I cant stop the pain Its not enough anymore triggering

[a_soul_that_never_was]

My emotions, my heart, soul, and mind have been in a battle of a lifetime these last few days. Sometimes I feel nothing (absolutely nothing) and have to harm because it bothers me that bad. I think What am I? Mostly, My heart fills so full of pain like someone has their fist around it squeezing and it is going to burst at any second. My soul lost wandering around going unnoticed. My mind racing with thousands millions of the most painful things that has happened and some that still happens and it makes my mind even hurt confused on the brink of insanity. I stayed up last night after my gf went to bed. I knew what I was going to do and waiting was taking my breath away. No it isn't pretty. No it isn't cool. I was hurting so much I didn't think I was going to make it to my office. My harming has never been this bad. I can't even do it enough and it no longer is giving me what I need. I have to have more. I've got to have a pain more than the one that controls my mind heart and soul. Something to stop this madness. I even did multiple piercings last night. I have future plans of more piericings and a tat. My therapist told me many of times before Its just another way I harm myself. Maybe it is but right now i can't even say i dont want to. I cant harm enough to drive whats eating away at me away. My gf came to me in my office today and asked whats wrong? You look like you lost your best friend. I just said the truth. I don't know. She says tell me and I look up tears rolling and said again the truth. I don't know. All I know is I am in pain. Why she ask? I don't know. Tears are flowing I am hurting and I dont have the answers. Therapy isn't until the 25th. Its been two weeks due to me being sick then her having clinics. By the time I see her three weeks. She can't make me stop though. Shes great but I am lost. No friends, family children that don't want me. I'm in this huge painful world where people that were never suppose to hurt you in ways that makes you nothing are no longer there in person. Yet they haunt me with memories nightmares. They damaged me when I couldn't even say whole sentences. Most of my life they did and then handed me over to a person who would continue on for almost two decades. This isn't about feeling sorry for myself. This is about hating myself. This is about feeling like I am dirty. This is about not even knowing who I am or if I am. Just a few hours pain free is all I ask. Just a few hours and I will never ask for anything again.

[LiRaLim]

I hope that you're feeling better. You should know, that regardless of all those people who don't want you, there are people who want you, like your girlfriend. If they don't want you, sucks to be them. They don't know what they're missing out on.

It's great that you're being honest with her. I haven't ever told anyone, and while I come close, everytime, I get better, and then I think, 'What am I doing? It's just going to worry them, and I'm getting better anyways.'

You have to remember, to believe that life will get better at some point, that as unlikely as it may seem at this point, it WILL get better. One day, you stop, and wonder to yourself "Did I really do that? Why did I think that?"

The people who hurt had no right to do so. You're a great person. You came asking for help and support, and you deserve it, because you're better than the horrible people who hate you. None of them should've hurt you. Have you talked to your therapist about them?

Hating yourself, is probably the worst thing that anyone could ever go through. Physical torture is potentially bearable, if you can remember that it was never your fault, but when you start to believe what they say and you start to hate yourself, then life becomes unbearable. You're not dirty, and I agree, you deserve at the least, a few hours, if not the majority of the rest of your life happy(I can't say all the time, 'cuz we're all going to hurt once in a while.) It will happen with help and time.

Lastly: You are not dirty!!!! Why would you think that? It's the people who hurt you who're dirty. I'm guessing that you mean that they hurt you when you were a child? In that case, they deserve to be condemned to all nine levels of hell simultaneously. They're the sick, wrong people. You're better than they are.

Stay strong, and if you ever need someone to talk to, PM me!!
<3Lira

[a_soul_that_never_was]

