21, at uni, just don't know who or what i am anymore, just existing with no meaning
I've recently found the 'vets' pages, and wondered if anyone here could maybe help. I just don't understand what's wrong with me, but no-one really understands this feeling (I'll explain in a mo) and there's no 'adult' people around me that'll take it seriously.
Okay, so I think I always thought like this as a chid, but adults do tend to brush it away and told me not to be silly and not to think about things like this. Over the past few years, there has been SI and an ED and depression for reasons I won't go into, and all of which I'm getting help with and I'm getting through recovery currently. But recently, all questions I used to think about are surfacing again...
Things like, what happens when we die? Why are we here if we're just going to die? Do we just stop existing when we die? There have been millions of years before us and millions of years after us, so what is the point of being here? I don't understand who or even what I am anymore. It's going round and round in my head. Everything is starting to feel very pointless, very illusory, very superficial and I HATE this feeling. It really upsets me, and if I think about it too long, I do start crying, so I try and block it out (though that's when the bad habits tend to come in again). And unlike the other problems which can come to the surface and then be dealt with, this just seems so fundamental to being human, such an unknown that we're never ever going to understand, that it can't be 'made better' - I know I can't ask for 'proof' of something after this life, but being completely honest, that's what I desperately crave at the moment.
One of the main things that triggered this off, together with the other probems, is that I used to be religious, but uni + therapy for the above + my degree (theology!!) has kind of put an end to it - and I don't regret coming out of religion because it did feel very superficial to me and not what I believed (this isn't intended to be offensive to religious people at all, the reason I don't regret it is because being part of a religion has also let me appreciate how very much it shapes someone's life and belief about the world, so please don't read it in that way. I'm not an offensive person, I promise.)
But now I feel like I'm stuck in this world, looking at everything in a really detached sort of raw kind of way, like I don't know how to start making connections and meaningful associations between things that happen in it again. I've not really got anything left. I've had to rationalise all my negative irrational thoughts away in my treatment for the above, but that's left me facing a world that just doesn't make sense anymore.
I must just say that I do have lots of wonderful people, family and friends, around me who I love and who I know love me. I'm in my final year of uni hoping to do a postgrad. So I've got things to 'live for' if you see what I mean. And yes, I do enjoy these things when I'm involved in them. But no matter what I do, I feel like I'm never going to shake this, what feels like a gap / void / empty part of my being, my soul, or whatever you want to call it. I know a fixation with death is often a sign of depression, but to be honest, more drugs (I'm already on some) won't stop these unknowns always playing on my mind all the time, will they? I just need something REAL. Some meaning to this life. I'm flirting with ideas currently of looking into paganism and shamanism, because those spiritualities (which I guess is what maybe this is also...hm, mental health-spirituality...a fine line, huh?) seem a lot more connected to the REALITY of the world, you know?
Okay, so I'm not sure any of that makes sense, and I know it sounds ridiculous, which is why I don't ever really speak to anyone about it anymore. And I know there's little anyone can do, but if anyone, anywhere reading this can either relate, or suggest maybe avenues I could go down, or has/does feel like this too so I don't feel so intensely alone, anything is absolutely welcome. Thank you for getting to the end of this if you're still reading!!
"My comfort would prefer for me to be numb, and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become..."
I don't have advice really, but I wanted to post to let you know that you are not alone in these thoughts. I struggle a lot with the "unknowns" as well. Also, I have been religious in the past and then lost it all for various reasons. It does make you wonder what the point is.... However, obviously, you're never going to know everything. There are always going to be unknowns. And it's okay to think about them, but don't let them take over your thought process. Try to live in the present moment rather than thinking all the time about the future. If you feel like you are doing something worthwhile now, then the future doesn't seem as formidable.
You don't sound ridiculous either. Feel free to PM me anytime.
