Is knowing the next day as triggering for you as it is for me triggering

[a_soul_that_never_was]

I have been in therapy for so many years. I make progress and I fall back. Over the last few years I've had a lot of fall backs. For over a month now I have really been having it hard. A couple of weeks ago I felt like my soul and heart were being ripped apart with pain. It caused me to take my harming which I had managed not to let get any worse to dangerous levels. I did the crisis line, the er, the on call emergency head dr, calling my therapist office the whole time going into detail how bad and dangerous I was. No help was to be found. When I thought I could take no more I finally had a therapy session. All bandaged up I walked in there and started talking. I've been in therapy long enough sometimes you got to shut the therapist up when they chime in and make them hear you. First three weeks prior she messed with my meds when I was already in a bad place. I was depressed and she took me off my mood stabilizer for depression. Huge mistake. Back to where I was. She tried interrupting and I pulled my cell phone out. I showed her every gross picture. I pulled out a bag with disturbing things in them. She just stared. I didnt ask I told her I want my mood stabilizer back. I want my prozac raised. I want my lithium raised and I want my chloral hydrate back. I have been dealing with my mental illnesses for years and I know better than anybody what I need. I told her that too. Once I had my say I was willing to have a two way conversation. I got my meds and tomorrow two of them are going to be increased more as planned. I got to talk about that pain because I couldn't identify why it was there. I knew part of it was the meds but we all know meds arent the cure all. My childhood I thought I had dealt with has came back to torment me and my mind was trying to fight it without me being aware of it. I rarely sleep because I suffer the majority mania from bipolar. I was scared to go to sleep though. Everything bad that happened to me happened when I was awakened from my sleep. When I could no longer keep my eyes open I would sleep an hour at most and i would bolt upright feeling scared and just not right but I didn't remember anything. My past was going to find its way back in somehow. Since talking with my therapist I realize The horror has got to be revisited because i am not at peace with it like I thought. Tomorrow is therapy and all day today I have this feeling of fear and dread. As the day progressed it grew so bad. It's dark now and I cant put into words how I am feeling just that I am not safe. Every time I have a therapy appt the next day I get this way and I have to harm. I dont want to but the emotional pain that comes with this becomes so bad I feel like I can't breathe. I know a panic attack and this is not one. They go away this doesnt and isnt. Is there anyone else out there that gets this way over therapy. I love it because I know it helps me and I look forward to it but the day before I freak out. I know its because I dont want to have to relive the past. I hate being bipolar and the meds only working for so long. I hate being borderline personality disorder because it messes my life up so bad. I hate it because I wouldn't have it if it wasn't for the severe abuse and trauma my parents put me through. I hate having ptsd. I hate being anorexic. I hate being a harmer. I hate that I cant be normal and I feel like a freak. I hate that I feel I have to put on a act for everybody that I am okay when I am far from it. I hate putting on a act for people because I dont feel normal and I want them to think I am. I hate the crisis line telling me I understand. You dont understand. Your not living it. Your not feeling it. I dont want to hurt anyone. I only want to hurt me and that I am really good at. My therapist isn't going to like what she sees tomorrow but I've got to harm. Everyone stay safe.

[PassedExpectations]

i don't have anything helpful to say right now. but i read. *BIG HUG*

[lonely_hope]

I'm very, very sorry this is so tough! *giant, safe hugs* You CAN and WILL make it through this! It's wonderful you have been open and honest with your therapist- that's a really good start.

This was posted a few days ago... how did the meeting with your therapist go? I know it's really hard, but, comfronting problems of the past is the way to move forward. You are very strong for recognizing that... I couldn't imagine trying to do it.

I wish I had something to say to make all this go away, but I'm lost for words :( Stay strong and hold on... things will get better. You'll always have people to support you :)

I hope you're alright! You can always send a PM if you want to talk

*more hugs, and much love*