Therapy appt very triggering

a_soul_that_never_was · 26-02-2011, 01:01 AM

Things have gotten so very bad even dangerous over the last week. I had been trying to get an earlier appt with my therapist but they couldnt fit me in. My local emergency room just gave me something to calm me down and to help me rest and said see you therapist asap. My very soul and heart has and is being ripped a part with pain. So bad while the tears flow down my face the pain so intense I cant hardly breathe. Not a panick attack those go away and this wont. My normal harming wasnt working so I stepped it up to a dangerous level. I knew and know it is. I called the on call emergency head dr and he wanted me admitted but agreed to let me wait till morning because I had to settle things for my being gone with my online college I attend and let my children know. I had took pictures of the harm an the stuff I use so I could show them how serious this really is. I started bagging the things up as well. The next day I called admissions only to be told no beds were available. They also told me my therapist would have to speak to me and set up the papers first. My therapist ended up getting back to me late that afternoon and we agreed first for my gf not to leave me alone and see her the next day. Well, I saw her today and getting her attention I got very well. However, as fearful as i am I am going to end up accidentally taking my life by harming like I am I would rather have been put in the hospital while she did what shes doing. I was given 7 new scripts. Oh one thank heaven above I have taken before and it works great. I will finally sleep. For over a month now I have been very lucky to get an hour a day and when I do I bolt upright and feel hurt dirty and not right. I fear sleep but i dont know why. Anyways, a bunch of mood stabilizers anti depressants sleep med and anxiety meds start first thing in the morning. The problem is it takes up to two weeks for it to get fully in your system. Yes I have therapy next week but this pain is just so intense how do I get thru the next minute let alone two weeks? I know I am going to harm and i know I am going to be just as wreckless as the last few times. It is the only thing that dulls the pain for just awhile. Im not saying I wanna or I am planning. I just dont lie. I know how I am feeling right now and the darker it gets outside the worse my pain becomes. I pray to god to plz just for a few hours even half a hour take the pain away plz. I plead with him to tell me whats wrong with me tell me and i will fix it. I reached out for help and even though my therapist put me on new meds plus what i am already on nobody is helping.

erin654 · 26-02-2011, 01:11 AM

I'm very sorry that you're dealing with these problems.
I read in these forums a couple days ago that someone else was in a crisis situation similar to you, and couldn't get an appointment soon enough, so she called the therapist's office and explained how unsafe she was and they magically found an appointment that same day!

So try calling and voice your feelings to them! You are important and cannot wait!

If you need anything else, please feel free to PM me!

PassedExpectations · 27-02-2011, 12:20 AM

i wouldn't show photos of your injuries or tools to your children unless they are completely adults. particularly if they are kids or teens it could be really really harmful to them. and before showing them to anyone, i would try and get your therapists opinion on it. even just send her an email. its just that thats a pretty big measure to take, and not a decision to make lightly.

a_soul_that_never_was · 27-02-2011, 05:36 AM

lol. I am so sorry. I didn't mean I was going to tell my children about cutting or show them pictures. No way on earth. That is strictly between me and my therapist. I was wanting to show my words were not an exageration to her and I proved my point. I quickly deleted everything after the session. I take great pains even in the warm months to wear long sleeve shirts and blue jeans or long pants. This is my secret and when my sleeve accidentally lifts too high at a store and the questions start I quickly find a explanation other than the truth. Harming for me is not about attention and I am not proud of it. I would never want my children to know. I only told my children I was depressed and just needed to go in the hospital to get a tune up. My parents ruined me forever. I love my children more than life itself. There is no way I would ever harm them in any way shape or form. My demons are not theirs. I have protected them from everything I have been thru. I am getting what I wanted. I have two children in college one graduating high school in june. one is going to be a nurse the other a culinary chef and my youngest goes this fall to law school. The one thing I am proud of. I gave my children a loving life full of attention and playing talking acting goofy dancing laughing. We use to play five card stud with m&m's lol. They are and always will be my babies. My parents and ex husband took almost everything from me but they didnt get the most important.I keep a pic of them against my pc screen and smile every time I set at my computer. Children are so pure and innocent. I could never damage anyone like I have been. My life stephen king could not have even wrote a book that scary. I cant go in to detail here its against rules. Just know one song saved my life. its by rascal flatts its called im movin on. I listened to that over and over as my husband beat me every day. Every time he had me against the wall with a knife to my throat and uttered the sentence Only one of us is going to make it out of this room alive and it aint going to be you. I had memorized that song and the last time he did that I looked him in the eyes and said finish it. He saw I wasn't afraid anymore and backed off. I got my kids and ran like hell and never looked back. Between my parents abuse sexual physical and mental and my ex's my life is daily flashbacks fear of sleep and when i do sleep its an hour at most before i bolt upright scared and feeling bad but not remembering anything. My kids no nothing. They will never know. I am ashamed and I am dirty and I feel if I was just a better kid and wife none of it would have happened to me. I pray to god begging him to tell me what is wrong with me and i will fix it. I ask him why i am so bad and please help me be good. even my gf now shes so mean to me i would rather she hit me instead. Yet i ask why cant she love me. why cant i do anything right. i try to be better to do better. I cant wash the filth off me. I hate the person in the mirror. I hate myself. They were right I do deserve the pain. I deserve everything I get. If i could just fix whats wrong with me it would be okay but I keep being bad. i try so hard to do good things. everything my gf asks me to do i do. its never good enough though and i dont know how to fix it. my parents always told me i was an abortion. maybe they should have went thru with it. i dont want to hurt anyone. I hurt me instead.

PassedExpectations · 27-02-2011, 10:27 PM

*hugs* you obviously care about your kids a ton and wouldn't do that. i'm sorry i misunderstood what you meant at first.

i hope that at some point, hopefully soon, you can realize that what happened wasn't your fault and that you didn't deserve it. and that you can stop blaming yourself for what happened and be proud of yourself for getting through it and for finding the courage to take your kids out of that situation, because that is a huge huge achievement that takes so much bravery.