<3
forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past - buddy wakefield
But now I feel like I'm stuck in this world, looking at everything in a really detached sort of raw kind of way, like I don't know how to start making connections and meaningful associations between things that happen in it again. I've not really got anything left. I've had to rationalise all my negative irrational thoughts away in my treatment for the above, but that's left me facing a world that just doesn't make sense anymore.
This is maybe the hardest part of "getting better"- everything you have clung to has to be unpicked and it makes the world seem different to how it was. It's hard to handle since even irrational or negative thoughts keep you grounded in the world, right?
I understand what it's like to have wuestions like that playing on your mind. You're right, drugs can't blot out something like that. You're obviously intelligent and maybe that is part of it. Intelligence+ tendency toward depressive thoughts sometimes= questioning things, to the point where it is actually making things difficult (if that makes sense). Whereas if you were less smart, or less inclined to depression, then the questions would level out and not trouble you so much.
Personally, I have kind of blotted out the kinds of thoughts you describe, partly because of similar reactions to the ones you get: people not understanding, you not understanding yourself, feeling like it is ridiculous. It isn't ridiculous... Everyone needs something to hang on to. You'll find it.
x
Thank you. Both of you. You've both posted really beautiful things. And thanks for being honest about it too. I'm fed up of those reactions you've also described, and even though there are no answers, thanks for making me feel like I'm not so alone - and not going mad!
You're totally 100% dollpart - that's exactly how it is atm. Really sad to know you feel it too, so means a lot that you shared it. I do often think, why don't more people think about it, and yep, completely agree, its a lethal combo to some personality types.
Laura, it's literally the only thing really keeping me together, is living in the present moment. I've stopped planning ahead into the future now, where I don't have to, and am consciously trying to live and appreciate every moment.
"My comfort would prefer for me to be numb, and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become..."
It isn't ridiculous at all. I think anyone with half a brain has thought about these deep philosophical questions before. Gosh there are whole lifetimes, thousands of books, theories, whole religions asking those questions and attempting to answer them!! These existential thoughts are important to ask and to find your own answer for. That is if there is 'an answer' or 'a truth'...don't get me started on that one though...
....although normal, yes I think if you've suffered from depression you are perhaps more prone to it than others. Especially if you are quite a sensitive person too, you perhaps notice things that others do not. Painful to reconcile with that....
I wouldn't want a drug to stop the thoughts you are describing. I know they are painful but life can be painful and sometimes deeply lonely. Why would you want to get rid of something that makes you human? If you just take a pill to get rid of the existential lonliness feelings are you not denying your existance?
Rationalising thoughts is useful as it offers perspective but it is not the same as denying feelings. I can be deeply angry at something minor to the point where I cut myself but I will still be able to logically rationalise that my cutting is an over-reaction...it doesn't mean my feelings are any less real or any less valid. There is a difference between rationaling feelings and eradicating them. Love, hurt, lonliness, pain, fear - that is life, just because a feeling is painful doesn't make it wrong or needing to be fixed.
A few years ago I was going to lots of different religious places and meeting loads of people with beliefs to try and answer some of these questions. I felt lost and wanted somewhere that i fitted - heck i still do deeply crave that and I'm still just as confused as I was back then....but I remember one time being so depressed and angry and saying to an religious elder that I wish I'd never been born and she said - 'but you have been, you can't change that'. It literally stopped me in my tracks...I had never thought about it in that way before. I was so stuck in myself I'd lost completely what I was seeking....
Sorry for that personal indulgence...all I wanted to say is that there is nothing wrong with these questions you are asking. They are painful and terrifying questions but they are so important to ask! Just don't miss the bigger picture...don't get stuck in the pain that you miss the joy...the afterlife is important to think about but so is enjoying your life right now in the present.
Have you ever heard of mindfulness....it is about being in the moment, it sounds similar to what you are doing....being completely non-judgemental about everything, even your feelings. One day I would like to be able to do this, right now I'm still too childish in my emotions to see beyond them.
You are not alone. The questions you ask are hugely important.
I do often think, why don't more people think about it, and yep, completely agree, its a lethal combo to some personality types.
