I'm not 100% sure why I'm writing this but i figure it's 2am,I've just harmed and just need to dump everything out.
Basically after reading over many threads and subjects I wonder where and when do I belong in this crazy thing called depression.
I have been suffering from it for the last 4 months now, and in that time I have tried taking my life,cut easily over 100 times,lost all emotions and feelings and had a head ache pretty much the whole time....
Yes all of this is **** and yes id happily end my life to end it all,but when reading and listening to others I feel like they are a lot more worthy of help from others then myself.
I don't exactly know what I'm trying to say, but from day to day life if people didn't see my cuts then they might think I'm normal, I manage to put on a smiley clown face and hide behind that,I have a lot of friends who support me and try to ease my burden. But my life feels like I'm watching tv things happen but I never feel the emotion behind it I just see the events.
So in summary I have no idea what I've said in this message, I just guess I wanted to dump my thoughts into text.
But if people ever want to message me or want someone to talk to, Let me know.
Does it help to put your thoughts on paper - or screen, as the case may be?
I guess it's easy to think that others are more deserving of support, but it's not true. Comparing yourself to others isn't very productive - we're all individual in our feelings. What affects you so badly might not be horrible for me, or the other way round - you might be able to cope with my problems fine, if you were me. But that's irrelevant. What matters is what you're feeling, and that cannot be compared to anyone else. When it affects you, then it matters and is worthy of understanding and support. I hope that makes sense.
Similar with where do we fit in depression... where do we fit in any diagnosis? We're people, not textbook cases, so each case, each person is unique. Your problems seem to have progressed very quickly, and I can't imagine how confusing that must be.
I hope you feel a bit better today. Take care of yourself.
Hey,
I think seeing it infront of me,makes things more real and I guess helps me look at them from a different perspective.
I unfortunately look at things as very black and White, I'm fixed or broken,wrong or right etc and my counsillors are trying hard to get me
Viewing things on a scale and to see that there is infact a middle ground and I might be moving up it positively.
Unfortunately I didn't sleep again and ended up harming (albeit very lightly) but it's still a habit I'm not proud of or want to rely on.
Luckily I'm in university halls, so I can surround myself with friends and people,because I could never harm infront of them.
I guess forest gump was right,life is like a box of chocolates and at the moment it feels like I'm chewing on a coffee one! Eurgh
the black and white sort of thinking is something that i get stuck on easily as well. but it does get easier to get your thoughts more realistic if you put your mind to it and don't let yourself stick to the polarized thoughts. like, if you notice that you're veiwing an issue very starkly, rethink the situation and figure out what is more realistic.
it also helps me to make sure that i'm telling myself what i would say to someone else in the same situation. this is another thing that takes a bit of time to get good at catching yourself, but it pays off. you deserve the same treatment and quality of life that anyone else deserves. also, it can help to reverse bad thoughts about yourself, by finding positive things about yourself, which will eventually help you feel more confident and value yourself more.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
i try so hard to rethink situations and look at positives, but inside i only believe the negative to be true, i think somehow it justifies the suicidal feelings and adds to them.
i guess i just need to keep distracting myself as much as i can, i ended up posting a couple of random pictures of myself in the members section, i warn you when i say random, i mean, swimming arm bands and not much else :P
i am going to make it my aim not to cut tonight, i will fight this and even if i fall down, i can say i tried x
if something particular helped you last night, keep it in mind for the future.
changing your thoughts is really difficult, but for me it has paid off. even though i'm not completely there yet.
do you have any professional support to help get you through this and get the depression under control quickly? there is probably a councelor or someone at your school that you could look into to start
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
yeah, thats not the best way to keep safe..... if the walking helps you, maybe you could go to the gym and go on a treadmill? though that probably isn't open late at night
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I'm on committee for a recreational running society, so run about 3 or 4 times a week,unfortunately the last two weeks I've been suffering nausea and dizziness from the new antidepressants they've put me on,so at most I can manage a jog :(
