What am I doing? Sometimes I don't even recognise me anymore. I deleted my other thread because it just didn't seem fair to be constantly going on and on about the same crap. So why am I making another one? I honestly have no idea. I guess I have reached some kind of 'stability', except that stability is in the form of being horribly depressed with the odd moments of destructiveness. I can't shift it. I think I am at a place where I can't shift it 'positively' because the 'other' just plain seems to make more sense. What is the point in trying to 'get better' when it all just comes crashing down again? I am evil. The people in my dreams agree, they show me things I should do to myself.
I tried to explain to my social worker today about this ridiculous Alice thing going on at the moment. It started as a dream, I know it is not real and yet it feels sometimes like she is just waiting, hidden from me when I am awake.Too much noise. I don't even like or even dislike Alice in Wonderland. Now I sound like a total idiot. In October it was me mentally abusing the white rabbit, now this Alice, which isn't even Alice, more like a demonic ghost girl who for some reason is that Alice is just starting to bug me more and more each day. I'm not even making sense. My family know, the people in the streets, in the shops, they all look at me like I'm wrong. I can feel it. Even walking to my car it feels like I am just waiting for someone to start shouting at me. Night time isn't so bad except now I'm scared that this Alice is hiding somewhere which is ridiculous because I can't see her, she is not a hallucination, just something my head has created probably to scare me. I KNOW it is my head screwing me around. So why does it bother me? Why does the fear, if it is even fear bother me so much? Why do I feel like I have to do what she shows me? Is this what a 'break down' is?
I'm doing more in general I guess, I have days where it is like someone switches me onto autopilot and I do the things I need to do, go and see my Grandmother, pop into a friend's for coffee but it does not feel like me doing it. I come home and just sit and cry for hours. Then there can be several days where I just can't even bring myself to move and just see and speak to nobody, not eating, just waiting till night to drink myself into oblivian and abuse my body some more. Hmmm, maybe I'm not doing more. I don't know. I'm so tired, so totally exhausted. My social worker keeps telling me I am just really stressed which is fine, whether I agree or not but it also does not change anything or make me feel better. I don't see the point in seeing her. Today was the first appointment in ages when we didn't have loads of paper work to sort and I just sat there not knowing what to say, wanting her to leave but also desperately wanting to say something so she could make it better. Make what better though? Then that just triggers the noise and the arguments. Maybe they all know and that is why they won't help, I shouldn't even ask for their help, I need to do X/Y/Z. I have to, shouldn't even be talking to them. Those kind of thoughts and noise. I know nobody can fix things for other people, I really do. I cancelled my support worker today and told her I didn't want another appointment. My social worker was not very pleased but what was the point? My support worker was lovely but I just don't find them helpful.
How do I break this? Which side am I supposed to follow? How can I even find the energy to follow one? Why the hell is this Alice crap happening? What am I doing?
I really identify with the Alice thing, on some level. I 'see' Alice in Wonderland sometimes. There was an episode of Casualty on at the weekend where Ruth, a doctor admitted to the psychiatric ward because of a breakdown, was experiencing symptoms of psychosis. Her psychiatrist mentioned that it was a way for her brain to work through something, and that the people who featured in her hallucinations were actually representations of her personality that she found difficult to face. I'm massively over-simplifying, but maybe you feel like that ghost girl.
The brain is a very powerful and complex thing. Yes, you may be having, or may have had a type of breakdown. I think it's different for a lot of people, but the things that you have spoken about are things that I experienced similarly about eight years ago... and that was described, by some, as a breakdown, and it may be caused by immense stress.
You don't sound like an idiot. On the contrary, you sound like a highly intelligent person, and like your brain, in some paradoxical way, is trying to protect you from things that would be too painful for you to handle at the moment.
Knowing people can't fix things doesn't make you not wish for it... I understand.
I wish I could suggest something that will help, or know what would make things better. I wonder if you could keep a diary for your social worker so that you might feel more able to describe what you're experiencing... maybe she could think of something else to offer?
