leave. And it terrifies me - I went back into cutting in October, and have been there since then. Apart from yesterday there hasn't been one day in which I didn't cut, that's... I don't know, good or bad?
'Cause all I really want to do is bleed it out. A bit ironic, actually, since my life's actually, I don't know, more sorted out now that I live by myself, but all the trauma and anxiety crap has just gotten worse.
All I want to do right now is to get into the shower and cut until my legs are covered in blood. There's a fairly big chance I'll do just that.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday and I'm considering to tell her this.
The last time I told her about my SI, she phoned my parents (mother, the worst) when I was on my way home, and hell awaited me there, so I really don't know if I should tell her. I'm a legal adult now and can decide everything for myself, but she just might overrule that and think of this as something that's somehow threatening my safety blahblahblah. And tell my contact peeps.
But I do... I need to get this pain away, I'm aware that bleeding actually doesn't help, but I need it and I don't know the purpose of this post. At all.
So if you bother to reply, I'll be surprised.
Everything you need is around you.
The only danger is inside you.
So punch another pillow, to make the pain a little less.
And run another race, to make the pace a little faster.
Use another knife, to make the cut a little deeper.
Then shed another tear, to make reality a little truer.
Wow, I feel in a very similar situation to you *hugs*
As a legal adult, I'm pretty sure your psychiatrist isn't ALLOWED to report your cutting. But maybe I'm wrong. I think it's important you feel comfortable talking to her about this, and if you feel worried you can't, maybe you should look for a new psychiatrist?
Even one day without doing it is a pretty big accomplishment. Even if you end up doing it again, remember, you were strong enough to go a day without it. One day at a time, that's all you can focus on.
Wow, I feel in a very similar situation to you *hugs*
As a legal adult, I'm pretty sure your psychiatrist isn't ALLOWED to report your cutting. But maybe I'm wrong. I think it's important you feel comfortable talking to her about this, and if you feel worried you can't, maybe you should look for a new psychiatrist?
Even one day without doing it is a pretty big accomplishment. Even if you end up doing it again, remember, you were strong enough to go a day without it. One day at a time, that's all you can focus on.
Take care, and please be safe!
*hugs back*
Well, looking at the laws my treatment facility place/something are under, she hasn't been allowed to since I turned 16, so she has broken the law... or, maybe not. she can tell all she wants if it's "serious".
The past few months I've honestly felt like complete crap, everything's going to hell but I keep this game going, even she doesn't know one thing about it. I've just been deadly happy every time I talked to her.. and I was supposed to be transferred to the adult treatment place when I turned 18, but I thought it'd be too hard to get another new person to rely on (since my parents are out of the question, apart from free dinners and sleepovers every now and then), so I got this... paper thing that says it'd be dangerous for me to switch. And I'm afraid it would, since for me, it takes a loooong time to gain trust in another person (IRL). Ahem. Pathetic, no?
I fell asleep five times at school, and collapsed when I got home from lack of sleep (didn't get any yesterday night). So yay, sleep deprivation is the way to go to not cut?
But, yes, I guess it's all down to the day-by-day-thing. Never thought I'd be here again..
but, thank you, i'll try.
Everything you need is around you.
The only danger is inside you.
So punch another pillow, to make the pain a little less.
And run another race, to make the pace a little faster.
Use another knife, to make the cut a little deeper.
Then shed another tear, to make reality a little truer.
I did it. I'm sorry, I couldn't stop it.
And now I used another package of steri-strips, I can't believe how much money I spend on first aid...
Everything you need is around you.
The only danger is inside you.
So punch another pillow, to make the pain a little less.
And run another race, to make the pace a little faster.
Use another knife, to make the cut a little deeper.
Then shed another tear, to make reality a little truer.
I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time :( *big hugs* I think it's a pretty good accomplishment to have gone that day without cutting... especially after doing it several days in a row. You're not alone in this. We'll all try to support you, and your therapist is there to make sure you stay safe :) Always feel free to send a message if you need to talk
I really hope you're doing alright!
*more hugs and much love*
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
The important thing is you keep trying, right? If you feel you can't switch to another person to talk to, then stay with the one you are with. But I'd advise you talk to her about your concerns that she will tell your parents and breach confidentiality. If you do not think you are a serious risk to yourself or others, tell her that. Maybe she will trust you and see the bigger picture; that you are going to her for help and part of that help is to talk about your cutting.
