I'm finding myself wishing to get a broken arm, or leg, or serious illness, just to "get away" from the stresses of uni for a while because I really feel like I can't handle it at the moment.
I haven't acted on these urges, mostly because I don't really know how to go about breaking something. But when I get in the car I think about crashing it, and if I cross the road I hope someone hits me. I don't want to die, I just want something to put me in hospital for a week or two and give me an escape from all this stress.
I feel like a horrible person for wanting this, because so many other people are actually suffering in hospital and don't want to be there.
I just can't cope with everything at the moment.
Last edited by makedamnsure : 06-03-2011 at 12:39 PM.
I think you have identified the reasons for wanting to harm yourself to this extent. However I don't think harming yourself will allow yourself to escape, the problems will still be there. Is there someone you can talk to at uni to get a bit of extra support with everything?
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Ironically enough, I'm supposed to be going to a relaxation thing organised by the counselling service, but I think I might be too busy at uni to make it!
If I do go I might ask about getting counselling though, just to tide me over the next few weeks.
Nothing I can do about the workload unfortunately as my supervisor is really pushing me hard and I can't turn around and tell him its too much. It will ease off in another month or so anyway, I just need it to be better NOW!
I just really want a break.
And the only way they'll give me the time off is if I'm ill or injured.
I know what you mean, i've felt like that before. Tbh, i often walk across the road and think 'god it'd be good if i got hit by a car'. Pretty good to know that someone knows that feeling.
I also know what its like to feel overwhelmed. I gave up sixth form for that reason. I couldn't keep up with the workloads, so I just quit. But did end up starting college and doing a course i loved, and the mentors there were really understanding as I saw the college counsellor and she expressed my need for extra time and support. Is there any kind of counselling you can receive at uni?
Hope everything works out xx
~If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see.. you can find out first hand what it's like to be me..~
WhichyWay is my baby sister.. I love you baby girl ^_^
I can relate to this.
Ultimately though, even if you did seriously hurt yourself, you would be under far more stress from dealing with the implications and complications of that. It would make things worse, not better. I know that to be true because I've been so physically unwell with my ED recently and it's made uni work and things much more stressful. It hasn't been a break at all, and I fear the same would be true for you.
Things could go horribly, horribly wrong. What if you were severely brain damaged? Or needed a leg amputating? Dealing with exam pressure is nothing compared to coping with something like that.
There are far healthier ways to give yourself a break. I KNOW (believe me, I really really do) how stressful exams are and how difficult it can be to relax and just take some time for yourself and forget about them for a while, but how about going away for a few days? A change of environment can really help. Or having a night out with friends?
Taking a break is really important. If you continue to be so stressed, you are likely to become ill which would seriously compromise your ability to study. Taking a night or a weekend off might do you some good.
I know how impossible that might feel, but at the end of the day getting ill over this isn't going to help - it will do the opposite!
Gosh. Sorry, this is really rambley. I hope it makes sense.
Please look after yourself.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Proxac Smile: My mum was actually killed crossing a road a few years ago which makes my thoughts even more distressing and wrong. I wouldn't want to actually die, because I know how much pain my loved ones would feel, but just to break a leg or something so I could have a rest.
Mikey, thank you again. I got exam results back today and they are not as good as I hoped for, which is making me feel worse. I'm going to have to do something to deal with how I'm feeling.
At my martial arts class last night everyone said I looked really ill and like I was close to collapse. I felt physically ok, and had eaten, but it felt good that someone had noticed and expressed concern and told me that they care. I think those feelings of needing/wanting to be cared about are also behind these thoughts. Although that sounds really attention seeking.
I can't ask for sympathy or caring if I self harm, but if I was in an accident, or collapsed due to stress, they would want to help, and give me support. I feel like I'm close to breaking down, and I would like someone to notice, and help me before I get to that point, but I'm not able to ask. I have expressed that I am feeling exhausted, and that I want to give up, even that I want to break my leg, but because I am functioning outwardly no-one seems to understand or take seriously the severity of this and desperation that I am feeling.
