Contains Abuse - 3 years clean - now I'm a complete wreck!

[Nocebo]

I've been a RYL member since Ruin. But I've not been here for so long now. I tried to stay away to keep myself from being triggered and perhaps jsut being in 'that' state of mind.

I didnt cut myself for 3 years. I remarried, had baby number 3 and my new husband and I are currently going through the process of partner adoption. Its very indepth and I have had to revist the abuse I suffered in my past. This has brought up alsorts of queries and questions. I have strange memories that dont make much sense to me and I'm back to cutting my arms.

I feel so pi**ed off with myself and the world. Not guilty. Just fed up. All of the time! I tried Prozac/fluoxetine again...to no avail. Sertraline/xoloft...also no help and now citalopram., which after only 1 week is impossible to say.

My hubby is diet controleld diabetic and suffers badly with numbness and pains (contradictory, I know - but its how it is) which puts a lot more pressure on me (Im really not a selfish person, but it is hard looking after everyone all of the time)

I am a full time mum of 3 kids ( 2 in school all day) and I'm finding it really hard to enjoy life. we live in a small vilalge with only a tiny park and a handful of little shops. I don't/cant drive. I can't face the insecurity/price/hassle/worry/anxiety/stress/unreliable hourly bus service as it has let me down so much in the past. The kids have been off school all week. I'm up at 6am and I literally dont stop until 8pm...when the oldest goes to bed. Then I do the kitchen or other stuff I couldnt fit in during the day. Hubby is out of the house 7am til 8pm (ish) most days and we havnt been anywhere or seen anyone all week. I dont know many peopel here and those I do know, I tend to see at playgroups...im isolate dand lonely and i dont have time to finish what im writing right now...

im sorry...

[dollpart]

Hey.

First, it's good that you're back. It's a positive step towards discussing it, even online, and getting some of the support and advice that you need. Well done.

It's also good that you are trying different medications, that means you already have some professional support. Is there anything else you think you need that you could ask for?

The isolation and loneliness aren't going to help with low mood. The problem is that low mood isnt really helpful for getting out of the isolation, is it? It sounds like you are coping with a lot and you should be proud of that, but maybe you also need to (somehow) find time to fit in something you need, something you enjoy.

And, don't feel pissed off with yourself for the cutting. So much easier said than done, I know. But it's a way of coping- and like I said, you are coping with a lot. If it is getting you through, then it is how it is, and there's no blame in it. The main thing is working towards getting help, towards a place where the self-harm isn't what you need.

Sorry if this is just babbling. I hope you are okay.

xx