Stupid and triggering....

pea soup · 13-02-2011, 07:42 AM

Ok...

So, the last few days ....i have been snorting a certain med. it's a legal med and it takes all my depression away. i've done it about 3 times but now i'm out. i know i shouldn't be doing it!! i don't know why i even started!! i feel like a stupid idiot.

im soo depressed right now. tomorrow is our anniversary and im majorly depressed and feel guilty for it.

i just now managed to go to the store and get something for Kelly but even that took effort and that makes me feel guilty.

i want to break a bone. ive never done this as self harm but i remember the pain of my arm and ankle and i feel i deserve it right now. i know i could do it but Kelly would be upset. she's sleeping right now and im thinking of ways to severely harm!! im losing my mind. i was doing so well just a week ago.

its so crazy how i go up and down so much. its taking a toll.

i want to feel better. i want to sleep so i will feel ok for our anniversary. we cant go anywhere to eat because i spent the last of our money on her gift.
im so tired of being broke all the time. im so tired of everything, im very low atm....

maybe tomorrow will be better?

dollpart · 13-02-2011, 05:57 PM

*hugs*

how are you doing now? what's the situation with the med?

i don't have much advice, except you're *not* stupid or bad for thinking or feeling the things you do... you got kelly a present, which is really good :) & i know being broke takes its toll on your moods & relationships, but the fact you spent the last of your money on her shows you're kind and thoughtful- even in the midst of feeling s**t. xx

CagedBird · 13-02-2011, 10:01 PM

Half of me wants to ask what this legal med is....I know that is bad to ask or even suggest but....well yeh....I secretly would like to find anything to make this whole crap easier. I'm assuming it is unhealthy to take via snorting or in large volumes...must be powerful to take away the pain etc.

The rollercoaster is exhausting. My dr always asks 'but you remember a time when you felt better don't you?' which always makes me think she doesn't really understand. It isn't about logically remembering, I can remember, but I can't remember!! If that makes sense??

Like what dollpart said....I think it is very kind to spend the last of your money on a gift. Says a lot. I hope tomorrow is better.

Casper_Fading · 14-02-2011, 06:36 AM

You went to the store and got her a present even though it took alot of effort! That will make your gift worth even more!!!! You should be proud that you went and did this! I am.

Mandimoo · 17-02-2011, 01:18 AM

hey hun, in future why not make a gift like a card using fallen leaves or something and use the money to buy something nice for dinner. loves, mand x

Pomegranate · 17-02-2011, 02:05 AM

*hugs Rach*

No breaking bones! And no beating yourself up either. I mean it. That is an order *squishes* You are worth a hell of a lot more than that.

I also agree that the snorting of this drug is not a good thing but since you already know that and know it is also your decision at the end of the day whether or not to do it then I can't and won't really say much about it. I don't think engaging in a 'new' form of harming is good though or helpful to you apart from the very brief relief you might feel. I know how appealing that is but you have gotten through feeling worse without it before hun and I know you can do this now as well.

Reread your positive posts and try and focus on what you felt when you wrote them.

How was your anniversary in the end? How are you doing now?

xx

ˈsäləˌterē · 17-02-2011, 02:46 AM

I whole heartedly agree with Emma! That ankle caused you such grief! I do wish you'd take care of yourself Rach! You've learned so much about your self n how strong you are lately. You don't need one more thing to struggle with!

pea soup · 19-02-2011, 01:44 PM

hi guys and thanks so much!

i havent snorted anymore. i got VERY sick the night after and vomitted for 5 straight hours. it was horrid. i will NOT do it again.

our anniversary was great.

today is my birthday. i am 34. i feel soooo old. i didnt get a cake today because my mouth is completely infected. im back on antibiotics and back to the dentist on monday. i am sooo sick of this. it hurts so bad and the meds make me sick.

i think they are missing something. i think the infection may actually be in my jaw and thats whats causing all my teeth to decay. my jaw hurts terribly all the way to my temple which is kinda scary.

but all in all things are ok. im quite depressed but havent harmed and have been crying which is good. i did have a period of dissociation last night, i guess due to all the stress.

thanks again for all the support.
love to all.
xxxxxxxxxx

Casper_Fading · 19-02-2011, 02:59 PM

I totally happy birthdayed you first! Cause i'm ****ing awesome that way!

I'm soooo happy you're not snorting anymore!!!! This is good! Yes.

Talk to your dentist again about your suspicions!

I love you very muchly!

ˈsäləˌterē · 19-02-2011, 11:15 PM

Happy Birthday Rachel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Grace~ · 19-02-2011, 11:21 PM

i know i belated birthday you on fb...but happy belated birthday to you again...glad youre not sniffing stuff still, but sorry to hear about the infection..hope it clears up soon,,,,snuggles xx

pea soup · 22-02-2011, 12:47 AM

thanks everyone :)

today has been stressful as hell. my sister has yet again upset me but oh well...

the dentist is sending me to a specialist. the roots of my teeth go very deep into my sinuses and he thinks that there may be something wrong in my sinuses that are causing my teeth troubles. I go march 4th. im on more antibiotics and a few pain meds. codeine is my friend for pain. but it wont last long. he never gives much.

I'm missing keith really badly. He didnt call me on my b-day. It's the first time ever that he hasnt called me :(. My aunt said she even told him to but he didnt....

Kaleb was out of school today for president's day. tomorrow the school week starts...

I'm just so tired and I feel physically weak all the time. I want to be well physically and mentally. I saw my psych today also...just for med refills.

It's been a busy day and I'm looking forward to watching the new episode of "House" tonight, lol.

Thanks everyone for your support.
loves.
xxxxx

Casper_Fading · 22-02-2011, 01:02 AM

I'm sorry he didn't ring you for your birthday love! *cuddles* I guess the teen years have truly begun! I love you honey and hope that things pick up a bit soon!

crazykat · 22-02-2011, 01:04 AM

Rach sorry things are so hard for you right now but your doing so well to keep going Hun and well done on not snorting anymore. I'm sorry Keith didn't call but try not to take it too much to heart boys are terrible at picking up the phone. Please take care though

dollpart · 24-02-2011, 12:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pea soup

I want to be well physically and mentally.x

:) We know you do. & that's why you should keep posting and not label your threads "stupid" or feel bad about them. This is all part of the (long, tiring, strenuous) process by which you will be okay.

Hope things get better for you.
Glad the anniversary was good too. Which episode of House are you on?

Xx

Pomegranate · 25-02-2011, 11:59 PM

*kicks Rach then runs away leaving a note*

How are you doing? I know you are disappointed Keith did not phone but like someone else said....he is a teenager, I seriously don't believe it is because he does not care or anything like that! How is the tooth? Did the psych have anything enlightening or helpful to say or suggest?

*lots of hugs* xxx