Where do i start? at the beginning i suppose, up until november i was your typical care free student in a relationship and had things going good. Then out of the blue i got dumped and my gf was with a new guy a week later :(
This is when my life changed and got alot deeper and darker, that day i tried killing myself by jumping infront of a car (someone pulled me away) i then slashed my arms with a blunt knife and fainted from a panic attack.
Since then i have been seeing a gp and 2 counsillers weekly who are trying there upmost to guide me as i cant seem to myself.
I have been and still am very suicidal, i frequently visit where i want to jump and then use techniques to pull myself away. sometimes its easier then other times.
I have lost all emotions though, i do not get angry/sad/happy....anything. So i cut myself because i feel pain, and its the only thing i feel i can control.
I have been on various antidepressents and just started on sertraline, which seems to be giving me dizzyness,nausia and hasnt helped with my continious insomnia.
i have scars (albeit some shallow) but many red and very obvious, this doesnt bother me to much, but seems to effect people close to me and because of this it becomes a struggle for them.
With my friends and family i have been very open and honest with everyone and this helps, but i havent met with any other people who truely understand me and my logic, i guess thats why im here.
I just feel empty, and broken as no emotions get through no matter how much i try
Thank you for reading and i hope i can help others as others will no doubt try and help me
First- welcome to RYL :) I hope you get the support you need here!
I'm sorry to hear you've had such a rough time :(. I can relate on some of the things you've had trouble with... like not feeling/showing emotion. I have to mimic how other people act to know how I'm supposed to feel. *hugs* I don't know if you're too happy about it, but, I'm really glad someone pulled you out of the way of that car. You've got a second chance at life, and it WILL get better!
It's also good you've been getting help and finding other coping techniques :) I hope you've found that as a positive influence! It's so hard to be so open with family and friends... that's a great accomplishment.
You're not alone in this. I've gone through periods of time where I've been absolutely hopeless and wanted to end it all. I still have those moments from time to time, but now I look ahead to the future for reason to live. I'm still here, and happy to say so :) You can make it through these trials! This can only make you stronger in the end.
I really hope you're alright! You can always send a PM if you want to talk about anything
*hugs and love*
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
Basically my worst problem is that I don't feel, and I have to use distractions to get round it. At night is when I struggle though. The weight just seems to collapse on top of me and all I can do is fight it and it literally becomes 50/50 to as if I cut or not.
The only person keeping me down is me and I honestly can't win,the future has gone and instead it's been replaced with even more emptiness.
Not that this will do much help or anything, but, there's a song I know that sounds a lot like what you're going through. I don't know... I've just found I can really relate to it. If you want to check it out, it's "Self-Inflicted" by Smile Empty Soul.
I wish there was something more I could say to make it better *hugs* Again, I really do hope you're ok.
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
Hey Ady, welcome to RYL :) I hope the site is going to help you some. I'm sure there will be lots of people who can understand you to an extent.
I'm sorry your life took such a turn, but I too am glad you're still around. It's good that you have help - and as the previous poster said, it's very admirable that you're open and honest with the people in your life. That can be very hard to do, but it's important.
You say nights are harder to deal with - that's the case for many people, including me. Is there anything you can think of to make that easier? Sometimes being around people helps me (even if it's just watching TV with the parents, it keeps me from hurting myself), and only go to bed when I'm exhausted enough to sleep right away. Calming music is also helpful.
I go through times when I'm really numb and unfeeling. Times when I can even acknowledge that I'm not feeling anything, but recognising it is not enough to change it. I wish I knew how to get through that quickly, but usually, for me, it just sort of takes its course. Eventually I return to "normal" for a bit.
Have you tried writing, for example? Sometimes when I feel empty and can't even voice what's in my head, I just start writing down whatever comes to mind. At times it turns out I can write a great deal, after all, even if it's jumbled and disconnected.
I'm not saying it's easy, but life can improve. If you work on getting better, you can make your life more meaningful and worth living. I hope you'll keep up talking about what's going on for you x
Normally i have friends in my room till about 1am or 2am, but due to insomnia its another 5 or 6 hours before i can even start to drift off to sleep. One of my counsilors has asked me to keep a sort of diary and write down what it is that im thinking while bad, i wont go into too much detail but it pretty much reads that my easiest and best solution is to end the torment in my life and the hurt that this is causing others. i know 4 months isnt a perticularly long time for some people, but for me it now feels like my life.
i did develop a drink problem where i was having 15pints,15 shots and probably more that i dont remember, because this helped the nights to disappear, but i realised it was just another form of harming, and probably one that did much worse.
i dont know the ages of people in this forum but im a 23year old male, and i havent really came across anyone else like me, and i dont know what that shows about me.
I really do try and put on a clown face for others and hide the sad face below, but is it worth it when i dont feel a thing?
x
Hey Ady, it's good that you're getting help, and I'm really glad you've lived to be getting it.
I understand how it can be difficult to last through nights, I have that problem as well. Do you know what about the night makes it more difficult for you? My problem is that it's quiet, and I have more time to my thoughts, and no one is around to reassure me. I find ways to distract myself, like watching TV or listening to music while drawing. Things that require a bit of concentration.
Sorry if it wasn't much help.
Please take care, and PM me if you need anything.
x
Chase
I already told you my whole life story
and not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
It's probably 110% different
Hey,
Yeah it's definitely the quietness and thoughts at night that effect me the most,because that's when it's me against myself and no one else can really help.
Yep you name the tv show I've probably started to watch it....hell I even watch the shopping channel :( nearly bought a blender!!!
Maybe you could try walking in the evening if you can't sleep? It's a useful distraction for calming yourself down, and it tires you out a little, so you sleep better. Plus, my favourite part - no people or cars at night.
Have you spoken to your doctor about everything that's going on at the moment?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Yep im very honest with the Dr about whats happening and he is trying to guide me through it and give me tips on how to get past certain obsticles.
I quite often go for walks but so many times i end up at the place where i planned to jump from, its a horrible moment when you look up at the building and go it would be so easy to do it right now
At the moment my GPs main focus is to find some medication that suits me.
One of my counsillerors is focusing on my thought process and trying to get me to become more aware and deal with the issue.my other one is focusing on my support network and helping me sort my uni work and tactics.
All are concerned with my cutting and suicidal thoughts and they try and make things very routine driven so I can get into a pattern.
So my support network is very large,but when I'm alone all those hurdles are lost and it's just me against myself.
I'm dying to live but it seems like I'm only living to die
X
