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Caught Off Guard
I told my boyfriend a few days ago that I started cutting again. When he asked me why I told him "it makes me feel better" to which he replied "well isn't that just positive?" It wasn't discussed again after that...
My BF was raised to not talk about your feelings, so things like this rarely get discussed.
Tonight I ran my bath (which has become a ritual for me, involving my cutting) and went to take some pain killers because my joint problems have been really bad today. My BF was making dinner and he asked me "are you still cutting?" I was completely caught off guard and felt this horrible pit of guilt in my stomach. "yes..." I told him meekly. "Are you going to stop?" he asked me... I didn't know how to answer that. I told him "I don't know". When he asked why I told him "BECAUSE" and hurried into the bathroom.
I felt SO terrible. I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame. The thing is, I want to stop FOR GOOD. I've never been able to make it even a year, and have been cutting since I was 15 (am now 23). I'm on new antidepressants (which so far don't seem to be doing a thing for me), am in this self help program called "Bounce Back" (just started, haven't gotten my first lesson in the mail yet, but should get it soon) and am back in counseling (my second session is tomorrow). I also ordered that book "Bodily Harm" as it's supposed to have the proven method to stop, and I figure it can't hurt to read it at least. So I am taking steps to be healthy, and to quit cutting... but I'm not ready to outright quit, and I want to have help in doing so.
I want to talk to him about all this, but I was so caught off guard. Now I'm not sure how to bring it back up :S
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