I ordered this book, that should be here on Monday called "Bodily Harm". I'm not sure if it's any good or not, but claims to have "the cure" for cutting. I figure it can't do any harm. I will let you know if it is any good ;)
Good luck with your psychiatrist, I hope you get it sorted out. You should be able to talk to her about these things, it's what she's here for. And if you can't, it's what WE'RE here for too
I totally get the sleep dep too. I have been lacking in sleep for a while, and ended up missing work today because of it. This is perhaps something you could talk to your GP or psychiatrist about as well? I tried to make a docs appointment this week but can't get in, have to try again next week to talk to my GP about my sleep problems and meds. It's something to consider, and I know it can be very scary, I have trouble talking to my GP and though I've suffered with depression for years I only just told my doc about it about a month ago. So I understand it's tough to open up to people. Hang in there, one day at a time. I am here to chat if you need to, feel free to send me a PM if you'd like.
I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time :( *big hugs* I think it's a pretty good accomplishment to have gone that day without cutting... especially after doing it several days in a row. You're not alone in this. We'll all try to support you, and your therapist is there to make sure you stay safe :) Always feel free to send a message if you need to talk
I really hope you're doing alright!
*more hugs and much love*
*hugs back* Thank you... I think it was a bit well done as well... and not being alone does make me sad, because it hurts so badly :(
I had to cancel the appointment with my therapist, and the next one I'll have to cancel as well... so I don't know when I'll tell her, really.
I'm much better now, thanks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdleButDeadly
The one you should apologize to is yourself :(
The important thing is you keep trying, right? If you feel you can't switch to another person to talk to, then stay with the one you are with. But I'd advise you talk to her about your concerns that she will tell your parents and breach confidentiality. If you do not think you are a serious risk to yourself or others, tell her that. Maybe she will trust you and see the bigger picture; that you are going to her for help and part of that help is to talk about your cutting.
I ordered this book, that should be here on Monday called "Bodily Harm". I'm not sure if it's any good or not, but claims to have "the cure" for cutting. I figure it can't do any harm. I will let you know if it is any good ;)
Good luck with your psychiatrist, I hope you get it sorted out. You should be able to talk to her about these things, it's what she's here for. And if you can't, it's what WE'RE here for too
I totally get the sleep dep too. I have been lacking in sleep for a while, and ended up missing work today because of it. This is perhaps something you could talk to your GP or psychiatrist about as well? I tried to make a docs appointment this week but can't get in, have to try again next week to talk to my GP about my sleep problems and meds. It's something to consider, and I know it can be very scary, I have trouble talking to my GP and though I've suffered with depression for years I only just told my doc about it about a month ago. So I understand it's tough to open up to people. Hang in there, one day at a time. I am here to chat if you need to, feel free to send me a PM if you'd like.
Best of luck.
I did, and the apology wasn't accepted :/
Yeah.. but I'm kinda sick of trying. And besides, I now have a friend I can trust and talk to, so.. whenever I see my psychiatrist, I have little to say because I've already talked to that friend. Unlike her, he understands what I say. She's more like.. "oh, you lost track of our conversation again... well that's alright, after all, you're dissociative." Quite stupid, actually.
True. I don't think I'm a serious risk to anyone, unless this **** really takes control over me. I never really knew how to tell her (or anyone) that I'm doing it, after all it's all just something abstract for me... like, a spur-of-the-moment-thing; I do it because of something in my mind, and that's it. Haha... I have a thousand thoughts about this, so.. it's weird to tell someone (IRL) about it.
And yes, do that! You made me curious now ;)
Thanks... thank you a lot! :D
I actually haven't cut since... Wednesday, I think, I've been really busy since then... I guess random shait is something that can keep me away from it. Also, I had my (first) tattoo done on Saturday, guess that can have something to do with this... I kind of managed to trap the cutting-something inside, to save it for the tattoo session. And it worked! It was useful for something xD It's like... I used it to overcome the pain. Now, aftercare, stay away from that knife. If I keep telling myself that, will my hands do as I tell them to?
Ow, that sucks... :/ I hope things will sort out for you, that doesn't sound easy... :(
Well, the sleep thing... I've talked it over with two therapists and one doctor, they all came to different conclusions and wanted to put me on a total of four different pills. Ahem. I don't understand D:
Likewise.
Everything you need is around you.
The only danger is inside you.
So punch another pillow, to make the pain a little less.
