A soul and heart in pain being ripped apart triggering

[a_soul_that_never_was]

Five weeks ago my therapist started readjusting my medications due to increasing depression when I suffer from bipolar 1 which i almost always mania instead. Three weeks ago she took me off one of my mood stabilzers completely and was suppose to increase my prozac the following week. I got the flu which turned into something worse so I had to cancel but I rescheduled for the following week. Then I was notified my therapist was canceling my appt because she had clinic all week. I don't get to see my therapist until friday. Since being taken off the one med and not getting the increase in prozac I have become in very bad shape. I called yesterday for help but I forgot it was presidents day. First thing this morning I called and they paged her and marked it as a urgent call back. Hours later with no return call I called back. They connected me with the voicemail of the on call Dr. again marked urgent. Its almost midnight now and no call. Last night was really bad. I went off on my gf. I wasn't yelling but instead voicing my pain in things she has done to me. Tears were rolling and my heart was breaking and my soul and heart were being ripped apart. I've been feeling like that for weeks now. My soul and my heart is in so much pain and I cant even breathe. I was very abused almost all of my childhood in all forms. I was made to marry a abuser. Every relationship after has had nothing but mental abuse and chaos. I am bipolar 1 borderline personality disorder ptsd self harmer and anorexic. My type of harming had become not enough so tonight I can take it no more and I take it a step further. I get dangerous with my form and take it to a deeper level. I took pictures for my therapist with my cell phone so she can see without being suicidal I am going to unintentionally end up going too far. Taking it to a more serious level helped for a little while but not even a hour later I was back at it again. This time it worked along with more clonopin than I am suppose to take. I have to have something to sedate me until I can get the help I need before I end my life accidentally. Even if I keep calling and not getting the return call I need so desperately I will sedate myself until my appt. The emergency room cant handle a person with my problems so they give me something for anxiety and to help me rest for the night and tell me get an appt with my therapist asap. I drive an hour away to a larger hospital hoping for help there and get the same thing. Unless your suicidal here your not hospital material. So I am not hospital material and I am hurting myself. My mental state is far from solid. My therapy appt isnt until friday so where does that leave me? It leaves me harming until the point I realize I have to stop and sedate myself. I have no one to go to. No friends or family to talk to or help. My gf is so emotionally detached truth be told I dont believe she loves me. Its all about her family. She knew from last night and this morning I told her how I was feeling and three times she took off to her mothers for hours. I needed her. I crawl in the closet and I rock myself. Years ago she would crawl in there with me and rock me. Now its just me longing for her arms around me rocking me and talking to me in that sweet soothing voice. She would do it until I fell asleep and then carry me to bed. Now I rock alone and sing to myself with my eyes closed and drift off. I awake about 4 am est alone cold cramped and still in the closet. Why do I have to be me? Someone please let me escape from myself for just a few short hours. I beg god please help me. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be normal? Why can't people love me? I never get an answer instead I come to my office close the door and harm until I make myself stop and go sedate myself. I am not a fan of pills. Ive never done illegal drugs and I stay away from alcohol. I am faithful with my head meds. Now I am exceeding my prescribed dose of clonopin to sedate me to get me thru till friday where hopefully my therapist will help me. I am not asking for a miracle. I am just asking for help. My harming is the worst I have ever harmed. So much for progress. i apologize for those who find this triggering but I did warn. I am in a very bad place at the moment. I need help and I cant get it. Stay safe everyone and you are all in my thoughts. thank you for letting me be heard

[Prairie Gal]

I'm sorry Lovechell69; I truly am.

Not sure where you are. If in Canada, there are mobile crisis units which you can phone, and they will come to your place to be with you and get you the meds and help you need... two or three caring professionals who work as a team and are angels. All for free.

Is there a suicide risk phone line where you live?

Your girlfriend may care, but she's likely overwhelmed and scared. This is no doubt very hard on her, too. She's probably worn out as being a caregiver day in and day out does become very stressful.

Don't give up. You are a precious person and can get through this.

A BIG HUG to you.

[a_soul_that_never_was]

The united states doesn't have kind of program like that. The best we have are crisis lines. Suicide is not even a thought for me. I don't want to end my life. I know that with the way I am feeling I am becoming more dangerous in my harming. I am taking it to new levels. I have thought that I may unintentionally lose my life to self harm. My gf does not love me. We live in the same house and the biggest conversations we have is what is for supper or do this do that. She is not my caregiver. By far that is so wrong. I am if you want to put it nice her caregiver. I clean the house. I get on hands and knees and scrub the floors with a brush. I do all the cooking and laundry. I cut her food up for her fix her drink and bring all her meals right to her. Her ever command I do. Do this do that go get this go get that you need to everything is about her wants needs feelings and makes me feel like I am nothing. It cant be overwhelming when she doesn't even ask how are you feeling today are you okay. There is no show of concern or sign of wanting to know what i am thinking or feeling. She watches my tears and doesn't utter a word. all offers of setting in with therapy with me denied. books and internet information and sites dismissed. When I need her the most and when we just need to be spending some quality time together she can be found at her mothers house with her mom and brother. her own sister got tired of the hurt they inflict and moved to kansas. we talk several times a week. when i had my surgery last month and my gf was in the hospital she was the only one who called to see how i was if i needed anything and the morning of my surgery she called at 6 am est to pray with me. she called me throughout the rest of the day and night checking on me. She was outraged that right after my surgery my gf demanded i bring her some things to the hospital then sent me home because she wanted private time with her mom. I wasn't even suppose to get out of bed. I ended up making myself bleed and ran into the surgeon who was very angry with me and sent me home. Her sister flipped out when she called to check on me later that night only to find out I was at the hospital with my gf again. My gf had called demanding i keep her company. i was in so much pain i got one of my gfs friends to take me to the hospital carrying even more heavier luggage. I didn't even bother telling my gf I was bleeding bad or call my surgeon or walk downstairs to the er. I dealt with it on my own. Nobody can convince me that my gf loves or even cares for me when everything is always only about her. The time for me is when she falls asleep and i sneak out of the room and close myself up in my office. a place for my tears and my harming and a nice cozy closet i made with pillows and blankets. I take care of me. There is not another soul that even cares if i exist. my therapist called a hr ago but it went to voicemail before i could get it. Shes suppose to call after five and she is very very worried. my session with her is friday but she feels this needs to be addressed now. she knows ive tried the er's and they wont help me. Im not gonna lie and say i want to kill myself to get in the hospital. Suicide was a part of me many years ago and i stopped and not once have wanted to do it since. i hurt myself. i dont hurt others. my soul and my heart are so tormented and i can find not even a second of a relief. I need help and i know enough to know that yes i was having problems five weeks ago with it but when they started redoing my medications everything intensified tenfold. I think this is a combination medication problem and a desperate need to talk to my therapist. I love my gf because i remember that first year when she made me her princess. we laughed and loved danced cuddled we did everything. I desperately want that back. She wont even be in the same room with me. This isnt about her anymore. this is about my pain. my well being. getting help before something goes wrong. My soul is screaming as tears roll down my face please help me. Is there help?

[Prairie Gal]

Thanks for setting me straight about your gf. Sounds like she is actually a big part of your SI... since she uses you and causes you so much pain. I'm glad you could get some of that anger out and show us whats hurting you.

You will hopefully have some good support from your therapist.

There is hope. Don't give up!