THIS COULD BE TRIGGERING. Sorry I haven't been on in awhile...
I've been going through therapy for awhile now, but my therapist had a baby so I haven't seen her and won't see her for awhile. I'm happy for her and the baby, but I still can't help but think that this is the worst timing for it.
My dad and I have been fighting. There's arguments over what house I need to be staying at between me and my parents who have been divorced for 4 years. And right now I am really terrified I might be pregnant. Also, I've just been generally feeling down...
So I have relapsed, I guess you could say. Two days ago I cut myself again. Today, I did it again. My boyfriend hates it when I self harm, and gets extremely upset... I am tempted to hide it from him, but it would be worse if he found out on his own... **** I don't know what to do. I hate saying this, but I really don't want to stop harming again. I went about a month, started, and see no point in stopping. I like it too much. But he would be so hurt if I told him...
I guess I just don't know what to do. I'm so stressed, and my antidepressants don't seem to be working (even though they doubled the dose 2 weeks ago).
Life:
it's all about perspective.
So when it isn't going well for you,
just try looking at it in a whole new way.
I know how u feel sweet. I don't think my anti depressants are working and my dose has been tripled in the last 6 months. I always feel like hiding my self harm from my boyfriend, but i just know it will be worse if he finds out on his own :(
I'm constantly triggered atm, and he says he always wants to know if im thinking it, so i tell him, but then he just gets funny :/
Hope ur feeling better, did u find out if u were pregnant or not? x
~If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see.. you can find out first hand what it's like to be me..~
WhichyWay is my baby sister.. I love you baby girl ^_^
I am sorry you're going through a hard time right now! *hugs* My advice may not be the best, but here it goes.
First off, I know how stressful it is when you and your parents fight. My Dad and I would get into fights as well over whose home I'd be staying at. (my parents are divorced also.)
I also understand feeling like you need to SI and not wanting to stop sometimes. I am in a similar situation right now.
Last night i text my bf and said i needed to cut. he went thru all my distractions with me, and i tried all of them. in the next 2 hours my arm was still itching to be cut and he told me he wouldnt be angry if i did but could i try to keep it to a minimum. So i did one cut, fairly small but fairly deep.
He keeps telling me he's not going anywhere but i still get terrified he'll leave me if i dont stop soon, but knowing that hes trying to be understanding helps.
Try talking to ur boyfriend.. try what we do, tell him all your distractions and get him to go thru them with u and support you.
hope ur feeling better xxx
~If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see.. you can find out first hand what it's like to be me..~
WhichyWay is my baby sister.. I love you baby girl ^_^
Im sorry your struggling agian, It sounds like your not so worried your pregnant, but how about taking a test? to rule it out, If you feel self consious then try find a store that does self check out and but a coupple other things as well to put in the basket for while your queing. I know lots of girls who do that when buying condoms or tampons.
Now with your parents. Try sitting down (or going for a walk if you prefer) on your own and decide who you would like to live with currently, which would make you feel most settled & which is easiest. Try not to think to much about who will take your desscion worst or get annoyed at you. Tell them your choice tell the other its not permenent (though dont set a time frame in case you don't want to move) if your switching homes then you can say that youve spent some time here (a) and now would like to spend some time at B, if you want to stay they say your feeling settled right now and are not ready to move/change yet. Its very Hard when parents split but it was their descition & its not fair on you to feel like the centre of a tug of war.
As for your boyfriend, I think your going to have to tell him your struggling atm & have cut because of how your feelings. I agree with above tell him about your distractions. Not telling him is adding more stress & pressure on you so i think its better you do.
Cutting in its self, I understand your feelings of "why not" and not wanting to quit it was my biggest hurdle in quiting properly to the point of counting months rather than days of not cutting. I think for you right now you have a good one though... Your boyfriend doesn't like it. Cutting obviously isn't a good way of distracting your self from bad feelings because its abusing your body, SI makes you tired from anemia, isolates you as its not socially accepted (nor should it really be) and emotionally it sets you up to not cope with every day life & dealling with difficulties (ie. the habit) or even at its worst deal with any emotion even happyness without wanting to cut. Try write your self a list of Why NOT to si start with your bfs name at the top, then things like , Will feel less tired, Prove i can do it, Shows im strong (not that a relapse mean your weak, your still human & dealling with an adiction/habbit) ect.. Also right your distractions down put them on the same page of youw Why Not List (like in two colums of the page)
I hope some of these Ideas will help you, Look after your self! Goodluck!
Ps; definatley get a new counceller while yours is away, they should get one sorted for you but hurry them up! & if you are pregnant then your going to need to find someone proffesional to talk to (oh and a baby is also very much a point for your Why Not list)