There are also other feelings jumbled into all this that I'm not sure about, but will try to figure out later. Something about coping better when I have a "real" problem to deal with.
Sometimes, unfortunately, we have to really shout out loud when it comes to letting people know how things are and asking for help. And you have every right to ask for sympathy and support if you are struggling the way you are. Saying that you are exhausted is a good starting point, and people are noticing and do care, but they can't know how bad things are for you unless you tell them! People aren't psychic.
Please talk to somebody. A friend, a tutor, maybe the University Counselling system, and be honest about how you are feeling. I understand that physical pain feels almost easier to express and get help for, but they way you are feeling should justify as much support and help as if you had broken your leg. It's just that when you break a leg, people immediately can tell that there is a problem. With mental health problems it's up to you to let them know!
Please look after yourself love, I'd hate for you to do something you'd regret.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I keep visualising huge gashes on my arms, and dreaming about it, so the first thing I want to do in the morning is make them real. It gets easier to deal with throughout the day, but I'm sick of wanting to hurt myself every time I see a fraction of the bare skin on my arms.
But then if I do hurt myself its just pathetic little scratches and not as deep or as wide, or as neat or as perfect as I'd imagined so it doesn't really help.
I don't know what I want from this.
Sorry.
EDIT: I have not ever hurt myself severely enough to need stitches or medical attention and I feel like a failure for that.
Last edited by makedamnsure : 06-03-2011 at 12:40 PM.
Do you think you could ever self-harm 'badly' or 'perfectly' enough?
What would you actually achieve by hurting yourself more severely?
I understand what you mean, but it's a slippery slope and in actual fact, harming yourself more severely will cause you far more pain and distress. Going to A&E for self-harm is an extremely unpleasant experience. I don't know if you'll take on board what I'm saying, because sometimes things need to be experienced by you and words aren't enough to get across just how awful it is, but please believe me when I say that it's a good thing that you aren't seriously hurting yourself.
I can almost compare what you are saying to my anorexia, in that I feel that my weight is never low enough. Perhaps that might help you see if from a different perspective, because I'm sure you'd say to me that the number on the scale actually doesn't matter in terms of how mentally unwell I am. The same is true for you.
In terms of getting triggered, perhaps you could try making sure you keep your arms covered as much as you can?
Please keep posting about how you're feeling. I hope it's helping you, even if just a little, to write about it.
Take care love.
xx
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Thanks. Its definately helping writing it all here.
I do understand what you are saying.
And you're right, it would probably never be enough.
And I would hate to go to A&E and have to go through all the questioning and referrals to counsellors and whatever.
But at the same time I want to be able to totally self destruct and cut myself to ribbons, and I just can't.
I'm actually starting to resent my boyfriend sometimes, because he is all that stands between me and self harm. I don't cut badly, or often, because I know he will be upset and probably leave me and that would be worse. But if it wasn't for him I could do what I want to myself without anyone interfering.
I can understand that feeling.
But ultimately it's a good thing that you can't self-harm that much. It's a very short-term solution, and I know for me that when I do it I always feel worse afterwards in having to deal with the consequences of it.
Does you boyfriend understand your self-harm? Is he sympathetic?
And if it were me in your situation, what would you say to me?
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Which is good in a way, because it means I can't get away with doing it often. But bad too, because it means that when I do, he won't speak to me for days which makes everything a million times worse. And means that when I do it I want to make it "worth the hassle".
I had a chat with him last night about it, and said that it was kind of ineveitable that I was going to do it, and so I was warning him in advance and he said that I'm not allowed and if I do then I have to leave.
I don't think he would actually kick me out, but I know it would take a while for him to forgive me. And I hate that he doesn't try and help.
I even dropped a load of hints that I was stressed, and if I wasn't allowed to self harm then I'd need some other way to relax myself, thinking he'd offer a hug, or a massage, or to buy me a bottle of wine or something and got zilch response.
I just wish I could hurt myself without suffering the consequences afterwards, but I know thats impossible.
