have to harm whats wrong with me triggering

[a_soul_that_never_was]

How to even explain what is going on is even beyond words. I feel so much emotional pain yet I feel so empty. Ive missed two therapy appts. One I was sick second therapist had clinics. I never do well when I am out of therapy that long. I held on as long as I could. I hate harming but I also know for me it's the only thing that helps. I ask myself am I a total fruitcake. I have to hurt myself to feel better? I wish I had someone who I could face one on one and talk to but that isn't a option. I've been doing what I normally do when I harm. I've locked myself in my computer room. My gf comes knocking she needs helps sees the blood I missed and oh boy. She starts going off its all because of these reasons she says. Why I even bother trying to tell her shes wrong I don't know. I just want to scream at people this isn't about you its me. Just leave me alone. I hate that I do it but I hate when I don't. I say I dont' pity myself and I don't. These nightmares that are my reality refuse to release their grip for even just a second. How do I win a war in my head when I am fighting it alone? Sleep isn't even a sanctuary for me. Even then I am haunted by my life so I chose long ago don't sleep. Of course if I sit still long enough i doze off. Present demons and past ones I thought I had dealt with are washing over me like a water fall. Nothing has meaning. What I once enjoyed now holds no interest for me. I spend all my time harming because I don't know how to make my demons go away. I have to harm sometimes just to see that I am alive. Sometimes because If i am not being hurt I have to hurt myself but now today because my monsters are tearing away at my heart and mind. I thought once would be enough. Seems bad days thats all I do is harm. It would be great if there was a injection you could get that would make you stop. It would be nice if you could get a injection to make your demons and nightmares go away. I call the crisis line and I talk but I end up mad. Every I understand they utter makes me want to scream at them NO YOU DONT!!! I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wish I could take a day break from being me. Be in some body thats happy and nothing bad ever happened to them. I feel so pathetic. Nothing is helping. No I absolutely don't want to end things. Been there and not going back. GRRRRRRRRRRRR if I could shake myself I would. This is not a good day for me. The scars and the humilation of people asking what happened isn't even enough to stop me. I want to scream at my therapist give me a coping skill that works. I've done it all and it's not getting it. I know where my day and night will be spent. I wish I could say i was stronger than that but I feel so weak. One word was all it took to set me off today. My gf said MOM. After that it was all she wrote. Her mom major my mom big huge triggers for me. I wish I could just get in the car and drive until I can't anymore. Lack of money prevents that. I thought posting would help calm me down. You know like writing in a journal keeps you from harming sometimes. Well neither are working right now. Stay safe all I gotta get off here.

[PassedExpectations]

hey, how are you feeling now? have some of the emotions passed?

do you have your next therapy appt set up? if you don't i'd call in as soon as i could to arrange one.

[a_soul_that_never_was]

No the emotions only got stronger. I forced myself to go to bed and needless to say my pain relived over in my dreams. I won't say how much but I will say by far this is the worst and most I have harmed myself. Everything I ususally do to stop it isn't working. The thoughts feelings pain and emptiness intensified a thousand. I don't have therapy until the 25th because she is in clinics. I didn't even bother trying to hide I was going to harm from my gf today. I just told her Im going in my computer room you know what I am going to be doing please leave me alone. Her question to me Why? How can you explain what you do understand because they can never feel it? How do you explain what you dont understand when if you knew you wouldn't be going thru hell. One of the biggest things that helps me from harming is staying busy nonstop until I pass out from exhaustion. Example instead of using a mom getting on my hands and knees with a toothbrush and scrubbing all the floors. Jack the music up and it takes hours to finish and then lead into another chore that you can make time consuming. The problem with using that as a diversion is I now have pnuemonia from overworking my body not eating or sleeping. I've been sick for two weeks now and even on antibiotics its not kicking it. So I'm stuck to weak to move off the chair being hit with every emotion possible and pain so intense with only enough energy to do one thing. My therapist told me something last session and it upset me. She said when the pictures or thoughts and pain come stop and bring on a good memory. I have been in therapy for more years than I can count. I've heard that one.. I've tried it a lot. I just want to grab her by the arms and tell her tell me something new I beg you help me i dont want to do this. Find some miracle cure to undo that which has made me a soul that never was. My open emotional wounds refuse to heal. My memories refuse to relent. Every day the first thing I say is please not today let me have some peace if even for just an hour. I overcompensate with people because I feel if I am a good enough person my hell will go away. I give and I take what people dish out to me and I don't even fight back. I just sit there and let it happen. Every time traumatiizing me even more but helpless to stop it. Why? My dear mom and dad taught me to believe I deserve nothing but pain. That I am and always will be a nothing. Never look anyone in the eyes. Dont speak and even if you do its too stupid. So I keep my hair long to cover my face. I wear make up as a mask to try to hide whats inside. I always look at the floor. My voice a whisper. Watching on the floor in front of the sofa so hungry as my dad and sister and brother eat and when i try to take a bite I get pushed on the forehead back so hard. My parents had four children and I am the only one who suffered abuse at their hands. I am the one they said should have been an abortion. Their sex toy for them and to share. My abuse so bad my therapist tells me I will be in therapy for life. So I ask myself how do i stop harming. Why do i believe what my parents told me about deserving pain? Why do I have to hurt myself just because they said? I don't expect answers from anyone here. I just needed to have a voice in a world where I have none. Thank you and Please stay safe.

[PassedExpectations]

wanted to let you know i read......

you don't beleive them because they are wrong. completely wrong. the things that they said and did to you were meant to be able to control you and make you feel like this. they aren't the truth. they aren't anywhere close to it.