Yes my gf knows about my harming but it was not by my doing. We have been together eight years now and I have managed to keep many secrets. Harming being one of them. My legs are to messed up to harm so I had to find other places. The legs were easier to hide. A few weeks ago I lifted up to get something and although I wear long sleeves she finally found out to her horror what I have been doing. I owed her an explanation and I am always honest to a fault. The problem is explaining the best I can was not something she could understand. I bought her books and even gave her some good sites to read up on harming. I offered to let her be in the room when I am in therapy and we talk about the harming. She seems to think because I harm because I need the pain I must want to end my life. I gave up because I couldn't explain that wasn't even close. I must have made it seem my gf is supportive and we have a good relationship. It is true I love her very much. My gf has her own dysfunctional relationship with her brother and mom. She has let them do a lot of horrible things to me and I said nothing because it's her family and it is not in me to hurt people. A month ago she was in the hospital and her mom assaulted me threatened my life and broke in to our home three times only wrecking my office. A nurse witnessed the assault and even told my gf I did nothing. I never moved. I just sat there and let it happen just as I have all my life. When I went home to feed our dogs later there were messages from the city and county police wanting me to press charges. Victims advocates were sending me letters. The officer who I finally spoke to wouldnt even let me enter my home without calling 911 and having the police secure the house. I let them take pictures of my leg. Her mom had bruised it from upper thigh all the way down to my knee. It was her mom so I wasn't going to press charges but I did ask her to let me get a order of protection. With my history I needed it more than anything. She told me no her mom was old and might die and she didn't want her mom served with papers. My gf has been very mentally abusive over the years. Therapist have told me I had to get out and I did for two years. Shes been in therapy as well for a long time and after two years of being apart when she dropped to her knees and begged for another chance I loved her too much to say no. There is so much but to much to go in to. The point is I really dont have at least my gf. There is no pity for myself. I don't whine and cry about the things that have happened to me. I can't after all these years stop believing I must have done bad things and there is something wrong with me. My children are grown and abuse is still part of my life. My gf thinks I might end up wanting to hurt someone. That is so funny because if she really knew me she would know the only person I care to hurt is me. Tonight she was in her computer room and she knows the last few days I've really been in bad shape. I was on the sofa in the living room tears rolling down my face with so much emotional pain I was struggling for air. She never even yelled to me Are you okay. So am I better? No, I am much worse in fact. I've been harming tonight looking for the release I need so desperately. It was very short lived. My type of harming isn't enough anymore. I need to hurt more. Not to a dangerous level. I feel like everything that has happened to me is crushing me unto the point there will be no more heart and bones nothing but dust. I had a therapist who told me you have to feel the pain to work thru it. How can you do that when it takes your breath away. Your heart is in the grips of someones hands and they are squeezing with all their strength. The flashbacks leave you in agony for hours after they pass. Your scared to sleep because when you do your nightmares wake you with your own screams. I've done the letter writing. I've done so many coping skills it makes me sick. I relive my life piece by piece every therapy session. I've done the confronting. I've tried to stop asking why. I can't stop asking myself whats wrong with me that other people have always seen and I cant. Ive prayed asking what is wrong with me tell me and ill fix it. I examine everything to that I do to see if that could be one of the things bad about me. I try to understand why my mom and dad always told me I should have been an abortion. I try to understand why my sister and daughter ganged up on me years ago and accused me of the most horrid things that sparked a year court battle resulting for once with the truth. All charges dropped. My own sister and daughter said and did the cruelest things to me. I try to understand why a week ago after thinking I am safe from my mom because she is in a assisted living facility states away is now living with that very same sister and my very same daughter is helping her take care of my mom. My family has nothing to do with me so I had the pleasure of seeing this on my facebook page. Not only are my sister and daughter betraying me again but I am not as safe as I thought now. It was a year ago my mom somehow found me after years of hiding showed up at my door to tell me she is going to kill me. Every issue every terror every nightmare every flashback every second that I am in so much pain has intensified ten times over. I do feel dirty. What my parents did to me what my ex husband did to me will always make me feel sick to my stomach. I am not safe. Harming is inevitable. Those few hours without pain I want so much just a dream but at least it is a nice one.



nobody can hurt me without my permission (gandhi)
I do a good enough job hurting myself (michelle)

[LiRaLim]

lovechel(May I call you that?)

Have you heard of the cycle of abuse? It's when someone who was hurt(abused in any way, physically, mentally, emotioanlly, or sexually) grows up, and they find themselves being hurt again. You're not the only person stuck in this cycle. You need to break out of it. It doesn't sound like you have the most supportive girlfriend, and maybe, if she isn't good for you, you need to leave her, because you could find someone better. If she's hurting you, letting her family hurt you, and not standing up for you(the restraining order), you need to leave. It's not a healthy environment, especially since you're hurting already. I don't think that she cares very much for you.

Her excuse for not wanting the restraining order is flimsy. Everyone is going to die eventually.

One day you will get better. You have to keep trying. Don't give up.

It sounds like your girlfriend and your family aren't that great, and that you would most likely be better off away from them. Have you thought about talking to your therapist, a lawyer, or someone? You could move away, change your name, and start over again.

Stay strong, and don't give up!!!
<3Lira