Contains Suicide - Not okay. Not okay. Not okay.

Casper_Fading · 24-02-2011, 01:49 PM

Mat isn't here tonight. And he hasn't replied to any messages in the past few hours. Now, logically, I know he's probably just fallen asleep. But my head is in a bad spot and i'm trying really hard to not believe what it's saying to me... which is that he's trying to figure out how to dump me. Watching random bits of Glee and bawling my eyes out cause i'm pathetic. Kurt is being bullied and i'm having freaking mini flashbacks to getting bullied when I was younger and then thinking about being bullied at work which made me feel... awful... and then the torment Mat's siblings put me through? I'm wondering why I rang for help. I shouldn't have. I should have just let myself fade. Yes. I'm struggling. I have no blades or i'd cut. I'm putting extra pressure on my ankle cause it hurts like a bitch. I overused it the other day and it's really swollen and ****.

Why am I putting this here? Someone is probably reading it and trying to figure out how they can destroy me. But they shoudn't worry about it. I'm going to end up destroying myself without any outside help. Cause that's what I do. **** up. That's all I do.

I think i'm going to have a meltdown now.

:(

dollpart · 24-02-2011, 02:10 PM

*Hug*

I promise a more useful reply than that later, just wanted to show some support for now.
x

88shelz · 24-02-2011, 02:18 PM

is there anyone else you can talk to through this til your partner is able to talk to you? even a helpline? keep strong and try to think of the positives instead of negatives. the negatives always drag you down. x

Casper_Fading · 24-02-2011, 02:36 PM

He just messaged me. he fell asleep. He's gone back to sleep now. But it helped to hear from him.

Casper_Fading · 24-02-2011, 03:04 PM

Massive headache. Exhausted and should be in bed. But can't sleep. :(

Pomegranate · 24-02-2011, 06:43 PM

Oh Jess :( *leaves lots of hugs*

I hope you are asleep at the moment. Mat loves you, you know that hun. Please try and be careful on that ankle of yours! Nobody has the right to make anyone else feel like crap and when they do it is usually because they have their own issues. You should feel sorry for them because they feel the need to take it out on other people rather than deal with it themselves. I know that doesn't make it easy for you though. Please try and keep safe xxx

pea soup · 25-02-2011, 08:32 AM

im glad you heard from him sweetie.

try to get some rest. i know its hard to sleep with a bad headache. just try and lay in a dark room and rest.

love you.
xxxxxxx

dollpart · 26-02-2011, 02:52 AM

How are things now?
x

Casper_Fading · 26-02-2011, 01:29 PM

I is okay. Very tired. Had a big binge as well. but Mat is here. Holding it tofether.

Pomegranate · 26-02-2011, 06:16 PM

I am glad you are holding it together. I do think you need to use some of the time he is with you to talk to him and explain about your thoughts and what goes on for you so that he understands and you don't just bottle it up and become unsafe when alone x

dollpart · 26-02-2011, 06:58 PM

^nods. I get similarly distressed when my gf is away, and similarly paranoid about things like unanswered texts. Talking about it really is the best thng. even if you feel silly and even if he doesn't quite understand (it is difficult to understand), it will be a huge step towards an understanding. It might even mean that Matt is able to change some things too, like texting back whenever it *is* possible, so that you don't need to panic as much when it isn't (like when he is asleep).

Xxx

Casper_Fading · 27-02-2011, 07:54 AM

He messages me whenever he can. I know that. I love him so much. I'm so lucky :) I'm just paranoid

Casper_Fading · 01-03-2011, 01:59 PM

ugh. My assessment for DSP (disability support pension) is next thursday and i'm already anxious about it. It's seriously freaking me out. I'm convinced they're going to just look at me and think "wtf is she doing here? She's fine. Look at her. she can smile. she can obviously function, she needs to get off her ass and go back to work"

I'm scared. I'm seeing my counsellor tomorrow and I have to tell her because I need help to manage. but... i really just want to cut. I'm going on a holiday in 10 days with my man for our one year anniversary and i don't want to be ****ed up while i'm away... but what the hell? i'm panicking. I don't know if i'm going to be able to do this :(

dollpart · 01-03-2011, 08:22 PM

Hey, *you* know that you are not fine. You can back that up. And they have to give you the support if you are not fine. So even if they thought such unsympathetic things, f*** them. You need to do what is best for you and if at the moment that means getting support everywhere you can and not working, then so be it. Good luck at the appointment, I really hope it goes well.

Are you worries about the holiday specifically? Ten days is quite a while, I imagine I'd panic too if I wasn't feeling quite up to scratch and had to go away for that length. It's hard but try and focus on the positives of it. Matt obviously cares about you, knows you have the issues that you have, and probably wants to do everything he can to make sure those ten days are good ones. And that isn't to add pressure to the pressure you already feel to be "ok". That is just to say that he sounds willing to work with what is possible and help you push through the times where it's not possible not to be a bit ****ed up.
Does that make sense?

*Hugs*

Hang in there.
x

Casper_Fading · 02-03-2011, 08:14 AM

Turns out my counselling appointment was yesterday. My counsellor wrote the wrong day on the appointment slip >.< When the receptionist told me I burst into tears. Embarrassing cause the waiting room had people in it. Rescheduled for monday. Mat is on his way up tonight which is good cause i need a hug. The holiday is scary cause i'm afraid something will happen. Buuuut Mat will be there and he'll look after me. He knows when things aren't going well and knows how to look after me. i'm so lucky with him.

I'm so tired :(

Nats · 02-03-2011, 09:56 AM

Hey sweetie!!! First of all don't be so hard on yourself. You are strong and that strength is revealed in the courage you are showing to all of us at RYL to share!!!

Has anybody taught you about how to use deep breathing into the stomach to alter your consciousness? It takes time and practice but it works. Focus just on the breathing - nothing else. Take a deep breathe into the stomach area. Hold it for a few seconds and then release the air as slowly as you can. Just for a few minutes. Over a period of time this can help to slow down the brain and help you be the one who controls and manages the negativity!

Actually I think I might go and do some of that now!!! LOL to you!!!!!!!!!!

Casper_Fading · 02-03-2011, 12:08 PM

The deep breathing is sooo hard for me and my counsellor and I are putting it on the back burner for now. Every time I try and focus on my breathing it makes it really hard for me to breathe. So until my anxiety is managed we're letting it go. I've been having a lot of hot showers lol. It helps a bit. I also play on the Kinect but at the moment i can't cause my ankle is screeeeeeeeewed. My cats are being really snuggly tonight and mat is here too. So i'm okay atm.

Thanks for the support :_

Casper_Fading · 02-03-2011, 12:08 PM

That was supposed to be a smiley face!

crazykat · 02-03-2011, 12:14 PM

Glad you've got Matt there for you. Thinking of you hun xxx

Casper_Fading · 03-03-2011, 08:03 AM

Thanks Kat Kat :)