I'm feeling so bad right now. Like I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve anything good. I'm rubbish at everything, I can't do things right. Everything is so ****ing pointless, because I always fail. Even when i try really, really hard, it's not good enough, and I don't want to fail anymore, because it's tiring and stressful and upsetting to feel that way.
I'm tired of trying things, I want to curl up in a corner far away from everything and just drop out of existance. I want to be happy, and I can't do that while I'm here, because everything just ****s up.
"Alright, gang. I'll ignore that some of you are late... if you ignore that I'm the latest."
you deserve to live and be happy, and to have positive things happen in your life. lots of times you need to work for the good things, but you definately deserve for good things to happen.
if it seems that you're failing at everything, maybe you're aiming for the wrong goals. or you've got the right goals, but just haven't figured out the right approach to getting there. failing isn't necessarily going backwards. you can fall forwards, and learn from your experiences, and pick up and try again. and maybe you just don't know what to look for to find your successes, because i find it very very difficult to beleive that you have none.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I still feel angry. I just want to hit something, break something, want to scream. I don't know why I'm still angry.
My friend's friend died yesterday, and I didn't know him all that well, but I still knew him, and she's gone to pieces about it, and it's really more than can handle right now while I'm really trying to get my life going in the right direction.
Everytime I seem to be doing that, everytime I'm thinking that it's all gonna be fine and I was worrying for no reason, something bad happens. I need money to pay for my third attempt at A-level courses, and I can't get a job. Even stacking shelves in the local supermarket, it'd drive me crazy within a week, I just wouldn't be able to do it. I can't use phones. It's hard enough when it's a friend calling me, but if it's anyone else I just can't for this really weird reason.
I can't be around people at the moment.
I'm Shing daily at the moment, and I couldn't even bring it up with my doctor.
I think I need my friends, a TV and a couple of movies, but no one's around and I can't go to Bexxie's house because she's all depressed at the moment, and I don't know what to say to her.
And I am good at things, at my subjects, I just fail because I have memory lapses and and panic attacks in my exams and I get very confused and I can't think straight, so my grades will never reflect how good I can be. It doesn't matter how much I am working, the same thing happens every time and it's not getting any better. I tried to explain it to the support staff, but they weren't much use.
"Alright, gang. I'll ignore that some of you are late... if you ignore that I'm the latest."
Do you think you could get out of the house? Maybe go for a walk/jog or do something physical to get the anger out. I wish I had something more to suggest, but I really don't at the moment..
I hope you're doing alright; Send a PM if you need to talk
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
A run did help for a while. But I can't shake this, it's really annoying me. I was walking my dog today, she's a puppy, a border collie, so she's bouncy and exciteable, and because the sun was out there were all these families walking through the woods that normally only has dog walkers. People are normally fine with dogs jumping up, because they know that's where they're walking, but there was this one family with this little kid and he kept shrieking at Harriet (my dog), and so she was getting all excited. I tried to calm her down, called her back, got her to walk to heal, but he kept shrieking, and his dad was telling him to shut up, it was only a dog, but his mum was giving me dirty looks. And Harriet ran up to him again, to check out what all the exciting noise was, and I called her back, she came straight back to me, and I grabbed her collar this time. The dad seemed to be laughing, and I was about to apologise when the mum opened her stupid mouth and said "can't you keep your dog under control". But it was the way she said it, and I immediatly felt that if she was any closer I would have taken a swing at her. It just made me so angry.
I'm supposed to be finding a job, I need money for my courses next year, but I'm no closer to getting one than I was six months ago. I'm so up and down in my mood and how much I can tolerate before I snap that I can't see me doing much. I volunteer once a week at Oxfam, and I can't make it there every week, and when I do go, I can't last the entire time without having to run out to calm myself down.
I got special allowances at college, if I didn't feel up to being in, no one asked questions. If I felt I had to leave the class, if it was for twenty minutes, or for two hours, no one asked questions.
I'm not going to get this at anywhere I go to work. I'm not going to be able to cope. :(
"Alright, gang. I'll ignore that some of you are late... if you ignore that I'm the latest."
Great, and now mother dearest has just given me an earful because Harriet isn't meant to be left to "meet and greet" people because she'll learn bad habits and I'll be responsible for ruining another dog. **** HER ****ING BITCH CAN ****ING WELL LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!
"Alright, gang. I'll ignore that some of you are late... if you ignore that I'm the latest."
