Obsessive thoughts of hurting myself

[Susu.]

Every so often i'll get into a downward spiral and i'll start obsessing over hurting myself worse. It'll be in my head and whether i do it in a matter of days or in a week it will happen It begins with me searching out a 'window' of time and thinking things through so that if i panic i know what i'll be able to do. I get so calm about it - i know what i'm going to do, how i'm going to do it and when i'm going to do it, and it will happen.

I guess i'm saying this because recently the obsessing has started again and as of yet it has never ended as anything but me having to take that trip down to A&E. But i guess this time it struck me to ask myself why i want to do this. What am i getting from it? Is it the relief it brings? The calmness? The care from medical professionals? The feeling that i deserve this?

I think it's all of those things. I think that my way of relating to people is so off kilter that getting care through medical attention is part of it and i hate that, i know that's not how it should be.

I guess i just don't know what to do. I'm fine with the fact that this is going to happen but even that is off kilter in my head because at my last session with my psych he says that is one of the most frustrating things that people find with me - that i'm so blase about it, that i profess it to be fine and that i don't seem to care about it. He thinks it's an illusion and that im not ok with it, i can't get him to see that i really am ok with it, i have accepted it...

I don't even know what i want from this post... I just needed to say it. Do any of you get into these obsessive periods when you know there is no option but to let it happen? Do you fight it? Have you resigned yourself to it? Is it weird that i seek out windows of opportunity where i know there will be medical help available if i need it? does that make me attention seeking or just careful?

...I'm so confused right now.

[DaSom]

I try not to self harm for as long as possible for my family. But because I can't do it I start to imagine doing it in my head when I feel depressed. I imagine where I'll do it, how many times, the blood, the pain, the scars. Once that starts I start imagining the same thing every night for a week or two until eventually the impulse takes over and I feel so bad that I do it. And, I don't know about you, but I always feel bad the next day...I can't understand what made me do this...but after a while when the scars heal it just starts again when I'm down...

I just wanted to say that you're not the only one, if you're similar to me. It almost feels like being on a diet and obsessing about the taste of my favourite food and then falling off the wagon because of my own weak will. ^^;; I'm glad I'm not the only one too...

I'm sorry I can't give advise as to why you do it, because I don't know myself. I just hope you can stop your injuries from being serious - I've never gone to A&E, I'm a very far way from that...but if you have a problem that makes you want to hurt yourself more then here is the best place I can think of to discuss it if you don't have anyone else, and get support before you do something irreversable. So please think about talking about your problem first :(