Jess honey, you have to find a way to challenge this 'I'm a failure' mode that you seem to go into whenever somebody hurts you or you are feeling like crap. It is NOT your fault you feel like this, you did nothing wrong to deserve it. With his family, again....not your fault but you won't believe that or move forward no matter how many times me or mat or anyone else tells you until you start to challenge the 'negative' Jess. You can do it hun. I know you can.
I'm sorry you had a bad night *sends lots of cuddles*, hopefully tomorrow night will be better though. Be kind to yourself Jess xx
^^maybe odd..but read this...then RE-read this and apply it to YOU, ems love.
It is just as true for YOU.
love you
That's just it though....I KNOW Alice isn't real, I really do and yet at the same time it feels like she is but I am the only one who is meant to be influenced by her. I'm not crazy and I'm not making this up. I don't 'see' her which is why I know she isn't a hallucination, I don't even hear her except inside my own head and then I KNOW it is inside my head, like she has taken my voice and is using it to communicate thoughts and pictures. I KNOW that something other people don't feel or get influenced by is probably not really there but I am almost too scared not to believe Alice is there in case she is and I ignore her or anger her by not paying attention. I'm rambling. Sorry. I can't even explain what I mean. I think about even the word 'Alice' and it feels like something in my head just starts chanting and laughing and it isn't me but at the same time I know it IS me and just none of it makes sense and I'm just so exhausted and scared and none of this is clear, just dark and cloudy and nonsensical and part of me is scared even to type it. I'm not making sense, I know that. I should just either get over myself and deal with this or make the decision to give myself over to the ghost girl. Maybe I'm just too pathetic to even make the right decision about that though. I don't know. It isn't real, I know that. But at the same time what if it is? I'm not sure how much longer I can handle things. I'm just getting more scared and more confused.
Found out at 4.00pm yesterday that people are coming to view my flat at 12.30pm today. It was a state, I hadn't realised since my tidy up two weeks ago how messy it had become again until I thought about other people seeing it. It is a bit better but still a state. I don't want them here. I need to tidy and clean up.
I don't even feel like I'm sliding or being buried, or even just tangled with everything. I can't think of the right word. I am quickly travelling from 'bad thoughts/planning things/pictures etc' to not really feeling in control of it, any of it at all. Except again....I know I am. If I do something then I must be in control of that action right? What if I am not though? I'm not making sense. But I also am.
I need to harm, properly, can't give details or be graphic but I feel like I need to write to Alice, in blood on the wall next to the fire place. I KNOW that sounds 'mental'. I won't, it isn't normal. I have control. That is a stupid thing to do. I really want to though and even though I am pretty sure I can control it, I don't really want to and thinking about not doing it is making me cry. It scares me.
I just need to damage my body except it already feels so weak. I don't want to but I have to. I want to write to my social worker and yet I can't. If I was really serious about it then I would just do it so would not need to speak to her and would not be making this post. If I am not serious then why bother her. Why bother anyone. Why take up this space.
I just want quiet. Lots of blank, quiet, silence, still. All alone, hidden and safe.
Emma,
I want to share something with you. its shameful and embarrassing.
about a year ago..i cut pretty bad.afterwards i smeared the blood over one of my son's picture. the glass was protecting it, but it hurt the same.
i know you did your best describing Alice. Im wondering if she is just your negative thoughts that you have named? on the other hand if they are command voices telling you to hurt yourself....thats different.
i dont think i helped one little bit.
please stay safe sweetie.
Emma,
I want to share something with you. its shameful and embarrassing.
about a year ago..i cut pretty bad.afterwards i smeared the blood over one of my son's picture. the glass was protecting it, but it hurt the same.
i know you did your best describing Alice. Im wondering if she is just your negative thoughts that you have named? on the other hand if they are command voices telling you to hurt yourself....thats different.
i dont think i helped one little bit.
please stay safe sweetie.
I think when you're feeling desperate and confused and broken down, the lines of reality can start to blur quite quickly, until you don't know what to believe. Aspects of our personality can take on a life of their own, and seem totally split-off from ourselves.