[a_soul_that_never_was]

I thank you because you took the time to read my words. I thank you for your wise words. I want so much to not believe my parents. I spent years doing things like dropping out of school and then I did a reversal. Sixteen years later I got my GED. The act of overachieving began. I am almost two years in on my bachelors for web design interactive media and computer programing. I have maintained a 4.0 gpa. Everything I do has to be perfect. Yet it never is perfect enough. I wont go into details but I will say I was physically, mentally, and sexually abused by both parents. I was nothing to them. The more pain they inflicted the better they felt. For years I have tried to understand why out of four children was I chosen. My therapist says stop asking why you will go insane. I am glad my siblings weren't harmed. It would be nice if they would talk to me instead of ignoring me because they would have to see how lucky they are. I can't make friends. I choose not to. If I do I get hurt and I believe I have had enough of that. What do I have in my life? College online music my poetry my journals my gf and weekly visits to my therapist. The things I love and once had passion for now hold nothing. There is a void and I don't know how to fill it. Every single day I am not spared the flashbacks. Every night when I can fight sleep no more my nightmare of a life unfolds in my dreams. I'm not leaving this world to god takes me so don't worry. I try to find a reason some value in myself. I spend my life going out of my way to please people and buy them gifts and as my therapist says its my way of trying to buy love that I never feel I can have. This time of the year is very hard for me. Winters take me to a dark place. I am not safe now. I am harming at a rapid pace and i want to stop. I fight it but the only time I feel a release from all that is making my heart feel like its going to explode is when I harm. Then I am silently telling myself how pathetic I am for doing it and then I do it again. Stupid cycle happening over and over again and I have great mental help but so far nothing has helped me stop. I know you have to want to. Oh how much I want to. When my hell has me on the brink of madness I've got to stop it. I want a life. I want somebody elses life. Like the song by pink goes dr dr wont you please prescribe me something. a day in the life of someone else. I'm a hazard to myself. Dont want to be myself no more. I want to be someone else. I dont run from my problems. Every therapy session I face my worst head on. I get told it will get easier over time. How much? Its been years and my pain is just as bad as when I started. I look at my children and I can't even comprehend how someone can hurt a child. My own children won't talk to me because of their abusive dad. I gave and give them everything without them asking. My abuser gets their love. I was only two. My parents took a two yr old and turned her into this wreck of a shell that has to hurt herself. Why am I not in the hospital? Harming isn't trying to end my life therefore no grounds. My turmoil again not life threatening no grounds. I've already been in seven times. I still come home to the same monsters all I did was take them to a different place with me for a few days. I will give credit where its due. My therapist I am with now is a perfect fit. Its hard for me to feel comfortable with anybody but I do with her. My previous therapist of four years well we finally hit a brick wall. My opionion I wore her out. I was taking too much of her energy to help me anymore. She just dropped me without letting me know. I only found out when I tried to make a appt. Its for the good though. New therapist new approaches new beginnings and just maybe the road to recovery. Well, again my emotions have taken over my hands and assaulted you with so much time in this post. Please everyone Stay safe. I have to believe not all is lost. I know each of us has our own demons none any less than the other. I know my life sounds like I am not capable of it but I am a lot better at helping other people than myself. I will always be here if anyone needs to talk. Thank you for reading this and thank you for giving me a place to come to and feel like I am not a freak. A place to be with others that are like me.

[a_soul_that_never_was]

I forgot to touch on one emotion. Anger. I'm suppose to be mad at my parents right. I can't. Instead I look in the mirror and beg the reflection to tell me whats wrong with me. If it would only tell me I would fix it. I never get an answer. So I ask myself through out my days whats wrong with me why am I so bad. I look at other people and try to see what they are like so maybe I will be right. Who am I What do I want What makes me happy What brings tears of joy to me? I don't know. I merely exist in search of answers beyond my understanding. My gf tells me theres nobody else on earth like me. She says I am the most loving caring giving person on this earth. I hear those words but I dont believe them. I believe in a higher being and i pray so hard. It seems I always ask for forgiveness for my sins because I believe thats all I do. I pray for him to tell me whats wrong and Ill fix myself. I beg please help me. Where is this anger i should be feeling towards the ones who hurt me so? It's nowhere because my heart still just wants them to love me. My heart would let them do anything to me just if they would love me. I just want to be loved. I want a family. I want to belong. I don't want to be the mistake my parents told me I was every single day of my life. I want to know why I am a mistake. If there isn't anything wrong with me why does my ex husband (abuser also) get my childrens love and my children wont even talk to me. I'm not asking anyone here to answer these questions. i guess typing them I am trying to answer them myself. I know what I am going to do when I get thru with this. Im not preplanning it and I dont want to do it. Is there a word beyond pain?hurt? heartbroken? Is there a escape from your own mind? I only know of one. The rules say dont make it sound cool or glamourous. I ask myself how in the hell is this either. Its a lot of things but anything related to nice pretty and glamourous its not. Our pain is real. Our feelings are real. We come together and talk because for a while it makes us feel better. Sometimes it even stops us from harming. Sometimes it is just wanting to let people know this happened to me. There are people out there in the world that can do those kinds of things do those kinds of things to their own children. Every one of us a different reason but not one of us will claim it to be anything close to pretty. Ill be thinking about all of you in this community tonight. Stay safe and thank you for always giving me a place to have a voice. I try not to break rules and if I am I am so sorry. i dont want to trigger anyone either. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I had done that. I hurt me not others. I would never hurt anyone.

[R-Jay]

Just letting you know I read...sorry I don't really have any advice or the right words. But I'm thinking of you, hope you're ok. Please try to stay safe. xxx