And run another race, to make the pace a little faster.
Use another knife, to make the cut a little deeper.
Then shed another tear, to make reality a little truer.
I've gotten two tattoos, and they were both nearly orgasmic. Definitely a more socially acceptable way of SI. My one is on the inside of my arm, it's a kind of reminder to not cut (now I just do it somewhere else though :S). it's my dog Linkin's Pawprint with a photo of my other dog Coal inside of it. No way I could ever hurt THEM ;)
What is your new tatt of? I'd love to see pictures! :D
I'm very paranoid about what I say to psychiatrists/etc. ever since I was committed to the psych ward. It's scary feeling like you have no say or control over what happens to you, so it's hard for me be honest or the opposite; and act "dissociative". I'd be worried the psychiatrist would try to have me committed or something (especially since that's why I was; I was "Comatose" even though I'd gone days without sleep so they gave me sleeping pills that knocked me out... and then said I was comatose!!). You never worry about that with the information (or lack thereof) given to your psychiatrist?
I'm glad you have a friend to listen to you. That's something more people need!
I've gotten two tattoos, and they were both nearly orgasmic. Definitely a more socially acceptable way of SI. My one is on the inside of my arm, it's a kind of reminder to not cut (now I just do it somewhere else though :S). it's my dog Linkin's Pawprint with a photo of my other dog Coal inside of it. No way I could ever hurt THEM ;)
What is your new tatt of? I'd love to see pictures! :D
I'm very paranoid about what I say to psychiatrists/etc. ever since I was committed to the psych ward. It's scary feeling like you have no say or control over what happens to you, so it's hard for me be honest or the opposite; and act "dissociative". I'd be worried the psychiatrist would try to have me committed or something (especially since that's why I was; I was "Comatose" even though I'd gone days without sleep so they gave me sleeping pills that knocked me out... and then said I was comatose!!). You never worry about that with the information (or lack thereof) given to your psychiatrist?
I'm glad you have a friend to listen to you. That's something more people need!
YAY! *hugs back*
Ooooh, that's awesome! Yes, it definitely is more accepted, it's been part of human life for thousands of years. It's just weird that some people find it disturbing and whatnot.
Good place to have it. but, oh, that's not good.. eep :S
However, sounds like a very sweet tattoo! :D
Mine's of the band Kamelot's logo. I got it to remind me that there are things worth living for. See, Kamelot's music is what saved me three years ago - I wouldn't have been here today, hadn't it been for a certain gig in July '07. Ahem. Well, http://i332.photobucket.com/albums/m...11kl1416-1.jpg is, so far, the only photo of it. Though the tat's on my back, I know that it's there. I've already been judged as a "crazy fangirl" by some other fans. Sigh...
Oww, that sounds scary! :/
I know the feeling of having no control, but not in the same way as you. I can do nothing but agree to what you're saying, and damn... the people that did that make me furious! >_<
Uhm, I don't really worry, no. She has told me a couple of times that she was getting really worried about my well-being and all that, but I find that hard to believe. Sure, she wants to put another two labels on me, and she wants me to keep working hard in school "because I have the potential to do good", but that just makes very little sense to me. You see, I rarely tell anyone but that friend anything about how I'm really doing. The rest of the world believes "I'm fine." as long as I can put on that smile, my therapist included.
And now I want to cut again. Damn.
Just realized I haven't taken my meds in nearly two weeks. That could have something to do with this crap... Ohgod, I hate being addicted to stuff. Especially stuff that works. >_>
Last edited by Snora : 14-03-2011 at 08:45 PM.
Reason: grammar.
Everything you need is around you.
The only danger is inside you.
So punch another pillow, to make the pain a little less.
And run another race, to make the pace a little faster.
Use another knife, to make the cut a little deeper.
Then shed another tear, to make reality a little truer.
Beautiful tatt! I don't think you're a crazy fan girl ;) Acid Bath is what helped me through a lot too, so I totally understand!
You should take your meds! It's important! I'm STILL trying to get in to see the doc (harder than the pope!) about my meds, they're doing more harm than good, but I am still taking them until I can talk to my doc about them because it's important to "follow doctors orders" until they find a new solution for you. If you have a problem taking your meds, this is something you should discuss with your GP too!
You'd be surprised at how much people actually care about you! Your psychiatrist included. You should believe her when she says she worries about you, as I'm sure she does. They don't all get into it just for the money, a lot do it because they really want to help people. I bet she really DOES get concerned about you.