I think for a lot of us there can be a real struggle between a logical, sensible part of ourselves that tries to take the decision to keep us safe/wants to live, and the other part that's wildly self-destructive and hard to rein-in/reason with. I get the sense that you try very hard to be in control and be mature and reasoning, whilst inside feeling quite out-of-control and chaotic. I might be totally wrong, but that's the feeling I get.
I definitely think you need to write to your social worker. Just because you're not totally, absolutely sure about self harm/suicide, doesn not mean you don't need support and help to work through these feelings, despite what action you might still take at the end. I honestly don't think anyone ever completely and totally wants to self destruct. Please let yourself have this space to vent. Maybe write to your SW and then decide at the end whether or not you want to give it to her? Maybe write it as though you're not going to give it to her - be totally honest, you might find that you think of something you want/need/could help, but felt unable to ask for.
I think for a lot of us there can be a real struggle between a logical, sensible part of ourselves that tries to take the decision to keep us safe/wants to live, and the other part that's wildly self-destructive and hard to rein-in/reason with.
^^ I totally agree with this. I think a lot of people with depression struggle with the flip flop of wanting to be better and live and another part that wants us to give in totally and utterly to the pain. I think that is the nature of the beast, unfortunately.
Regarding your Alice girl, I actually think sometimes having wild images, although I can imagine scary, is kinda good in a way because it is your mind trying to tell you something. I used to describe myself as 4 different people (like you I didn't think I was literally 4 ppl) but they felt very different to me to the pt where I could talk about them in the 3rd person quite happily (? that perhaps is the wrong word to use but you get my meaning!). In time I learnt that it was my way of trying to sort out the confusion in my head I was having at the time. To be honest I've told psychiatrists some of my thoughts and they've put me on anti-psychotics when I was quite clearly wasn't and never have been psychotic!! So although I can understand it is completely distressing and horrid to deal with (mine were too and hard to figure out where reality started and images ended) but maybe they can help lead you somewhere?
The bombardment of SH images can be so tiring. I have a pact in my mind (this is going to sound strange) but I've told my mind it can destruct if it wants but I am not going to help it (I know *it* is me, but yeh it makes sense to me!). It isn't the best deal in the world as I can dissociate and 'wake up' to find myself in the middle of harming but I think it does help to make me feel I'm battling the monster without having to constantly put my logical, sensible head on. Maybe you can do the same?
I didn't want to give you advice, i'm sure that is definately not what you want right now....but I wanted you to know I understand and certainly don't think you are strange or over-reacting with how you feel. Our minds can be really scary places sometime!!
Thank you, all of you so much for replying. I can't totally address all your points right now. Rach...Alice is not auditory commands of how to harm but at the same time she/it/whatever feels like more than thoughts. I can just about deal with thoughts/thought commands/pictures etc, Ihave done so for quite a while....this just feels different because it almost feels like the demon ghost girl is here, sitting in a corner somewhere out of sight, invisible but always there, threatening, controlling, making thoughts. I know the fact I am trying to rationalise her/it is 'good' but I am scared....really, really scared. She has an answer for everything and I don't even know what I SHOULD be doing anymore,all I know is I feel awful and out of control and not even in the normal basic 'harming sense'. In giving her an answer her picture comes into my mind so not only is what she is saying 'scary' to part of me but her appearance (even as a 'thought') is as well, even ignoring the combination of the thought/message/image/intrustion. The fact I know this is not normal in some ways make it scarier but also in some ways encourages it. Not in an 'I want to be special look at me' kind of way, but in a different, weird way. I'm not explaining very well again
Laura: your fourth sentence made me cry. I don't really know why, I guess it just made me feel less alone. Thank you.
Caged bird: Thank you for your empathy and taking the time to respond. It truely does mean a lot to me. I have been on 'anti psychotics' (Quitiepine 800mg) before and am not a fan. I am struggling to accept any so called 'help' at the moment, let alone medication or intensive support. My harming has been quite dangerous the last 8 months or so and I have to keep to an agreement with that to avoid hospitalisation again. It feels like all my energy is taken up with that alone, nevermind anything else.
