A year of not cutting but now feel like i could relapse
So I haven't cut for over a year now, and recently I've had urges but they haven't been as strong as they are now.
I recently moved away from home to go University, and maybe a little bit before christmas I've been feeling really really down.. and extremely lonely, like I have no one to talk to which makes it worst.
I don't even know if I've actually been happy this past year that i stopped s/harming, now that I think about it, or if I was just distracted. In my gap year before i came to uni all i really did was work part time and go out drinking a lot and its all now a haze. I used to be really shy and over that year I kind of gained a load of confidence but now i've lost it all again... i feel doubtful that i was ever happy or confident or if maybe i was just faking it?
But anyway, none of this has seemed like too much of an issue untill recently, I just so badly want to cut myself, part of me feels like why should i feel guilty about it, i should just do it because there's nothing really wrong with self harm its just frowned upon in society? then another part of me feels so ****ed up and empty.. and i know that if i just give in and do it i'll get into a viscous circle and this depression will get worst.
I've been crying on and off for the past hour debating to just go ahead and cut, I just think my already depressed feeling has triggered me into this state by my actions recently. I didn't see myself as behaving self-destructively, just as having fun but now i don't know. I've just been getting really drunk recently.. having too many one night stands and getting so drunk that i don't remember anything and then being told i was seen going to the toilets with a boy or something. Usually I'm numb, i've never felt regretful about my sexual past but it's like I suddenly had a brainwave and felt completely disgusted with myself.
I don't even think any of this makes sense I just want to let it out. and some advice on stopping myself from self harming :/ i don't even know :[
First- it's wonderful you've gone a whole year! That is a MAJOR accomplishment :) You're doing such a great job
Have you done anything to distract yourself? Some things that help me are writing, art, or getting out of the house. I've also drawn an myself with red markers/pens to fight triggers. They're the color of blood, but it doesn't do any harm to your body. I've also heard holding an ice cube to your skin helps a bit. It creates some pain, but doesn't actually do anything. If you think you could go without breaking skin, snapping a rubber band against your wrist may help.
Always remember that you're not alone in this! There is always someone out there who cares and will try to help you :) That's what we're all here for :)
I really hope you're coping alright! Everyone will slip up at times, but there will always be another chance. It is never too late for recovery.
Always feel free to send a PM if you want to talk
*hugs and love*
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
really, thank you guys so much. i feel a lot better just by getting this out and hearing from you for support. i think i feel like i can resist, for now :]
you said a bit there about self harm not really being wrong and just being unaccepted by society......... i guess my thought on that is that it isn't wrong the same way as breaking a law is wrong. but it is very unhealthy, like smoking two packs a day is unhealthy. only sometimes the really dangerous effects come right after the injuries, rather than years and years later. and psychologically it isn't healthy either. so while feeling guilty about cutting, like you've sinned or something, isn't really a helpful mindset, self harm isn't something to just say is a ok and that people just don't accept it....
i don't know if that made sense, really tired at the moment, so sorry if i rambled alot there
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
you said a bit there about self harm not really being wrong and just being unaccepted by society......... i guess my thought on that is that it isn't wrong the same way as breaking a law is wrong. but it is very unhealthy, like smoking two packs a day is unhealthy. only sometimes the really dangerous effects come right after the injuries, rather than years and years later. and psychologically it isn't healthy either. so while feeling guilty about cutting, like you've sinned or something, isn't really a helpful mindset, self harm isn't something to just say is a ok and that people just don't accept it....
i don't know if that made sense, really tired at the moment, so sorry if i rambled alot there
I know what you mean, but I think every ones different. I think the reason WHY i self harm is really unhealthy, like the way i'll be feeling in order to do it, but sometimes i really think whats wrong with inflicting pain on yourself? like, its just a coping mechanism like some people who comfort eat? i don't know.
i guess just something thats really changed my perception on mental illness and stuff like that is learning in psychology about some theorist who said that mental disorders are just labels that make society judgemental. he kind of said that its wrong to say that if a person's actions are deviant from social norms than they must be crazy.. and that people are just people, we're all different and we should let them live how they want.
I don't know, thats just something i learned about thats affected my opinion, i don't mean to offend anyone and i didn't come to post on here to preach to you guys about, just wanted to explain why i said what i said. what i wrote on my original post was just a bunch of thoughts and feelings i had at the time that i really needed to get out. because i was kind talking myself in out of relapsing. i'm sorry if that upset you!
