Falling.

[only left over tears]

I'm supposed to be perfect.

I'm supposed to be the person that finishes classes with ease. The person that will listen when you need a shoulder to cry on. The person who is strong. The person that is confident about her body. The rich girl. The author. The artist. The nerd. The computer-geek.

I can't do it anymore.

It's all just turned in to a mask. Half the time I smile I know that I don't even mean it and am just putting up a mask that will shield my real thoughts from reaching the surface.

I don't feel like the person that I should be and I need to be that way. I need to be the perfect girl that is expected of me. I can't let them know that I think that I'm a fat cow, and the only reason I haven't got an eating disorder is because I think I deserve to be ugly. I can't let them know that I'm freaking out because my Psychology teacher resembles an old teacher that emotionally abused me when I was younger. I can't let them know that when my mother smiled at me when I was in depth of sketching that the drawing is an image of a noose, a bloody razor, and a slit throat. I can't let them know that I am anything below perfect.

I started cutting about a year ago, but it got serious about two months ago, and I cut with a razor whenever I can. I started wearing long sleeves more often and my night table drawer is filled with empty bandaid wrappers and my tools and a melange of bandaids.

It just....getting worse. I cut harder and harder. My sketches are darker and darker, images of death and warped images of what I think I look like. I know it's wrong,b ut I can't stop. There are times that have became frequent in which I just want to die and I just sit and plan my suicide. I've never got far enough to actually do it yet, freaked out before I actually killed myself, but I've been close and I have many plans of how to go in my mind.

I'm absolutely terrified of myself. The dark side of me that likes to cut, thinks she's horrid looking, and just wants to die is becoming more-and-more dominant and the perfect girl, the mask, is crumbling. I told my friend recently about the emotional abuse from when I was young, and she just...didn't have much to say. I've been having nightmares most nights since the new semester has started.

I wish I could stop but I can't ruin the perception that people have of me.

[PassedExpectations]

please take out the specifics about what you use to hurt yourself.... we don't want someone to pick up an idea of how to hurt themselves from someone else.

as you know, keeping up a facade takes a huge amount of effort and leaves you feeling really bad on the inside. you don't have to be perfect, nobody can, so its an unattainable goal. besides, perfect people wouldn't be very interesting and people would get frusterated with how flawless they are....

do you have anyone to talk to about how you're feeling? maybe theres a councelor at school you couled talk to.

[LiRaLim]

Being perfect. That's what kills me and what drove me to cut at first, I think. I'm the oldest daughter, and I was always expected to set a good example. They were always comparing me to other people. "Look at ______. He studies so hard. He gets such good grades." And then, my sister's grades just dropped, and they worried so much about her that I didn't want to worry them. And I still don't

And then, even when I got good grades, it was always "Why isn't it a 100?" My dad still does that once in a while. Jokingly, but every time he does it, just another cut when I get home.

And I can't stop cutting, to show that beneath the happy, smiley perfect girl outside, I'm not that perfect. I'm hurting and I need someone to help me.

I want to tell my parents too, but they're worried about my sister and I don't want to worry them even more. But eventually, we're both going to have to tell people. And the reaction's not going to be pretty, but confrontation with them, with our inner demons, our fears, is the only way that we're ever going to get better.

PM me if you ever need someone to listen or talk to.
<3Lira. Stay Strong.

[_Nemesi_]

The stress of being perfect is one of the reasons I started SH too, all the pressure my parents put on me, all the times they make me feel like I disappoint them everyday, when they look at me with disgust, when they tell me that if I don't become successful in life they'll kick me out and never speak to me again, that if I try to escape their control my dad will kill me.

You should never live your life on someone's expectations. Everyone is different and has different dreams and a different story. Who expects you to wear a mask? Just people who don't care about you will want you not to be yourself; if someone really loves you, they accept you for who you are.

About the abuse, don't you have anyone else you could speak to in person? Or maybe post it here if you have never told anyone but that "friend"? We could support you, and speaking about it helps most of the times.

Try slowly to let go of the mask you're wearing, let the real yourself come out day by day, you'll see who still stays with you cause they love you for you and who goes away cause they loved the person you aren't. As you said, you can't go on like this, so give it a change, I know it's hard but you can do it.

About the SH, try to throw away all the tools you use and leave just the smaller one, so to be less triggered but still not to feel completely lost if you suddenly stop SH. You have to do it slowly, it will take time but hopefully it will help.

PM if you need anything, I'm always here to listen *hugs*
Take care x