well, for three days i have been trying to get my therapist to get in touch with me. she called today but another call came in at the same time and it knocked hers to voicemail. she was suppose to call after five. that call never came. i had been pleading with her office and they even felt it was urgent. my soul and my heart are being ripped apart with pain. I cant catch my breathe and its not a panic attack those pass. Tears fall silently down my face. I don't know whats causing the pain but I know what it is causing me to do. My harming reached very dangerous levels. Tonight I am even in fear myself. I know I am going to go to far and accidentally take my own life. I did the right thing. I called the on call emergency head dr and he talked to me then my gf. He wanted me there hours ago but I had to tie things up and my gf is making sure I dont harm. I am in college and they have a no excuse policy about your assignments so I let my professor and advisor know whats going on by email. I know when I get home my college life will be over even with this serious of a situation. First thing tomorrow i am being admitted. I have been day dreaming I walk thru those doors and it all just goes away but I know its going to take time. I will be getting medication adjustments and one on one therapy. I will be in a place where I can't hurt myself. I hate going in the hospital. This is my eigth time. Once before and now I am the one who called for the help. I know if I dont go I will no longer be apart of this world. I want to laugh again. I want the tears to go away. I want my soul and heart back and to be able to breathe again. Stay safe and know I will be
