Triggering (SI) - Lost, help please or something, anything.
I just don't know what to do aye. I'm one of those people that no one would suspect and I feel so stupid and juvinile for acting like this because I have it better than a lot. People tell me what a fun, fantastic, smart and won't shut up about how beautiful I am and theres usually a guy ot 2 hanging round (part of the prob) everyone seems to think I'm great and I don't get it. I have a life that I'd want if I wasnt me, and I still do this. So I guess I should probably point out what this is. I'm 16 and I've been cutting for two and a half years on and off, more on than off, I've been purging (borderline bulemic) for a year same sitch, and I drink to escape not as much as I use to and I use guys to escape. In the last year I've had my first kiss, gotten drunk for the first time, purged for the first time tried to kill myself twice, fallen in love, had my heart broken, went to my first party, lost my virginity while drunk (and consequently screwed over my bestie and ex, it was her ex and his best m8), tried pot etc etc etc. I feel like I've done everything so fast and now I'm sixteen and theres not a lot of new things left to experience that I'm suppose to over the next couple of years. I started purging again in March its eased of a bit now, but I cut for the first time in about 4 months last week, deeper than before and two of them instead of the normal one. I also spent the whole weekend drinking and ending up sleeping with the same guy I lost it too in April, but this time it was just sex its always meant something before but this time was just sex and it felt weird. And I feel bad about my motives. I wanted to escape and he's one of my best m8s and I used him. I'm stuck in this loop where I cut, drink, purge etc and then all of a sudden I'm ok something clicks and I'm fine for a while and then it clicks again and the loop starts over. I just want to party and let go, cut, purge, just lose myself and wallow in it all. And I've just had this huge success where I got to organise our schools first ever Wearable Arts Competition and it went really well, and now I'm organising a mural. I don't get it I should be happy but I'm not and a small part of me doesn't want to be. I'm so screwed up. I don't know what to do anymore.
do you know what started it all of? soemtimes looking at that can help you figure out why your still doing it. there has to be soemthing that your not happy about. it might not seem that big but its obviously causing you problems. what is it you want to escape from?
when things start going bad or whatever your mind instantly gets in the run away mode. and thats when the cylce starts all over again. i kno thats wot used 2 happen with me. i grew up very qucikly and i missed out on a lot of things.
i do the same as you, everyone tells me, that i'm smart, i'm a fab mate or wotever yet i just look at them as if to say r u talking about the same person here. keeping hold of the good things that are going on isnt alwasy easy but soemtimes we have to do it just to keep going.
have you been abel to talk 2 ne one about it? mayeb yuor gp they might be able to help you.
sorry probably not much help right now xxx
Theres a little truth behing every just kidding,
A little curiosity behind every just wondering,
A little knowledge behind every i dont know.
And a little emotion behind every i dont care.
Actually I think your the most hlpful person I've ever spoken to. Now I guess its at the point where I feel like its a part of who I am and its so deeply embeded that I run to it whenever I feel bad and if I can't do it or won't let myself it just keeps getting worse until I do. Counselling isn't an option already went down that avenue and I can't get past my mother. Theres also a part of me that doens't want to let go of it. It first started when I'd moved away from my mates and come to a new twon was way over weight but even after I made a great life for myself and lost a ton of weight it just kept going. But then I stopped for a while and then I met a new guy he was just a mate and seemed really kewl and nice but he was really screwed up. I was sweet, ridiculously innocent and naive. I fell in with that group and started to party and that and fell off the deep end and drank whenever I could, I turned up drunk to school once, not that anyone knew. I tried to kill myself not long after that. After that I decided I couldn't keep doing it threw myself into the production i was in. Fell in love with a stage hand was ridiculously happy for three months. Broke up realised after two weeks i missed him. Our getting back together lasted for two months with only a little contact. I was lost and lonely and out of control drinking a lot lots of no string stuff I think there was something like 9 guys. Neway got back together with him, didn't work coz I was distant and felt vulnerable and was scared of letting him in so after 1 1/2 months he gave up and broke up with me (not that I blame him). Then two weeks later I slept with one of his best m8s after drinking more than I thought was humanly poss and the fall out of that was hell and that was April. So yea. Does that tell you at all where it started?
((((((((((hug)))))))))
yeah, but does it help you looking at where it started. counciling doesnt work for everyone.
if your 16 your mum doesnt have to know. (i dnt know the relationship between the 2 of you) but mine and my mums is really bad and i hardly tell her n e thing. i knot its not gd going behind parents bk and stuff but soemtimes its the only way.
theres alwasy that part that doesnt wanna let go. its a release it makes things better (or thats what it feels like at the time) but in reality it just drags us down.
soemtimes even if we try and make things ok for ourselves. it might show on the outside but on the inside it doesnt. and thats why it doesnt alwasy stay good. you can only put a brave face on for so long before you get exhausted.
moding away from ppl is hard. you loose part of who you are. and have to try and find it again and start a new and its soo hard to do.
have you ever spoken to your doc about it? on your own without parents?
Theres a little truth behing every just kidding,
A little curiosity behind every just wondering,
A little knowledge behind every i dont know.
And a little emotion behind every i dont care.
Yea I have and they said my folks didn't have to know and next thing I know I'm talking with mum. Shes great but at the same point I don;t want it to be the most important thing in my life I have it in a nice box where it doesn't touch anything else (except that relationship it seems) that I take out look at and then put back again and with mum she keeps bringing it up and even if I am feeling better she still looks at me like is she...? I h8 it. I'm really in dependent and hate admiting I'm not ok and thats part of the prob.
Its kinda like I've been doing it for so long it I've forgotten in wrong. Like I know the reasons its wrong but I just can't bring myself to care about them anymore. I can usually figure out why its going on or that its going to happen I just can't bring myself out of it or stop it from happening I have to ride it out and I"m tired of it. What happens when eventually I can't? If can't? Its harder the tider I get which doesn't help coz I usually throw myself into school to lose myself, I partied bacuse it was summer holidays and now I have exams coming up. Sigh. Hug Back
*hugs*
Julie, this is what I'm thinking but please tell me if I've interpreted something wrongly:
It seems to me that you are a really emotional person and because your feelings are so strong you lurch from one method of coping with them to another and many of these ways are unhealthy. You need to break out of that cycle. Maybe take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that it's okay to feel negative feelings sometimes and if you accept that they are a natural part of you they might not seem so scary and you won't have to use anu of these "quick fix" approaches to get rid of them because they are unhealthy for you and in reality the feelings won't go away unless you take a long-term approach with them. In fact they're beneficial because if you take your time and learn from them then you can find a deeper happiness within yourself.
You say you fell in with a partying crowd. Could you make a conscious effort to distance yourself from any situation which might tempt you to drink/take drugs etc? iot would take a commitment but it would be worth it in the long run.
Also I would say that it can be frustrating when you can't seem to find any logical reason for how you're feeling but trust me there will always be one you might just need help to unravel it. That's why I do think counselling is a good idea in your situation. Why can't you get it past your mother? Is it possible to talk to her again about it? Is there a counsellor at your school you could see without her knowledge maybe?
Finally you said you made a great life for yourself here-that took a lot of strength and courage, you can use that same strength and courage to break this cycle, just take it one step at a time.
Kiran
xx
