I think I posted this the first time in the wrong place (I'm still trying to get into this technology thing), but...
I am a Mom who absolutely loves and adores her 14 year old. I was hoping to help her through the challenges of cutting, but as most would expect, I don't believe I am the one who can help.
She has a couple of friends she confides in and I found out this morning that, although, cutting free for about 6 months, she cut again last night.
My 14 year old has so many amazing qualities. I am privileged to not only love her, but I truly like her.
My heart aches for her as I understand what it is like to be a slave to an addiction. I fight mine every day which is food.
Since this is an addiction I am new to and truly unsure of, do you all have any recommendations that can help me to encourage, love and support her in a way that will be meaningful to her? This is about her and not about me and I want to do everything in my power to support her.
Thanks in advance for your words of wisdom.
Her loving Momma who simply wants to help.
6 months without cutting? That really is an amazing achievement for her, even if she did have a little slip up, but dont we all? I think the best thing you can do is what you already are doing, which is letting her know that you're there for her and you do truly love her. No one can ask for any better support than that! To be honest, I think that the fact that you can tell her that you feel that way and not be judgemental would mean alot to her xx
Valerian,
Absolutely! I agree 6 months is AWESOME! She is such a beautiful, smart and intelligent girl. I know addictions, whatever the reason we have them, are hard to beat. And, we all have slip ups. I just want her to understand how fully I will always love her and be here for her NO MATTER WHAT!
I've told her that since the beginning, but I think at the age of 14, you are always afraid of your parent's reaction even if you've told them many things and they've never 'freaked out' before. Like I said, thankfully she does have people she goes to about cutting and used one of her resources last night.
My goal is to keep that resource to her a valid one without my daughter knowing that the resource has told me. She only tells me so I can be aware. We are basically a support team trying to encourage and be there for my daugher
You sound like a fantastic mum, and by the sounds of it what you are doing at the moment is the right thing to do, just reassure her that you love her and that everyone slips up occasionally, but it doesn't undo all the hard work she did to go 6 months without cutting. 6 months is an amazing achievement and I really hope she knows that.
When I was recovering I used to think of a slip up as a horrible horrible thing and that it ruined my recovery, but over time I began to think differently, I kept two vases, in one I would put a marble for each day I went without cutting and if I slipped up I put one marble in to the other vase and it showed me that even though I slipped up it didn't make much of a difference to my overall success in recovering. I don't know if that made sense but for me it just put it into perspective.
We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken
I have so much respect for you with the way you're being so supportive, and its great that she feels she can talk to someone else about it too. Shes lucky to have such an understanding support circle around her. Feel free to PM anytime if you need any help.
I do agree with you though, that sometimes we're still paniccy about what we think we can and cant tell our parents but if you carry on being as caring as you are, then Im sure she'll know she can if she feels she needs to
Its fantastic that you are trying to be there for your daughter. I know all too well that teenagers can be awful (because I was) and I unfortunately pushed my mum away a lot when I was 14/15 and self harming a lot. Even though she did try to help and understand.
From experience, however good your relationship with your daughter, it is probably always going to be awkward for her to talk to you about it, so its good that she has someone she does speak to. And you are right to respect and encourage that.
The majority of people probably cut most in the evening, and sometimes planning something for the 2 of you to do together in the evenings might help keep her mind off other things and strengthen your bond. If she is quite girly perhaps painting each others nails, or doing each others hair.
Or watching a film together before bed. And lots of nice days out shopping together and things. Join a sports club together (martial arts or yoga or something). Encourage her to spend time with you, or her friends, rather than be on her own too much, though of course give her privacy as well, always knock before entering her room and stuff like that.
Woo hoo! 6 months SI-free is great :)
I really like how you want to support your daughter through this :) Self-harm is sooo hard to overcome. From a daughter's perspective, talking to a parent (or anyone else for that matter) is extremely difficult. My mother says she wants to help, but then goes and punishes me for cutting, and only contributes to me doing it. That's just been my experience though... you really sound like you want to help :)
For me, cutting isn't an easy subject to talk about to anyone. I haven't really found a great way to be completely open about it... so I'm not sure if I can help with being able to find a way to talk to your daughter :/ Something I always wanted from my parents though, was, for them to understand (or at least try to), and not think I'm crazy. It sounds like you've already got an idea of what your daughter is going through with addictions, and that's a great start :)
I really hope you and your daughter are doing alright! You can always send a message if you need anything (welcome to RYL by the way!)
*hugs and love*
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
Kudos to her for going 6 months free and kudos to you for being such a supportive mom! When I was 14 I couldn't talk to my mom about anything not because she wasn't a good mom or wouldn't be supportive, but becuase I was too afraid of dissapointing her and letting her down. I agree with the comment that was made to try doing stuff with her in the evening. Just try letting her know that you love her no matter what and are not going to think the less of her or turn your back on her. I can say from an emotional teens perspective (I still kinda feel this way with my mom) that sometimes the lovey dovey mommy stuff only makes us wanna shut out even more. So just do what comes naturally, don't baby the situation but don't brush it under the rug either. I express alot of things with my parents (even now at 21, with two kids, living on my own and supporting my family) in writing. Maybe write out the questions you have for her so that she can understand where you are coming from and what you are trying to understand from her. Hope any of this helps, If you have any other questions you are welcome to PM me anytime.
<3~Solo is my sissy~ <3
Don't look behind you, you aren't traveling that direction.
6 months is amazing!!!! you are doing an amazing job supporting her already! keep loving on her, talk to her and keep letting her have support from her friends. and *hugs* to you. your doing a great job.
xxx
take one step at a time, keep your head held high, and your eyes on Him, always.
I think you're being a great mom! When I was 14 and struggling with my cutting, my parents yelled, swore at me, and grounded me for cutting. That was not effective, and now I'm 21 and I feel like I can't trust them with anything emotional.
I don't have much to add that hasn't been said already, but I'll just tell you that this is a wonderful website full of resources, including its members.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."-Dr. Seuss
Six months is amazing and you have every right to be so so proud of her. She's done a fantastic job.
You sound so supportive and lovely and are pretty much, doing everything I wish my own mother had done with me. I'd like to praise you for being so calm and supportive about it and actually finding out how you can help her instead of just assuming what you think would be best for her.
Just keep reassuring her that she can come to you if she needs help / wants to talk. You said she had friends but sometimes, they might not always be available so as long as she knows you there, that will be a comfort to her.
It'll be hard, but let her have her privacy. There's nothing worse than having it invaded. Especially when self-harming is a very secretive and personal thing to do. It will be tough but maybe speak to her about not locking the doors but just closing them to?
Spend quality time together. It already sounds like you have a pretty strong bond but having a day together, or the weekend will really help you both. She may even open up to you. A pamper day, or a shopping trip. Even if you don't buy anything, just spending some time together would be nice.
Maybe even give her a gentle nudge in the direction of RYL? The community on here is very strong and there's always someone around to give support and advice.
Take care.
I wish you the best of luck in supporting your daughter. You're already doing such a wonderful job.
though if you do nudge her towards ryl.... i don't think she would like it if you were posting or coming to read threads at the same time. for me, part of how ryl helps is being able to express and talk about things, knowing that it isn't going to get back to my parents. and i don't mean that in a bad way, like i talk bad about them on here. more just that i don't want my mom or dad to know everything with me, i want to be able to decide what to tell them myself....
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