I went to my Grandmother's this afternoon to try and get away from my head and called in at a friend's to play 'Magic The Gathering' for a while. I couldn't concentrate though, too agitated, too noiticeable. I got told staying alone is bad for me, so I see friends but even that does not help. It sounds stupid, I know it does. There was a 'new' guy there wearing those 'fake torn' jeans. I took one look and that was it. That specific tear is a message, I need a cut at least that wide, it has to be. I tried to push it back and focus on the games but I just kept seeing it. I look at my thigh and can see it now. Too many thoughts, refusing to acknowledge them, I can't, need to sleep but I'm not sure I can.
I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who is in control, although I guess the fact I am posting suggests 'good' Emma is....it does not feel like that though. 'Rationalising' means ODing after the viewing on Saturday. I don't want to though. Partly because it probably won't kill me, partly because it is going to draw attention and I don't want their sympathy. I don't want their concerns and treatment. I just need a serious total, mental break from EVERYTHING.
How do I get a break from everything without seriously harming myself? How do I make it all stop? I know I will need to do it again even if I did recover from the first time and I know it would probably have to be worse. The thoughts about the dangers of not harming and all the reasons why I have to are strong. It is not that I 'can't' do this. I know logically that all this pain will not physically kill me but it feels like the longer I continue, the more I fight, the worse it gets and the more I lose of myself, the harder it gets to stay 'in reality'. It feels like the outcome is going to be me almost totally disappeared from my own head, buried forever and just this 'thing' inside....it won't be me, there will be no control and everyone will look and think it is me but it won't be. I don't know what would happen but it would be bad and the bit of me that was buried would have to watch, unable to do anything to stop it, unable to control it at all. Maybe Alice, maybe the self harm commands and pictures are a way of my head trying to stay in control for a little longer and separate from whatever 'this' is, to make sense of something that makes no sense but if they are then they are failing. Its there in my nightmares when I sleep, me still feeling it, still losing control but in horrible situations. I don't know which is worse. It feels like I have used the last of my energy to get to a stalemate with whatever this is and now I have no more reserves, nothing left to actually battle it. I try and the noise gets too much and I have to retreat to stay even remotely in control.
I don't know what to do anymore except sit and stare, smoke.
Last edited by Pomegranate : 11-02-2011 at 07:51 PM.
I relate so much to what you're going through. Not because i am going through it myself, but i did many years ago.
I felt a bit like you do regarding Alice. I felt like there was a monster crawling around inside my head, making me do all those horrible things to myself that i did back then. It was ME but then it wasn't. If that makes any sense. It felt like a strange presence inside my head that could control me a 100 percent.
I was like you with the cutting. It could never be good enough. The boarders for what was acceptable to me moved every time i managed to do it worse than the last time. Emma, it will NEVER be good enough. So i URGE you to put as many words to it as you can and talk about it as much as you can, because i do believe this is the right way to deal with it.
I tend to cut when i keep things bottled up. Sometimes, just saying what is bothering you, is the relief you need. I have found i don't always need people to give me answers, just getting it out and having someone acknowlegding it can be enough to bring peace of mind. Also, it is far better to talk the feelings to rest than having them causing you so much distress that you feel you have to cut.
Life is hard. But don't make it harder than it already is. Talk. Talk to people. Try to let them in, little bits at a time. You don't need to punish yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You are doing your best. I don't want to see you make the same mistakes i made. It's a waste of life, Emma. There is more to life than pain and grief. And i'm sure you'll get to experience that. It's gonna be hard. But it's worth it. Trust me!!!
Caged bird: Thank you for your empathy and taking the time to respond. It truely does mean a lot to me. I have been on 'anti psychotics' (Quitiepine 800mg) before and am not a fan. I am struggling to accept any so called 'help' at the moment, let alone medication or intensive support. My harming has been quite dangerous the last 8 months or so and I have to keep to an agreement with that to avoid hospitalisation again. It feels like all my energy is taken up with that alone, nevermind anything else.
I'm not a fan either....well for me at least since I'm not psychotic! Sorry, i just have a hard time dealing with silly psychiatrists sometimes who don't 'get' it and put ppl (insert 'me') on the wrong medication!
