my self-injury summary thread *triggers*

[fishy]

I'm not really sure exactly what I want to do with this thread, but, I figured a good start would be to identify and evaluate my triggers and what are my current goals for "recovery."

Basics - I am 19, bipolar, ADHD, and am very depressed. I also have some sort of panic or anxiety disorder (undiagnosed as of yet, but I know it's there, there is no way a normal person has panic attacks as often as I do abut the stupidest crap).
I am very very angry on the inside, also resentful and frustrated. Suicide is something I think about on a daily basis because I'm tired of feeling physically sick all the time, but I'm too afraid to go through with it.

My Self-Injury Presents With
-Cutting
-Bashing body parts into walls/doors
-Biting hands or arms
-Purging
-Drug-use (vicodin/codine, marijuana and excessive caffeine)
-Self-neglect (not taking my vitamins, not showering and other neglect of hygiene, refusing to leave the house)

My triggers
-Family (cheesy as it sounds, but they do not "get" me, or accept me at all. I am a black sheep, and I feel so unloved. My sister is the worst cause of stress.)
-Death (I've lost both my parents already, so death is a constant fear in my life)
-Misplacing or losing track of things (ex; I lost my notebook, and after searching for it for an hour, and still unable to find it, I start ripping apart my room and breaking things)
-Being criticized for things out of my control, or when I don't know how else I could have done something
-Not being able to eat (I have IBS and potentially another undiagnosed stomach disorder that makes eating very painful and uncomfortable - triggers my eating disorder-thing?, especially)
-Being tired or sick
-Being frustrated (when frustrated I go from "0 to 10" in seconds.)
-My scars (they're embarrassing and make me ashamed)
-Unemployment (mine and my boyfriend's)

Current Goals
-To find a way to treat and reduce the look of my scars.
-To build a relationship with my sister, so that at least we can talk about some things without fighting.
-To restrict the purging to only when I feel physically sick, and not because I'm angry or upset.
-To take better care of my body.
-To fill out a minimum of 3 job applications every week.
-Schedule an appointment with a gastroenterologist.

Questions (I need specific help with...)
-My sister and I have never gotten along. When we were little I used to bully her, because my parents loved her more (they would spend ALL their time with her instead of me), and I was jealous. Fast forward 10 years, and she still hates my guts. I want to reach out to her, and tell her that I love her and care about her, and I want her to open up to me. But she always pushes me away. Should I wait for her to "grow up" more (she's 16), or if I wait am I going to lose her even more?
-I don't want to be hospitalized, but I do want to seek therapy. I'm scared if I seek a new therapist (I've been out of therapy for over a year now), they will immediately send me inpatient. How do I find a therapist that won't do that to me? Is there even a way to know? Being inpatient is never something that's been helpful to me (been hospitalized at least 8 times), it's just made me afraid of doctors and I can't go to hospitals any more because I'm so scared, even though I have medical conditions that *need* treatment.

[erin654]

I understand the bowel disorder thing. I had an undiagnosable diarrhea problem for 3 years! I just recently was able to get into a community program that hooked me up with a GE that took me as a charity patient. I've been all worked out now, and though I still have some problems, I can eat again and not get sick!!

As for your sister, I am 23 now and my younger brother will be 17 next month. We actually used to be best friends growing up but now he's kindof a pain. You know, a teenager.
I would suggest that you could write a note or letter to your sister explaining that you love her and want to have a good relationship with her. Maybe even hug her if she'll let you. Just be persistently nice and treat her well. She'll either get super paranoid of your intentions(could be hilarious) or she'll understand that you care.

I urge you to seek therapy! You're an adult and they can't make you go IP unless they find something terribly unsafe about you. Maybe make an appointment and be up-front about your fears of hospitals and doctors. Make them promise that they won't hospitalize you as long as your meeting other demands such as taking medication, attending regular therapy sessions, etc. A little give and take for everyone.

I feel like I can really connect and empathize with you, please don't hesitate to send me a message if you need anything! (I'm also kinda great with connecting people with community resources)

[tifflehan]

I too am bipolar. So I can understand that bit. Not sure what to say about the rest. I agree with the letter writing to your sister though. Reckon it's a good place to start. Take care and pm me if you need anything. xx

[fishy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by erin654

I understand the bowel disorder thing. I had an undiagnosable diarrhea problem for 3 years! I just recently was able to get into a community program that hooked me up with a GE that took me as a charity patient. I've been all worked out now, and though I still have some problems, I can eat again and not get sick!!

As for your sister, I am 23 now and my younger brother will be 17 next month. We actually used to be best friends growing up but now he's kindof a pain. You know, a teenager.
I would suggest that you could write a note or letter to your sister explaining that you love her and want to have a good relationship with her. Maybe even hug her if she'll let you. Just be persistently nice and treat her well. She'll either get super paranoid of your intentions(could be hilarious) or she'll understand that you care.

I urge you to seek therapy! You're an adult and they can't make you go IP unless they find something terribly unsafe about you. Maybe make an appointment and be up-front about your fears of hospitals and doctors. Make them promise that they won't hospitalize you as long as your meeting other demands such as taking medication, attending regular therapy sessions, etc. A little give and take for everyone.

I feel like I can really connect and empathize with you, please don't hesitate to send me a message if you need anything! (I'm also kinda great with connecting people with community resources)

Yeah, it sucks, really badly, and I just wish I knew what to do. I dread eating, because I'm scared of getting sick, or just the pain is enough to motivate me away from most food...But I like eating. Food is tasty! Throwing it back up because my tummy hurts...is not.

I will try writing her an email, I don't see her very often, but I do want to express that the few times a year that I see her, that I would like them to be more than just us fighting over stupid crap, because it's so rare and so special...thank you for the idea.

As for therapy...Medication has never really helped me. I've been on everything from Adderall to abilify to seroquel to prozak to zoloft to depakote to lamictal to...well, everything you'd put a seriously depressed bipolar ADHD person on that's legal for someone under 18 to take...I stopped taking my pills at 18, and I've actually made a lot of improvements since then, even my doctor was in approval by the time I'd stopped seeing him and moved away. I'd consider medication again, but, the doctor has to work with me, and understand if there are certain medications like lithium that I refuse to take (I've seen too many people who have become zombies due to it, and in the long term, have ended up with serious health problems, so it's not for me). >< Almost anything else though I'll try once.

I just hope they don't try to hospitalize me...On a day to day basis, I'm pretty stable, but it's that once a month or two where for about a week's time I completely lose my mind.

I think I'll try to find a therapist this week (or well, next, because it's about to be the weekend, and most offices are closed on the weekend).
Wish me luck!

[erin654]

Good luck, hun! Please let us know how it all goes!