Being misdiagnosed is a pain in the butt, especially when you seem to be getting all kinds of diagnoses. Finding a really good doc is a hard thing to do, but worth the effort i think.
You gota take care of yourself, and sometimes taking care of yourself means letting others take care of you too ;)
Beautiful tatt! I don't think you're a crazy fan girl ;) Acid Bath is what helped me through a lot too, so I totally understand!
You should take your meds! It's important! I'm STILL trying to get in to see the doc (harder than the pope!) about my meds, they're doing more harm than good, but I am still taking them until I can talk to my doc about them because it's important to "follow doctors orders" until they find a new solution for you. If you have a problem taking your meds, this is something you should discuss with your GP too!
You'd be surprised at how much people actually care about you! Your psychiatrist included. You should believe her when she says she worries about you, as I'm sure she does. They don't all get into it just for the money, a lot do it because they really want to help people. I bet she really DOES get concerned about you.
Being misdiagnosed is a pain in the butt, especially when you seem to be getting all kinds of diagnoses. Finding a really good doc is a hard thing to do, but worth the effort i think.
You gota take care of yourself, and sometimes taking care of yourself means letting others take care of you too ;)
Thanks! ;)
And yes, I should, I really should because they work, and I know that. But I just.. forget taking them. It's really nothing more than that.
Oh, you just stick to that plan and let the doctor do the changing. Could be the best option!
And I'm not very good with abbreviations, what's "GP"?
I guess I would, but I fear it'd take something extreme to make them react. In the past I've heard the "I care about you, I'm your friend, you can trust me"-words being said and disproved way too many times, and whenever I meet my friends, I'm just waiting for them to say "I can't bear being with you, you're too blablabla. Bye." I completely freaked out at some friends that dumped me before Christmas sometime, nearly screamed at them, telling them to either help me or leave because I was waaay too close to giving it all up. I'd relied on them earlier, and trusted one of them as a close friend, but they chose to leave me, and I'm terrified that'll happen again. So I don't tell people things, because then they get too close, and the friendship gets too fragile (this is practically true for all but one friendship). I know that logic doesn't make much sense, but it's basically what I've learned from my years of having a social so-called life. Now, how the heck did I get from people caring about me to that? Stupid me. >_<
Anyway. Err, yeah... Again, I most definitely should. But I don't. I refuse to believe her, because the moment I do, something will happen to break that feeling of having someone there that actually cares.
I don't doubt that she's concerned, but I do think it's not worth it.
Yeah, true. :/ My list of "diagnoses" is only growing, and in a way they fool me into thinking that "I'm like this because of this and that and I'm like this because of that, that and that." It's a wee bit annoying.
You take care as well...
I don't know how that works D:
Never really understood the entire help thingie.
Everything you need is around you.
The only danger is inside you.
So punch another pillow, to make the pain a little less.
And run another race, to make the pace a little faster.
Use another knife, to make the cut a little deeper.
Then shed another tear, to make reality a little truer.
I don't know if anyone cares, but I told my psychiatrist about my SI today.
And she wants to help! Woot!
She also mentioned some kind of treatment clinic, and that kinda... baffled me. I don't really want that, but I think it could help, since daily life is killing me =/
Everything you need is around you.
The only danger is inside you.
So punch another pillow, to make the pain a little less.
And run another race, to make the pace a little faster.
Use another knife, to make the cut a little deeper.
Then shed another tear, to make reality a little truer.
Well done, I'm so proud of you, and you should be proud of you too! Best of luck, and please keep me updated! If you need to talk or vent or whatever just send me a message or something, I'm totally here to help you out ;)
Aww, thanks! ^^,
I will. It looks like I'll have a meeting with my counsellor next week to find out the possibilities of dumping this year, and I have an appointment with my therapist next Friday. Hopefully I've sorted out the school crap by then... :/
Thanks, again, I'll keep that in mind (though I'm terrified of being a burden to anyone).
Everything you need is around you.
The only danger is inside you.
So punch another pillow, to make the pain a little less.
And run another race, to make the pace a little faster.
Use another knife, to make the cut a little deeper.
Then shed another tear, to make reality a little truer.
Everything you need is around you.
The only danger is inside you.
So punch another pillow, to make the pain a little less.
And run another race, to make the pace a little faster.
Use another knife, to make the cut a little deeper.
Then shed another tear, to make reality a little truer.
