Graphic - i dont want tos top

marilynnrose · 08-03-2011, 10:33 AM

why should i stop? i dont want to stop. its less damaging than alcohol, ED, smoking, drugs. Its just superficial wounds. I can't stop self harming. IC AN"T STOP. i want to keep going and going and if it was socially accepted like smoking I would do it everywehre. All the time, different depths. Horizontal, vertical, legs, arms, wrists, neck. I want to cut everywhere and i dont want to stop ever. I can't stop. But i have to stop becuas ei want a future. But I only want a future becuase the world tells me I do. Personally? I dont give a fuck, if i could cut and get away with it I would never stop. It's better than sex. It is better than alcohol. I drink and i cna't stop. I want more and more of cutting not alcohol. The only way I can stop myself is to drink till I pass out. I have a counselor appt next week and i dont want to go cuase i dont want to stop but I know i have to. But i dont want to. I'll never stop if i dont want to. But i do. I don't want the scars anymore. I want to be attractive. and i'm so ashamed of how i look.

Gamma Zebra · 08-03-2011, 01:36 PM

Calm down hun. *hugs* take a deep breath and try to relax. working yourself into a state will not help you.
Drinking yourself into oblivion isn't going to help. It's going to make it worse. You know this.
You want to stop because you don't want the scars but you don't want to stop because it makes you feel better?
No one can force you to stop and any decent counsellour will NOT force you to either.
Have you found ways in which you can cope with the urges without breaking the skin or maybe without leaving marks?
We can try and help you. Let us know what you need.
Talk, rant or whatever we will be here :)

marilynnrose · 08-03-2011, 08:53 PM

wow sorry for that rant. When I am feeling normal and fine I want to stop so bad. When I'm having a craving I don't care about stopping...but I guess a part of me does because I wouldn't try to replace it with something else ie, alcohol. I've been cutting and skin picking for about ten years now. Many times I've tried to stop cutting but never skin picking casue thats just too easy to get away with. I've tried writing, running, sports, swimming, music, singing, dancing, elastic on the wrist, watching movies etc to stop myself from cutting but it never works. Lately I've cheated and been biting but that is also not the same. I just crave the feeling of cutting and cutting only. Nothing else is the same or what I want or works to make me feel good. I don't have anyone in my life to sit with me when I need them to and just squeeze my hand instead of letting me cut. I don't have anybody to really talk to about this. I do want to stop, and when I'm thinking clearly I feel as though I will be able to no problem, but then the feeling comes around and its like the good part of my brain is non existant and all I need is something sharp. I don't know how to get away from myself.

BridgesAndBalloons · 09-03-2011, 12:13 AM

It's okay to not want to stop sometimes, it happens to a lot of people, it's okay to want to self harm, it's just learning how to deal with wanting it and not giving in. In your first post you seemed triggered and like you wanted to hurt yourself but also I got the feeling you didn't want to hurt yourself. So if I'm right in my assumptions, not wanting to hurt yourself on some level when you're triggered is good because it shows even when you're wanting to hurt yourself you don't want to resort to it. I hope that made sense!

I don't think you can really get away from yourself, sometimes I feel you just have to ride the urges out. I've been sobbing curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor because I wanted to hurt myself and was trying not to. But it passes, and you can feel more in control.

Also I'll just mention that the physical wounds don't reflect the emotional pain/hurt. Superficial wounds don't mean someone is in any less pain than someone who has deeper wounds.