Everyone knows by now I was sexually abused starting at age 2 by both my parents. I was beaten starved neglected menatlly abused and so much more. I was made to marry a man who beat me and tried to kill me every single day. I have bipolar 1, borderline personality disorder, Ptsd, and I am a harmer. I have three grown children from my former marriage. I protected and sheltered my children from the hell in this world and from their dad. I gave them everything I had. Time, love, devotion, attention, helped them with homework, spent time with them, talked them, made adventures for us to go on, and played with them. They came before me always. They still do. I have been calling for months trying to talk to my children but not call backs. I've written letters with no response. I've sent them messages on facebook with never a reply. Two of them are living with their dad my former abuser. The other is living in another state as well. That one told me months ago pick and choose who beat me. That was a stab to the heart. I lived it there is no picking or choosing only the truth. My other two have their dad telling them he never knows what voice he is talking to when he talks to me. He calls me a liar and says I am not sick. I have been very physically ill in and out of the hospital for 9 months and just now getting better. I even had surgery but to them I am a liar. They didn't even call to check on me when my surgery was done or during my hospital stays. I just got off the phone trying to get ahold of my youngest daughter. I got her voicemail again and left my message that once again will be ignored. I called my son and he made an excuse to get off the phone. I love my children so much. I dont understand why they wont have anything to do with me. I never so much as laid a hand on them nor let their dad either. i took the beatings in private without making a noise. Why are they doing this to me. The pain is so bad. This last week has been horrible for me. My soul and heart have been ripped apart with pain so bad i can't catch my breath. I need my children but they dont want me. Ive harmed and I can't stop. Yeah my children are a trigger but you cant and dont want to ignore your children you want to talk to them hear about their life be a part of their life. My harming has become very dangerous. My therapist tells me I am going to end up killing myself. She tries to scare me by telling me I may have to get a arm or a leg amputated. I'm scared and alone. i dont think i will make it a week because of my harming. I have to go its harm time. This stirred emotions I didn't expect. All I can say is i need help
