Fridays are always terrible for me, but I've been having such a hard time lately and today has just destroyed me.
First I woke up still really sick from the post trauma anxiety from the other night. Still been having terrible panic attacks, them interrupting my sleep may be just making it worse, but I CANNOT make it stop no matter what I do.
I couldn't get my contacts in, couldn't see to do school work, got sicker because I got more anxious about that because I have almost no work done because I've been so sick from the anxiety about the other night. Called my mom to come home and get me medications I needed at that point, and she did, but she came home REALLY mad.
She said a lot of horrible, horrible things to me, mentioned the other night several times purposely even when I BEGGED her to stop because it just gave me more flashbacks and panic attacks and made everything worse. She WOULDN'T stop because these days she gets some kind of perverse pleasure from bullying me and her goal seems to always be to make me feel as horrible as possible.
I started freaking out, screaming, PLEADING with her to stop, and so she threatened in patient. which we've established is not an option for me, no where around here has an inpatient program with the ability to care for my physical ailments as well, which will just lead to more problems not only mentally, to where I'd likely be unable to ever get out because neglecting my physical treatment does horrible things for my physical health, but that neglect could also easily harm me quite a bit physically. So if she does that, I am, like, literally just screwed. That's it, end of the line, I have no chance at getting better, and I could actually, probably die.
She also threatened to call the police several times, which is now my worst fear because of what happened the other night.
She also reprimanded me for ever speaking in public forums online about anything as that is what caused this mess. (But with my illness, it's my only means of social interaction, ever... otherwise, I don't have it because I can't go out or go to normal school, or anything.)
And on top of that, I'm terrified because I believe last night as my nighttime meds kicked in, during a moment of weakness and complete fog, in an INTENSE bullying episode on a website last night, I might have mentioned that I felt like harming myself, which terrifies me because I feel like that could set off another episode where the police will show up, and all that, and I JUST cannot handle it again. The only reason I'm at any possible risk to myself now is BECAUSE of that incident, and if it happens again, I can't guarantee I can deal with it happening again. I just don't think I can. The first time is STILL tearing me apart days later. If it happens again, I feel like I'm goner for sure...
That scares me so, so much...
The stress is literally just killing me, I am for real, physically just falling apart because of it. It has nothing to do with me harming myself, or being a danger to myself, but I honestly feel like I'm just seriously going to die from the extreme anxiety because of all the extra physical ailments it's causing me and my general physical problems anyway. The constant panic attacks and the stress it puts on the body to have them every fifteen minutes. The vomiting, the diarrhea (which could both dehydrate me easily), and everything else. No one can go through life being this sick, no matter what it's from, and eventually something directly caused by my extreme anxiety is going to result in death.
And I have no idea WHAT to do. No matter what I try, it just gets worse. My mother is intent on making it worse on purpose, and in trying so hard to seek some support online, the fact it just has me in such a bad place risks everything, because it could mean going through it again, which I know I can handle that again.
Absolutely nothing I've tried is working at all, and it's just making EVERYTHING worse, so it's going to end up being a vicious cycle that may never end. With my illness I've missed a lot of school, and with this, I can't seem to get any work done, or be well enough even for a short time to do what I need to get done, but I'm really gonna actually fail if I can't figure something out.
Even the little things are going terribly wrong, like I can't find my necklace, my most comforting possession, and I wrote a blog entry earlier for my blog that didn't go through and was lost. And the doctors office still hasn't called to make my thyroid ultrasound appointment. Sometimes it helps a little to take delight in the little things that go just right, but even those are going HORRIBLY wrong, and on top of everything else going on just kills inside for nothing at all to ever go right...
Please, someone help me figure something out... I'm SO, SO terrified, and I'm COMPLETELY breaking down, and it's probably going to kill me if I can't figure something out to stop it... I'm completely desperate, and backed against a wall. I'm screwed if I don't figure out how to make some of this a little better soon.
(As a note, I never mentioned being at risk for harming myself, please don't call the police and put me through that again, I won't be able to handle it a second time.)