I've always begged for support so I don't really get not wanting it. But I can accept that that is where you are right now. If it means anything to you I think it good you are talking somewhere, even if it is just on here. Maybe in time you'll have the energy or want (?) to reach out irl too? Perhaps here can be a stepping stone for you?
I get the incessant SH thoughts, it is utterly tiring. But then again I've never hurt myself to extent you say you have so maybe I actually don't know....
I remember a few years ago...I gave up. I wasn't suicidal, that had past, but I gave up on life.........then one day I was walking along a road and I touched the wall next to me and I noticed the sun was shining and I thought...I can feel, I am real, I am alive, maybe I need to stop pretending that I'm already dead.....
I'm not pretending it's been easy since then but maybe....i dunno, maybe I just want to say there is always hope even when it seems so impossible. I'll be thinking of you.
Thanks to everyone that has replied. It really does mean an awful lot to me.
CagedBird: It is not so much that I don't 'want' help. I guess I've just kind of given up. There are only so many meds, so much time and so many treatments that one can try before it kind of seems pointless. Everytime I contemplate something new the noise and stress rapidly escalates to a point that I just can't cope with. I can't deal with all the arguments. I just can't do it.
I have not 'properly' cut or harmed in about a week. I know this should be a good thing but it isn't. I am trying to spend as much time as possible with friends to stay 'safe' but it is not helping or changing anything. I have been sleeping in/wearing the same black tracksuit bottoms for over a week and only changing tops when I need to so that my friends don't notice I am wearing the same thing I saw them in two or three days ago. It is pathetic. How hard is it to get a shower and get dressed? It isn't hard! And yet I can't do it.
Hardly eating, sleeping or doing anything really. SW and psych pretty much admitted that I either have to do this alone, or end my life. I can't do either though. I am genuinely that awful that I don't seem to be able to do either.
Why is making Definite suicide plans i.e the almost foolproof type (I say almost cos nothing is 100%even when two or three methods are incorporated together) so much more frightening and anxiety provoking than before? It is very strange.
I'm seeing my social worker again tomorrow. I saw her last week and ended up seeing with a psych appointment the next day. Neither were helpful. I am in this weird place where I cant manage and yet I can. Where me not doing anything harmful and ignoring the thought and pictures is dangerous for everyone and yet it is also sensible. Where I am functioning and yet I am not. Where the clouds and Alice and the thoughts are there too much and yet not enough. I just feel so on edge the entire time. Where I want to die but I can't find the strength. Where death is inevitable and yet so hard. Impulsive but not impulsive. Overwhelmed and then numb. Nothing makes sense. None of it. I'm not sure who or what I am anymore or if I was ever even real at all. I don't know why I'm typing this. I don't actually KNOW anything anymore. Except that I am too tired and yet too pathetic to set a definite date. So instead I set it all out ready. I get everything prepared and just wait for the impulse to take control. Even for suicide that is a little pathetic. I'm safe but also totally chaotic. I don't know what I mean, I don't know what I feel or really want. I just don't want to feel so alone with it all.
I'm not sure who or what I am anymore or if I was ever even real at all. I don't know why I'm typing this. I don't actually KNOW anything anymore. Except that I am too tired
I just don't want to feel so alone with it all.
I hear you.
I have absolutely no answers tonight. My arm hurts so badly because I tried to find a way out of the pain and it is not possible.....
I don't know who I am either. Maybe we are not real? Maybe none of this is real? I don't know tonight.
Maybe just maybe, type? Who cares what it means? If it hurts to key in the words because of the cuts.......maybe that is what is life is about....being true in the moment even if it hurts to high hell and causes ultimate pain....Sorry i'm lost tonight, i can't tell if this is hell or earth or if they are the same thing. All I can feel is the pain.
Yes, nothing to say but give up if you need to....just know giving up isn't always just about dying.....i have stuff in my head that i want to express but i cant properly tonight. Sometimes giving up is about expressing it all, giving up on the facade that keeps us together....sorry i know this is a bad reply....sorry.
